Depression and coming out of it. You been there?

Depression and coming out of it. You been there?
M

mark250676

Registrant
I always used to say it's impossible to explain to someone the depths of depression if they haven't experienced it.

Having finally given anti depressants a chance to work, after fighting self sabotage. I now realise that starting to come out of the depression, after 17 + years is just as scary and full of even more questions.

Am I doing it right? Why didn't I do it before? I've waisted soo much time! Why don't I want to kill the person that did this to me? If cause = effect then he deserves it. (I'm not saying I ever would or saying anyone should ever take such action!)

I even withdrew from this website and great levels of support and friendship i've got from it cause I felt good about myself for a bit and the depression lifted. I punished myself.

When does it end?!

I read something today that said 'an entire lifetime of misery can be captured in a childs face.'

I had that face at the age of 7 and it feels trapped.

Mark
 
"Am I doing it right? Why didn't I do it before? I've waisted soo much time!"

A great friend of mine once told me when I came to the point you are now,

"My grandfather is in his 70's and he still doesn't know."

No matter when you come to the knowledge, it is always a good thing.

Being afraid is just part of it, being shocked about the loss is normal. Depression is also something that comes along with all of this.

I am happy for you, hang in there you are going to make it. If I can, anyone can and that is a fact.
 
I forgot to mention that when I woke up, so to say, I looked around me and everything seemed strange like I was living in someone elses life. I no longer needed all the things I had to keep me going, I no longer wanted them and it felt strange. The place you are now is like a spot in the recovery that I don't think has been touched on in the books.

I truly had a difficult time with it, and I am still trying to figure it out myself. It is coming and it will come for you, it just takes time.
 
John,
It's a small world! I went to your website before your reply. Just working through the emotions from the free preview to your book! My dad got cancer. I cried for him. He didn't for me when I spoke of my abuse by another. Was he being 'strong'? I've always thought it reflected apathy before now. You've shined new light onto it now.

Thanks forever.

Mark
 
Mark,

I told my doc and a psyche doc that I have suffered depression since 10yo.
Been to the bottom, so anything else is UP!
I never took the meds for a whole month.

Now I am religiously taking them, but they seem like just another mask.
You have to cure the cause and the effect, if not,it all surely just comes back.

I think it is more like grief, or deep sense of loss right now.
I am pretty good at masking it out, which causes ppl to think nothing is going on.

I read something today that said 'an entire lifetime of misery can be captured in a childs face.'
Click to expand...
A childs face captures their life, hence why we feel everybody can see we were abused.
"The sign written all over your face etc."

A childhood is just like a canvas, and everybody the child meets, makes a mark on that canvas, good or bad.

Depression, yes, it sucks,

ste
 
ste,
It does! Im sitting here with the things that are meant to make me happy, according to society. But nothing does. It doesn't touch me! It doesn't change anything.

That moment made me worthless. Will the pills change that? No. Will they change my chemical imbalance. Yes.

I know it's down to me to change and develop but I didn't make the choice why should I pay. I'm exhausted. I want to feel OK again. I want to laugh without worrying whether people get it. I want to feel accepted beyond a sexual object. I don't want to think everything is connected to sex. It isn't even sex it was power.

Sorry this is becoming a rabble now.

I don't want power I want freedom.

Mark
 
Mark,

Am I doing it right? Why didn't I do it before? I've waisted soo much time!
Click to expand...
There is so much to talk about in these two lines, but here I can only touch on a few points.

You didn't do it before because you weren't ready. If you had forced yourself before you were ready for the hard work, who knows what harm you could have done to yourself. You started out as soon as you possibly could. You didn't waste any time. You found the timeline that is best for you, the one that will lead you to recovery and not failure and retraumatization.

Are you doing it right? I have no idea. Only you can know that, perhaps by working with your T. Be gentle with yourself. There is so much to do and so much pain to heal.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,
I dumped my T. For the 4th time, different ones. Maybe she was right maybe she wasn't. But I knew what was gonna happen. Yeah she cost too much. Yeah she wanted to see me more than I could give with work. Yeah she challenged me. Yeah she saw through my malipulation of people and my self sabotage. Yeah I was worried she was grooming me.

See what chance have I got! I've only trusted myself since it happened so what chance has anyone else got?

Mark
 
"I want to laugh without worrying whether people get it...."

"I don't want power I want freedom."

These two things are the most important to me, I wish I could write about how I know what you mean here.

I just want to be me and I am finding it every day.

Fear is the main problem, fear of what others may think of us. We have lived with it for so long it is hard to shake it off. We lived thinking that others could see through us, see the abuse the nasty feelings that we had approved of the abuse and as adults it is hard to let go of the fear even though we know or rationalize the devestation it has on us.

I think recognizing that fear has us bound is important. Asking ourselves what will happen if we do it anyway is the key. Who cares comes next, who cares what others think, we do, if we can just brake that part man what could we do, how happy could we be?
 
I am getting happy just thinking about saying the hell with what others think, I am me and I am not a demon from hell. I am a good person and I just want to have fun in this life and by damn I think I will no matter what others think of me.

Just had to let that one out, lol.
 
Mark,

See what chance have I got! I've only trusted myself since it happened so what chance has anyone else got?
Click to expand...
I think we need to remember that trust is one of the huge losses suffered by an abused boy. Trusting anyone seems like the most stupid idea in all the world.

This terrible loss isn't made good easily later in adulthood. It makes time and a lot of courage, but I do think we get there.

Much love,
Larry
 
Mark I know right where you are coming from and just let me say this, I know you are great because I know what you have been through and it takes a hell of a man to make it this far. Look on the news at the people taking the different routes, you are doing what is right, getting help, posting here, reaching out. Don't give up we love you and know your pain. You are not alone.
 
John,
Spot on! It wasn't long ago that I couldn't even express my wishes as a consumer. I couldn't go shopping alone. Just in case I abused my 'power'. How buying a fucking piece of clothing means anything I don't know. Yeah I'm getting better but still any excercise of choice and desire feels like someone will pay as a result of my decision.
 
One more thing, I watched the Johnny Cash story just recently. He had an abusive father, not SA but abusive. He wound up on drugs and damn near died in his fight to make his father happy.

I watched it and thought, man I had close to the same father but on top of it all I was sexualy abused by a friends father. How did I make it? What you are doing is not easy for anyone, don't beat yourself up too much, you have won in my opinion.
 
Mark,

I was watching a TV programme of a guy who takes off people on TV.

I was laughing at the way he took off another guy on TV, then something says, why do I allow myself to laugh at this guy?

Nobody wants to be on pills, leastly me, but if I have to try and make things better, then I guess I must try and see what they can do.

ste
 
I got a judgement at the age of 7 so horribly wrong why should my choices be right.

Having said that helped though. Just typing it made me think. Give yourself a break. Yeah it'll wear off, again!

But this message board and the people who make it have taught me to go with it while it is there.

and my pills mean I have to trust someone else. My doctor. But bit by bit....
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top