denial

denial
B

Brayton

Registrant
I realized this morning that I've got this thing where I cover up the dysfunction concerning everyday activities/responsibilities for others (certainly) but also for myself.

It may be that I want so much to be and sound positive that I end up putting a good face on everything a lot of the time but the reality is that I am struggling a great deal almost everyday.

1. I really don't want to leave the house in the morning. I've gotten down to a simple quick routine so I'm out the door before I think too much about it.

2. When I sit down in the morning to write in my "feelings" journal, I freeze up, numb out, as if I don't have feelings. Thank G-d, no one but my T asks about my feelings. I don't know what I'd say.

3. I shop impulsively.

4. I am way behind in paying my bills and am in debt beyond what is reasonable.

5. I have a lot of trouble with relationships because I pretty much shut down when I am around people.

6. I have difficulty being the artist I want to be because I am overwhelmed by self-doubt. I have 'warring' feelings. I have good ideas of how to express what I want but a really hard time carrying them out.

7. Etc.
 
Brett,

I'm batting 5 for 6 on the ones besides "etc."
1. I really don't want to leave the house in the morning. I've gotten down to a simple quick routine so I'm out the door before I think too much about it.
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Me, too. Almost exactly.
2. When I sit down in the morning to write in my "feelings" journal, I freeze up, numb out, as if I don't have feelings. Thank G-d, no one but my T asks about my feelings. I don't know what I'd say.
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Not a good solution but I stopped writing in the one that was supposed to be my "feelings journal." At least you still try.
3. I shop impulsively.
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Yes and no. On certain things, like ice cream. But not on big things, like cars.
5. I have a lot of trouble with relationships because I pretty much shut down when I am around people.
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If I said I didn't, would anyone here really believe that?
6. I have difficulty being the artist I want to be because I am overwhelmed by self-doubt. I have 'warring' feelings. I have good ideas of how to express what I want but a really hard time carrying them out.
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In the vein of the "T-shirt psychoanalysis" thread, I saw a sticker the other day that said, "If you have to doubt something, doubt your limits." If you have the courage to keep trying to write in the feelings journal, maybe you can find a way to keep working on your art knowing that it's private, at least for now.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Hey Brett... I think most people have the same types of self-sabotage behaviors we do, but maybe ours are just more noticable? At any rate, something that helped me with the "warring" that you wrote about was something that my therapist had me do in hypno, but you could do it on a conscious level too.

Basically, the conflict ("I want to do something but can't" or "I want to stop doing something but can't") comes from having parts of the self that essentially argue constantly with each other. Kind of like the cliche of the devil on one shoulder, and the angel on the other. These are just deeper selves.

For me, I have parts that want to succeed but others that don't think I deserve to or would rather not try at all than possibly fail. These are very old, very deep beliefs that cannot be shed just because I want them too.

Anyhow - the exercise she had me do was have all of these parts come to a conference table in your mind. And then you have them bargain. For example, the part that truly wants to write in the journal because it knows it will help his healing bargains with another part that is afraid and seeks to numb out. (For me, the afraid parts were either children or long-time protectors of the children... god, this must be sounding insane right about now.) Ask if the part that wants to numb could just take a backseat for five minutes while the other part writes in the journal. Usually, my T will give the fear part an out like, "We can always change the bargain if you don't like how it goes."

I don't know... just thoughts that came to mind when reading your post. Hope I haven't freaked you out.
 
Brett,

a lot of what you said, I live with, so I know where you're coming from.

There's no magic pill with me, really, because I'm at the point where I've ruined my life. I have to fight self-destruction, or die.

To wit, I need a car, but my credit rating sucks because of work slowdowns and overspending, so I have to find a way to get a car, even as I'm paying out my @$$ for a rental. And I get depressed, so it's either spend money I don't have or drink. Drinking's easier to avoid than overspending.

But I keep repeating to myself, one day at a time, one minute at a time, and so on. If things get REALLY bad, I ALLOW myself to "shut down" emotionally, but with the understanding that i'll have to come back "on line" later.

In short, I do WHATEVER it takes to get through the day. i have people who love me, despite my driving them crazy, and I have a reason to LIVE, so they're what stay in my mind and give me strength.

We've survived so much, man. We can get through this. People NEED us.

And sometimes we DO need to hunker down and let the world pass us by for a while. It's okay. Just remember that the world won't stay "on hold" forever. And if we survived the crap we have, we can survive anything that world outside can throw at us.

I'm with you, my friend, and I understand.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
i hope you do not mind me saying - this is an excellent epiphany of yours Bret!

it imho is the sign of real healing and a positive
growth -

if you can - tell your therapist about these things

he or she can reflect to you how your 'creative mind' is working to cause these ideas and fears
-'predictions and old tapes'

from doing what you want and need -
 
Brayton - one thing that helped me on the road to recovery was realising that I couldn't tackle all of my issues in one go!

Looking at the list that you have typed, have a go at halting point 3, your impulsive shopping (go and look but don't take any cards or money with you - that way you can't be tempted).

If you can do this it will help with point 4 - bills/debt beyond what is reasonable. What you do not spend on impulse buys can be used to reduce debt (I know this is difficult from personal experience - I have cut all of my cards up except for 1 which is for emergency use).

As for being an artist - give it a go....look at what passes for art nowadays (I don't know what your style is)...someone just might buy it....you could be the most acclaimed ever! How do you know if you don't try?

Have faith in yourself...best wishes ...Rik
 
Bret,

You know, I could sit here and say nothing and have all my questions answered sooner or later.

I have a number of your same issues.

But I agree with Rik about your art, whatever kind it is.

I've written poetry for a long time. Have had a lot of doubt about my ability. But a true artist has to try. And I was fortunate enough to have two of my works published in an anthology. I still have doubts. But I keep plugging away. People in my office ask me to write a poem for someone in their life and when it is finished, I am told how beautiful and perfect it is. And I hate praise.

So I urge you to just start with the art. Like Rik said, you could be the next Ruebens! But art is personal.

Ask for the debt, I am getting out of mine. I have set up a special bank account where a part of my paycheck goes through automatic deposit which in turn makes automatic payments to my credit cards.

Take care, Bro!

Marc
 
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