depression and being lost

The Bluefoot

Some many good things are happening in my life now. And yet one bad thing has upset me and made me depress. I try very hard to help others who are less fortune then me. I truly care of others who are going though tougher times or in very situations in life. Most to deal except my help, if its just a talk, and a nice letter or even a small gift. Its true I get close to those I help and a truly care about them. But recently 1 got to me, and does not want my help and feels I gotten to close into his personal space and he thinks I want his BF, which is not true. So I back off, cut ties for now and let time heal the conflict. He is young and immature. And yet it upsets me I can help this person. I am upset that I am stressed about it. I think one of the things it reminds me of FJ. FJ was the man who abused me for 2 years when I was 14 16 and then I spent the next 15 years trying to please me show him I was a good leader, That I can can be a good person and impress him. And all he did was tell I am immature and I never be a good leader. FJ was the Scoutmaster at the troop I belong to, for a total of 19 years. Before I was asked to leave because I was gay. I feel the same way now I just try to impress people that I can help many, I want to change laws and rights for people. And I not sure who I am trying to impress any more. I tried to empress FJ, then my dad both who are dead. I feel I am lost someday. Its so hard to move forward. I feel all the good things I have done was 15 years ago. I want so much to needed again and help and I feel I am struck and get do it. I have two T's and each help in a different way. I have a few friends on here and they help but its daily. I am the one who helps others, now it seems like I need the help and I hate that,. I got a new job and start today, but I know its only a Band-Aid. My main job I took time off for 10 weeks and now 16 weeks later I still have not gone back to work. I know they will not hold my job for ever. Depression and being lost at the same time is not a good thing.
I feel for you and can relate to one thing bring all the good and progress crashing down. I am going through that now due to a work thing A couple weeks ago. I had a T session last friday and my T said i didn’t loose the progress. Yes i have had a setback but you dont loose the past progress. Her analogy was learning to ride a bike and you start doing good then you fall off. Might shake you but you still remember how to ride the bike.

I guess i am trying to that to you. I wont lie i have not gotten back on the back, still depressed and struggling. But i tell myself i will get back to where i was and so will you.

Take care of yourself.