Dependency Problems

Dependency Problems
T

Teft

Registrant
Hi everyone,

I just relized today that I have terrible dependency problems in my relationship with my wife. I have been having tons of anger and fear lately and have lost control and raged at my wife and at myself. I have been having new memories of my childhood abuse and neglect including an incident where my father beat me badly in a bathroom in our house.

My wife asked my to read a chapter in a wonderful book by M. Scott Peck called The Road Less Traveled. The chapter talked about how dependency isn't love. That it is mental illness. I have known about co-dependency for awhile but not until today did I realize that I truly am a co-dependent person. I have for years now been asking my wife to understand "me" and to help "me". I have neglected our relationship in many areas and spent years feeling afraid and dead to the world. The recent trend of me verbally attacking my wife whenever she critizes me is now clear to me. I am expecting her to always understand "me". To take care of "me". I've had terrible fear issues my whole life and due to my SA and neglect at the hands of my parents I have found myself needing love and affection in a desperate way. I have in some ways nurtured and loved my wife in an adult way but in many ways not.

Have any of you had this type of problem and have had success in dealing with it???

Thanks so much,

Teft
 
I too have these problems. My failure to address them cost me my marriage. I don't have any answers for you Teft. I look forward to reading others responses.

Rob
 
It's a tough line to walk. It's all about support, support, support outside of your wife. When my wife was about to jump out the window, figuratively speaking, my therapist told her to let HIM be my therapist. She was to stop trying to be the therapist and just be my wife. That advice saved us. Sometimes I feel like I'm living this secret life where I'm getting all of this support and therapy, talking to other men who are survivors, too, but it is what's best for our marraige.

Your needs aren't wrong. We all need someone to understand us and help us. I just can't expect one person to fill all of those needs plus her own. That's why I use this site. I write all the things that hurt me, the struggles I have, and the internal fights that my wife really doesn't need to be a part of. With all the support I get here and from my friends outside, I'm strong enough to have something to give back to my wife. I've also arranged for her to have support, too. We've gotten some miniature horses, and I make sure she gets time to spend with another lady who owns horses. We have a couple of "chosen families" that have adopted us as their own kids.

We need support. You're doing the best thing by coming here and writing or by finding a therapist who will listen and support you. I think "co-dependency" is an overused term. We need others. It's the SA and our abusive families that are the problem. Instead of getting understanding and the love we deserved, you got beaten by your father. I got shoved onto a couch and choked, my mouth bleeding all over my shirt. How are we supposed to come out of that "normal"? But by feeling the pain, directing the anger at the perps who damaged us, our memories exert less force on our lives today.

I'm glad you found this site. We're here to listen and support you. We may not have answers, but we understand what you're going through. Hang in there, OK?
 
Thanks guys for your support.

CrazyRob, it's a shame you ever had to deal with this shit that you didn't ask for or deserve. I wish you great luck in your life from now on.

ForeverFighting, thanks for your words and insights. Dependency needs, you're right, are normal. But when dependency "rules" your life and thoughts it's not. I find it so hard to face that I have been damaging my relationship and myself with all this fear and neediness. But seeing it is better than not seeing it. I can deal with it and realized that I don't have to be perfect. My wife is so understanding but also, and naturally, afraid of my anger and frustrated with my telling her constantly that I will change "this time". I have such self-hate as a result of my parents telling me that I was responsible for every problem in our family. I was only 9, 10 years old. I now know that I have been "taking" so much from my wife and not giving back. It makes me angry at myself, but this is a trap. It is actually quite selfish in that I am angry at myself and not giving myself the understanding that I never had early on. The correct response, I feel, is to understand how my actions make others feel and to learn from it and care for myself so that I can give as well as receive. Healthy guilt is what keeps us human, but self-hate doesn't help anything. It never helps those we have hurt.

Recently I realized that I can't do it alone. I have for the first time in my life truly realized that I have a firm belief in God. God intended me to be here and loves me. I'm not alone. I don't have a specific religion and I practice my "religion" mainly in nature during my hikes and in the late evening at home. I can feel God's presense and it helps.

Take care,

Teft
 
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