Desirabilty and Sexual Abuse

[Barkabus]

Eirik,

You just seem to know where my head is in these matters. Thanks again for your contribution.

Like you, I craved affection and affirmation. We are social animals, and the forces of attraction and repulsion are intrinsic to that social nature.

Yours and JamesM's posts caused me to look even closer at the pull going on for my affections between Brenda (GF) and Tim (abuser #2). Why should evil have triumphed over good in this case? My affections for Brenda were pure as hers were for me. Tim ended up having the greater influence. I had no physical attraction to Tim, yet I gave in to him and dumped Brenda because he disproved of her. His unspoken reason-she got in the way of me and him.

If my abuser - like yours - expressed his attraction in a way that respected my boundaries and my choices, could my perspectives - like yours - have developed in a healthier fashion?

I absolutely believe so. I was drawn to Tim because he offered me father/authority/male affirmation. At least that was the camouflage. My own dad was emotionally disconnected from me. I lacked his affirmation and thought I found it elsewhere. The trap was spung. Brenda and I were changed forever by one man's evil, selfish pursuit.

Thanks for your perspective Eirik. It helps me examine these things from a different vantage point.
Mike

 

[Noctis]

hey Mike,

what you described makes perfect sense - everyone wants to know that they're desirable. but for those of us who have our mental wiring tangled by abuse, desirability, sex and abuse all get jumbled up. so it's no surprise that we use the abuse as evidence of our desirability, proof that we were wanted. it's one positive thing we can take from the trainwreck of our past experiences.

but when you combine that with the fact that our experience has linked sex and abuse so inextricably in our heads, it's also not surprising that we see anyone interested in us sexually as a threat, a potential predator. for some people the association and aversion is so strong that sex becomes impossible, and that is tragic. sexuality is a part of being human, and most people feel a desire for sex - but the ability to act on it has been stolen by the abuser(s).

maybe trying to separate the concepts of abuse and sex/desirability is something you could work towards. maybe it's just not a possibility for you. if it's something you want, i hope that you can find a way to work on it. if you can find someone who does find you desirable but is willing to work with you to let you slowly become accustomed to being close to them, maybe you can eventually get your brain to decouple the idea of a sexual partner being a threat. but i know it's not exactly easy to find someone with that kind of patience and understanding.

you're not alone with this. it's really not easy to unlearn the lessons we learned young.

 

[Tom E.]

I thought that someone wanting to have sex with me validated my attractiveness or desirability too when young

 

[Barkabus]

Thanks for your comments Nocis and Tom E.

Tom E., it's as simple as that, right? If somebody wants me...hell, even just my body...its validating enough for me as a survivor. I somehow do possess some tangible worth to another human being. Now of course there is also all the fallout that comes with it, the betrayal, the trauma, the sexual dysfunction, etc. Is it worth it? HELL NO! Oh but the validation, more please!

Noctis,

maybe trying to separate the concepts of abuse and sex/desirability is something you could work towards...
...i know i have a strong association between men and sex. i automatically assume that sex is something that men will want from me, and i associate my value with providing it.

You're right Noctis, it is a tangled mess all up in my head. This is one of the more difficult aspects of my healing from the abuse. This may be one example where healing is a life long journey. Some vital neural pathways were established long ago that established a line between desirability and the abuse. It now makes me recoil and unable to move forward. I remain a sexual being without the capacity to seek meaningful, healthy intimate companionship. Frankly, I've been content...maybe content is not the right word...I've been SAFE sitting right where I'm at in all this. At least I'm not being hurt by it, right? Well, there's this one little detail...I'M FREAKIN' ALONE! But at least I'm safe.

Ok, I'm spinning myself up about this. Time to take a bit of a breather.

Thanks for the comments guys. This one is a mind twister to say the least!

Mike