Depersonalization

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I have known I have coped with survival as a performance of various actions. Believing that I was not my self, but just a human doing. Actually I thought I was a machine, but about 10 years ago I came to understand I was a human being and had never been a machine.

I have been discussing with my therapist about my children and what I did as a father. I had thought I was just acting. When I read to my children when they were young, and I made accents and voices to make reading more interesting. I remember sitting with my children when they struggled with the choices their friends were making when they wanted them to make choices that would be better for themselves.

While I knew my motivation was I would not be like my parents, and I had various skilled developed through studying education for my BS.
And I had learned cooking when my mother was overwhelmed with her workaholism.

Apparently I am struggling with the relationship I had with my children that may have been experiences of engagement with my self. That my actions, although they were organized in rigid educational objectives, may have been genuine.

My acknowledgement that I was interacting with my children with my true self, is frightening. I thought I could not do that without releasing my rage. But, this means that I was able to show (love?) to my kids.

This different way of seeing myself and no longer denying that i had an emotional connection with my kids. I never thought that was possible for me. Because I can't trust me.

Have any of you discovered that you were actually open to other people rather than keeping distance because you could not trust after you were abused?
 
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