dependency/co-dependency issues

[Sleepy]

I'll assume that everyone has read my Time to Grow Up post so I'll spare the details. The one thing that has been the hardest to deal with is my dependency/co-dependency issues. I could never understand why it was so hard for me to be on my own or more specifically away from my parents and why it was so easy for my friends to make that transition to independence. This makes it hard on me because my self-esteem really takes a beating. But once I found Male Survivor it has allowed me to connect with people that have suffered these same debilitating effects. Just making a connection with people has been very therapeutic just in itself. So I guess the point of this post is to see how pervasive of a problem this is for everyone else. Thanks for the feedback.
Mike

 

[Lloydy]

Mike
I've depended on others since my abuse stopped when I was 15 untill the age of 46. ( I'm 49 now )
Just ask my wife !!

I've made a life of 'just getting by ' I did just enough to keep me at a tolerable level of hard time for not doing stuff, from my wife and various employers.

So I guess I had 31 years of loafing, and it's something I now wish had been different.
Since I decided to do something about my way of life, and I think that the way I lived was the major thing that made me change - as opposed to just the memories of the abuse , I have began to realise what I was capable of doing.

And that starts with simple things like being able to cook myself a simple meal and making the effort to do some housework, right up to editing a newsletter for our off-road club and being on the committee, moderating here and making some decisions I would never have made a while back and starting a course in counselling.

Underneath our defences we are normal people, capable of doing just as much as the next man.
The only thing holding us back is our lack of self esteem, and that was stolen from us by our abusers.

It's time to reclaim it - ALL OF IT !!

Lloydy

 

[RecoveringRyan]

Lloydy,

I am glad to hear that you are starting the counselling course. Is this so you can be a professional counsellor to others?

Ryan

 

[New to this]

A counseling course is cheaper than counseling. And like the old adage about teaching a man to fish, it can provide you with the skills to work through your problems and also help others. It can also provide you with the needed information to make the most of any therapy session that you go through. It's a good deal all around.

Devon

 

[Lloydy]

Ryan
Well, proffesional counselling is the dream.
And at the moment I am about 8 weeks into a weekly night class for the 1st year certificate.
After that the 2nd year is a twice weekly class, and the 3 / 4 parts for the final certification are two intensive blocks of full time learning.

So it's a long time off, but with luck the last part might coincide with my plan to retire early from my present engineering job.

And as Devon say's - it helps me to understand the process that I go through as well. To figure out why our therapists do what they do with us is sometimes a great help. Although I do have an excellent T who does explain things as we go along.

Unfortunately this training isn't cheap, the 1st years not so bad but the next ones are very expensive and I don't have any backing for it.

But I'm doing it anyway, for a few different reasons. I want to help other survivors, and even if I don't complete the full training it will enable me to help facilitate groups and assist with other forms of helping.
Also I'm sick to death with my job and need a change, but I want something that stimulates me intelectually. Something I've missed out on for far too long, and something I denied myself the ability to do.

For that reason it's hard work, I haven't been in a classroom or used my brain properly for about 30 years. I wondered if it still worked, and much to my surprise most of it still does, but it takes more kick-starting than an ice cold Harley !

Lloydy

 

[Sleepy]

Lloydy,
Thanks for your post! Everytime I can identify with someone else it makes it a lot easier for me. I always thought my dependancy was just my own idiosyncratic behavior. I could never understand it until now. The more I hear of others speak about it the more at ease I feel with myself. That one goes out to Devon and Don-NY! I love you guys to death but I feel so bad that you couldn't deal with it until much later in life. It's debilitating. But I want to say again that just your words help a lot. Good luck with the counseling! And I must say that this experience has made me think about going into that direction as well. Take care guys.
mike

 

[gimp0r]

Sleepy,

Im going to try my hand and tell you how dependency and co-dependacy affect me.

I recently ended my relationship with someone of 5 years... I didnt go through it sooner because I was scared of being alone. Yes, I was in love, but also I had someone I could have sex with and not feel so panicy as if i would towards a new partner.

I didnt want to let go and I didnt want to start things with someone else. You see, she had this nurturing personality to her that was never with my mother and I instantly fell for her. How I learned that later I couldnt stand being smothered.

At any rate, Yes i have HUGE co-dependency issues... My friends lovingly call me a mooch... and my ex did but it wasnt so lovingly. I hate being alone and right now, if I had to live alone.. I dont think I could survive.

My family tries to shame me saying I act like I am 18 or something, but I do my best to shrug it off. I maybe 5 years behind my friends, but I am going thru college and doing my best to make something of what could easily be a trailer park lifestyle (no offense to those that do live in trailer parks!!)...

In fact, without the great friends that I have made throughout my years of high school, I would have no family except for my other brother who shares in my pain.

I have a book that I am going to read once I completely finish "Victims No Longer"... It is entitled "Facing Codependency" and hopefully by the time I am ready for another relationship, I can have it without my insecurities sabbatoging it.

I think we as humans need others, and people that have been hurt as deeply as us, need them even stronger then most. Im glad I am here.

Charles