Denying the Survivor
I read this and saw much of my life-many of those who denied my abuse as an adult or anyone else's abuse may want to read.
https://themamabeareffect.org/blog/denying-the-survivor
Denying The Survivor
2/4/2015
Why victims are often not believed, silenced, and shunned by the very people they depend on for support.
So many survivors of child sexual abuse and those that support them, have spoken with us about the pain of not being believed, not being helped, and/or ultimately being cut off or having to cut themselves off from their family and friends.
Unless you've experienced it, or have known someone who has, you probably don't understand how this could happen to one, let alone many if not most survivors.
The pain of being denied by friends and family is often a second form of trauma for survivors. If you are looking for some examples, check out Project Unbreakable.
So why? Why do the very people that children expect to protect and nurture them do the very opposite? Through our many conversations we have come up with a few suggestions and we hope this may alleviate some of the pain and bring forth some understanding.
Denial.
As the saying goes, denial is not just a river in Egypt, and it's not just for addicts, either. Many people will automatically experience an initial wave of shock and denial when they hear that someone they thought they knew has been sexually abusing a child. It's a natural, rather uncontrollable response. No one wants to believe that they like or love someone capable of such a despicable act. But it happens.
A prime example: Dottie Sandusky. Despite all the victims that spoke out about Jerry Sandusky, the adults admitting they knew or suspected and failed to protect these children from being sexually abused, not to mention his conviction, she still believes her husband is innocent.
So what is the deal when a person chooses to live in denial and ignore the child in need, once the initial denial fades and they are able to process what is being communicated to them?
What is the purpose of denial? From a psychological standpoint, it is a defense mechanism to protect the ego from a reality that is difficult and undesirable. The pain of having to accept this new reality is terrifying and overwhelming and the person chooses to shut down the truth. If they can convince themselves that it didn't happen, they can continue life as usual. And with sexual abuse, often the only proof is the child's word. And how easily do adults find it to disregard what children say? They may even go so far as forcing the victim to apologize to their abuser for speaking the truth. And often, children will recant because the trauma of being disbelieved makes silence seem like a much better option.
Friedrich Nietzsche phrased it best, "Sometimes people don't want to hear the truth because they don't want their illusions destroyed.”
Such denial is often accompanied by...
Victim Blaming.
If the person is willing to accept that the act of abuse did occur, they may deflect the blame off the offender onto the victim.
"Why did you let this happen?"
"Why didn't you stop it?"
"What did you expect dressing like that?"
"I told you to stay away."
Whatever it is - if you were a victim of abuse and someone blamed you, that person does not have the mental strength to accept reality. Blaming the victim is how they try to avoid feelings of pain/guilt/shame that this happened. If it's the victim's fault, they don't have to feel bad about the fact that it happened and/or that they don't have the courage to do the right thing and help the child.
Add In A Side of Minimizing.
They may also try to reduce the reality to a level they feel more comfortable dealing with, again, in order to protect themselves.
"It wasn't THAT bad."
"You're overreacting - you always were dramatic."
"She was old enough to know what she was doing."
"Boys can't really be raped."
"It was a mistake."
They weren't there, but yet they're trying to dictate to the survivor the extent of the abuse. Again - not reality. Just another way to reduce feelings of guilt and shame on their part.
Protecting Appearances.
If those that deny abuse are protecting their ego, it could be argued that those that silence victims are protecting their 'reputation' to avoid the perceived shame and embarrassment of being associated with sexual abuse. Forget the shame and embarrassment felt by the victim, they don't want to share it with them, despite the fact that the abuser, and the abuser alone deserves to feel shameful. So, in order to protect appearances they silence the victim or keep talks of the abuse guarded within the family. Some may even feel that they are doing this to protect the child, but in reality, it only keeps the shame on the child. Many in such situations, choose not to report, to avoid any potential attention and stigma associated with sexual abuse.
Some may even go so far as to act as though the victim is attacking them by speaking such a painful truth. "Why are you doing this to me?" In other words, they're killing the messenger, "Why are you ruining my perfect little world with a painful truth?" They're angry and hurt - but they're directing it at the victim because, lets be honest, the abuser certainly isn't about to tell someone what they've been doing. But the victim is looking for someone to make it stop.
Forgive and Forget!
Oh, if it were easy or smart to do. Many on the 'sidelines' of sexual abuse just want things to go back to normal. Their life (forget the victim) has been turned upside down and they just want to 'get over' this 'ordeal.'
Wouldn't it be nice to start off with a clean slate and just forget the trauma of abuse? Survivors don't have the ability to choose their memories. And even when survivors do come to a place of forgiveness - it doesn't mean that they need to allow their abuser back in their life. Far from it. Forgiveness is about letting go of anger. Accepting the past and that it cannot be changed. Forgiveness has more to do with the victim's personal healing and ability to live a fulfilling life - none of which requires the presence of their abuser.
A Lack of Basic Compassion.
It takes compassion to imagine the trauma of sexual abuse and simply listen to a survivor speak about their experience and feelings. A person that is more concerned with their own situation or feelings may choose their own wants over the child's needs. Say for example, a mother that doesn't want to lose a marriage or boyfriend, or a someone that doesn't want to 'turn in' a friend.
Possibly combined with...
A Weak Constitution.
Many that fail to help the victim do so because they simply lack the courage and moral strength to do what is necessary. They may love and care about the child but sadly, something else in their life is taking priority.They may be controlled or fearful of the abuser - especially if it is a spouse. They may have a drug or alcohol dependency that takes precedence. They may fear the fallout of reporting the abuser and the backlash that will come with it. (Bill Cosby's supporters have done a pretty good job shaming, blaming and smearing the names of the two dozen women that have come out and said that Bill Cosby sexually assaulted or attempted to assault them.)
In The End, It's About Them.
As you can see, none, not one of these issues have anything to do with the victim of the abuse. If a child tells someone that they have been abused and that person fails to believe them or help them - there is something wrong with that person - not the child. Perhaps some of this can be corrected with more awareness, better education and support for survivors and their families. But even still, there will be people holding tight to their illusions.
It is never the responsibility of the survivor to convince others to understand and support them. As a survivor, you must do what is necessary for your healing process. And many times, that means walking the path without those you want by your side. Silence and denial do not heal the trauma of sexual abuse. The good news is - there are thousands of people just like you who are walking that path and will gladly walk it with you.
The bad news, there are a lot of children out there right now that can't get this support without the help of an adult. Which is why is it the responsibility of all caring adults to be educated and prepared for a disclosure of abuse. If a child asks for help - believe them. You may be the first or last person they ask for help.
https://themamabeareffect.org/blog/denying-the-survivor
Denying The Survivor
2/4/2015
Why victims are often not believed, silenced, and shunned by the very people they depend on for support.
So many survivors of child sexual abuse and those that support them, have spoken with us about the pain of not being believed, not being helped, and/or ultimately being cut off or having to cut themselves off from their family and friends.
Unless you've experienced it, or have known someone who has, you probably don't understand how this could happen to one, let alone many if not most survivors.
The pain of being denied by friends and family is often a second form of trauma for survivors. If you are looking for some examples, check out Project Unbreakable.
So why? Why do the very people that children expect to protect and nurture them do the very opposite? Through our many conversations we have come up with a few suggestions and we hope this may alleviate some of the pain and bring forth some understanding.
Denial.
As the saying goes, denial is not just a river in Egypt, and it's not just for addicts, either. Many people will automatically experience an initial wave of shock and denial when they hear that someone they thought they knew has been sexually abusing a child. It's a natural, rather uncontrollable response. No one wants to believe that they like or love someone capable of such a despicable act. But it happens.
A prime example: Dottie Sandusky. Despite all the victims that spoke out about Jerry Sandusky, the adults admitting they knew or suspected and failed to protect these children from being sexually abused, not to mention his conviction, she still believes her husband is innocent.
So what is the deal when a person chooses to live in denial and ignore the child in need, once the initial denial fades and they are able to process what is being communicated to them?
What is the purpose of denial? From a psychological standpoint, it is a defense mechanism to protect the ego from a reality that is difficult and undesirable. The pain of having to accept this new reality is terrifying and overwhelming and the person chooses to shut down the truth. If they can convince themselves that it didn't happen, they can continue life as usual. And with sexual abuse, often the only proof is the child's word. And how easily do adults find it to disregard what children say? They may even go so far as forcing the victim to apologize to their abuser for speaking the truth. And often, children will recant because the trauma of being disbelieved makes silence seem like a much better option.
Friedrich Nietzsche phrased it best, "Sometimes people don't want to hear the truth because they don't want their illusions destroyed.”
Such denial is often accompanied by...
Victim Blaming.
If the person is willing to accept that the act of abuse did occur, they may deflect the blame off the offender onto the victim.
"Why did you let this happen?"
"Why didn't you stop it?"
"What did you expect dressing like that?"
"I told you to stay away."
Whatever it is - if you were a victim of abuse and someone blamed you, that person does not have the mental strength to accept reality. Blaming the victim is how they try to avoid feelings of pain/guilt/shame that this happened. If it's the victim's fault, they don't have to feel bad about the fact that it happened and/or that they don't have the courage to do the right thing and help the child.
Add In A Side of Minimizing.
They may also try to reduce the reality to a level they feel more comfortable dealing with, again, in order to protect themselves.
"It wasn't THAT bad."
"You're overreacting - you always were dramatic."
"She was old enough to know what she was doing."
"Boys can't really be raped."
"It was a mistake."
They weren't there, but yet they're trying to dictate to the survivor the extent of the abuse. Again - not reality. Just another way to reduce feelings of guilt and shame on their part.
Protecting Appearances.
If those that deny abuse are protecting their ego, it could be argued that those that silence victims are protecting their 'reputation' to avoid the perceived shame and embarrassment of being associated with sexual abuse. Forget the shame and embarrassment felt by the victim, they don't want to share it with them, despite the fact that the abuser, and the abuser alone deserves to feel shameful. So, in order to protect appearances they silence the victim or keep talks of the abuse guarded within the family. Some may even feel that they are doing this to protect the child, but in reality, it only keeps the shame on the child. Many in such situations, choose not to report, to avoid any potential attention and stigma associated with sexual abuse.
Some may even go so far as to act as though the victim is attacking them by speaking such a painful truth. "Why are you doing this to me?" In other words, they're killing the messenger, "Why are you ruining my perfect little world with a painful truth?" They're angry and hurt - but they're directing it at the victim because, lets be honest, the abuser certainly isn't about to tell someone what they've been doing. But the victim is looking for someone to make it stop.
Forgive and Forget!
Oh, if it were easy or smart to do. Many on the 'sidelines' of sexual abuse just want things to go back to normal. Their life (forget the victim) has been turned upside down and they just want to 'get over' this 'ordeal.'
Wouldn't it be nice to start off with a clean slate and just forget the trauma of abuse? Survivors don't have the ability to choose their memories. And even when survivors do come to a place of forgiveness - it doesn't mean that they need to allow their abuser back in their life. Far from it. Forgiveness is about letting go of anger. Accepting the past and that it cannot be changed. Forgiveness has more to do with the victim's personal healing and ability to live a fulfilling life - none of which requires the presence of their abuser.
A Lack of Basic Compassion.
It takes compassion to imagine the trauma of sexual abuse and simply listen to a survivor speak about their experience and feelings. A person that is more concerned with their own situation or feelings may choose their own wants over the child's needs. Say for example, a mother that doesn't want to lose a marriage or boyfriend, or a someone that doesn't want to 'turn in' a friend.
Possibly combined with...
A Weak Constitution.
Many that fail to help the victim do so because they simply lack the courage and moral strength to do what is necessary. They may love and care about the child but sadly, something else in their life is taking priority.They may be controlled or fearful of the abuser - especially if it is a spouse. They may have a drug or alcohol dependency that takes precedence. They may fear the fallout of reporting the abuser and the backlash that will come with it. (Bill Cosby's supporters have done a pretty good job shaming, blaming and smearing the names of the two dozen women that have come out and said that Bill Cosby sexually assaulted or attempted to assault them.)
In The End, It's About Them.
As you can see, none, not one of these issues have anything to do with the victim of the abuse. If a child tells someone that they have been abused and that person fails to believe them or help them - there is something wrong with that person - not the child. Perhaps some of this can be corrected with more awareness, better education and support for survivors and their families. But even still, there will be people holding tight to their illusions.
It is never the responsibility of the survivor to convince others to understand and support them. As a survivor, you must do what is necessary for your healing process. And many times, that means walking the path without those you want by your side. Silence and denial do not heal the trauma of sexual abuse. The good news is - there are thousands of people just like you who are walking that path and will gladly walk it with you.
The bad news, there are a lot of children out there right now that can't get this support without the help of an adult. Which is why is it the responsibility of all caring adults to be educated and prepared for a disclosure of abuse. If a child asks for help - believe them. You may be the first or last person they ask for help.
