Depression worse this semester.

[bisulatino]

I'm into week 2 of the semester and I feel like my depression is worse than it was last semester. I think that a lot of it has to do with the fact that the university denied my scholarship appeal. I feel that if they had given me my scholarship back this semester then it wouldn't be bothering me so much, but because they didn't it's just exacerbating things. I also continue to have a hard time making any friends out here. I have a couple of good friends but most of the time when I visit them I feel like I'm imposing on them, they just don't seem to be having fun or to want to do anything.

I wonder if I have some kind of social anxiety problem. I literally frightened by people I don't know. Part of that fear is being judged by them, but I also think I am afraid that they will hit me or humiliate me if I do something wrong. My psychiatrist brought it to my attention that I am a push over simply out of fear of being hit, most likely caused by my parents use of physical abuse and fear to make me "behave." My perp used humiliation to shut me up when I was telling my cousin about what we were doing together. The most vivid memory I have is my cousin calling me a liar and a faggot when I was talking about what we did in front of other cousins and then holding me down, with the other's help, and having one of the pet dogs "mount" me. I was so humiliated all I could do was cry and I didn't even understand why he did it, since he was the one who was convincing me that it was ok.

I feel like a loser because I can't do something as simple as make friends out here or keep the friends I have happy. I feel like a failure because I was supposed to be set, financially, in college thanks to my stellar grades/test scores in high school , but instead was flushed down the toilet due to the surfacing of my abuse and an apathetic university and now I am stuck borrowing money from family members and taking out loans.

 

[roadrunner]

Bisulatino,

If your depression is getting worse I wouldn't be surprised! You are facing a lot these days. It might be a good idea to check with your doctor; he/she might want to change your meds.

Your social anxiety problem sounds like it has a lot to do with trust. You were catastrophically harmed as a boy, when you assumed that the world was a place where family and friends were safe people. That proved NOT to be true and, as any kid would do, you figured that in fact the world is entirely unsafe. These feelings don't go away just because you are older now.

Your difficulty in making friends has to do with this I bet, and certainly it doesn't mean you are a loser. That feeling too has a lot to do with what happened to you. A kid who was humiliated and shamed as badly as you were could hardly think anything else about himself. But remember that while there is a LOT of shame to pass around here, none of it is yours bro.

Remember too that if you are a victim of idiotic bureaucracy that doesn't make you a failure. As susvivors it is so tempting for us to regard our problems in the world as all proof of our failure as human beings. I hope you won't let this false feeling drag you down. It sounds like you have good prospects at college!

Much love,
Larry

 

[Born to Resist]

Bisulatino,

Are you doing some of the basics to manage your depression? Like eating right, taking a multivitaimin, getting some exercise and enough sleep?

As for making friends ... how about joining a club on campus. Either one assoiciate with your major or one that is more interest based ... an outdoors club ... dancing? It may seem uncomfortable at first showing up to meetings, but after a few meetings you'll be one of the regulars.

As for school loans ... I hear you. I'm in a graduate program and try not to think about it.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality