depressed again

depressed again
B

Brayton

Registrant
Something triggered the awful state I am in. We were just driving around doing errands on Monday when a partial image of a guy popped into my mind. Then I had the feeling of being held down. A half an hour later we were having lunch at a restaurant and halfway through, a sudden pall of hopelessness and sadness came over me.

Monday night we visited our grandson which, as always, I looked forward to. But, as I was with him I started to fade out. It was like I was not really there, fading out and in and feeling very sad and hopeless again.

Yesterday I had to leave work in the middle of the day.

Getting here today was hard. Walking along the streets among all the downtown worker, without thinking about it, I kept my head down looking at the sidewalk, hypersensitive to the people around me.

I'll be going away for a long weekend but not until tomorrow evening. I don't know what will happen over the weekend but right now I am struggling getting through today. I hate to even think about tomorrow.

Haven't experienced this so intensely for a while. It reminds me that a great deal may still lay deeply buried in my subconcious ready to 'attack' without warning.
 
i'm sorry this blindsided you. whereever there are repressed memories, i think they can come out a little or a lot, and throw you for a loop. i hope therapy can help relieve some or all of it so you can enjoy your weekend.
 
I'm sorry you are feeling so low, friend. When you slide back into feeling a certain way (depressed, anxious, suicidal, etc.) after not feeling that way for a while, it can definately be discouraging.

Just know that, as you progress in healing, the lows definately get shorter and the highs get longer. It's all part of this, what always seem to feel like, uphill journey.

-Sean
 
Brett sorry to here that things are a little down for you right now. Hope you can have a good time this week end. Let.s try to get together for coffee next week.

Brett just a reminder I would love to interview your boss sometime soon if you are in to it. Tom
 
Brett,

I'm sorry you're so down. Sometimes it just happens, and sadly, there's no rhyme or reason for it.

Its best just to ride it out. It will pass, it always does, and I know you're a strong, fine man.

I'm with you, brett. PM if you need to.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
Brett,

I hope you are feeling better by now. You are that much closer to the long weekend.
I hate to even think about tomorrow.
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Sometimes thinking about tomorrow makes things worse for me. I'm quite adept at imagining the "worst of all possible worlds" and then getting mired in it.

I hope you enjoy your long weekend.

Joe
 
Thanks, guys, for your support.

As I wrote to a couple of friends already, I ended up going to my supervisor to tell her I wanted to take personal time yesterday afternoon and this morning. She was fine with that and so I did and feel a lot better.

While talking to her about what was going on, I started crying--that's how low I was getting. She is unusual as supervisors go and I am very fortunate with that. She, as she says, operates from the heart.

My T is extraordinary. I told her the whole story and then she explained to me what was going on with all of it.

It, as she said, was the PTSD at work. And, depression along with having genetic-organic (brain chemistry) origins, is also a coping mechanism, a way to keep people at a distance.

She said that I will always have experiences like the body memory--those wounds do not heal. She again said that remembering the particulars of what happened is not at all important.

I can see that a growing awareness of what is happening is going to help me cope with life. I think the key is acceptance of what happened and its results and acceptance of the way I cope with it.

Knowing that and accepting that will allow me to modify the coping mechanisms, feel more in control and able to make choices about my behavior and how I interact with people.

She said she wants me to spend time with the child that I was this weekend. Do things or allow him to do things that he wants to, especially to interact with nature as it is always emotionally safe.

I will experiment with that. I think it will go well.
 
Brayton,
I've been kind of struggling through a similar point lately. I think it started when two people called up and wanted more than a massage from me (i.e. sex). That triggered the hell out of me and basically I just shut down. I've tried to regroup and sort of build up the battle reserves so I can set out again, but it did take its toll on me.

Since this point, I am becoming aware more and more just how much my career is taking a lot of energy and giving away to others. That is fine, but I have to replenish myself and if I don't, I crash (which is what I did). So I'm going to start taking some time in the mornings (like I wanted to do anyway when I started this massage business) and just take a walk or sit outside with the birds. There is something that is so refreshing to me of just being in the sun and outside by myself. I learned a lot about that after I lost my mom and was dealing with all of the stuff that resulted. I had to take daily time for myself or I just couldn't make it.

Don
 
Brett,

I think your therapist is right. Maybe it's time to listen to your child.

I'm still fighting with the old "this-is-nuts" idea when I talk to Little Scot and give him a voice to speak, but it was a defense mechanism then and now. He IS me, and if he needs to talk and reason things out, it will heal the whole of us, make us better.

Someday, he'll know what it's like to be a child, and to be loved, REALLY loved, and that's when we'll be together again. You might need that too.

If you want to talk about it, I'm here.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
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