denial of feelings
Almost two years ago I changed careers and took a long break before fidning new employment. During the break is when I finally felt safe enough to really begin dealing with having been sexually abused as a child. Then last year I got a job working with teens and their families in crisis. I really like my job and feel in many ways I have grown, but sometime feel like the stress of work in general and this work in particular makes it so hard to really feel and face my demons. I have a lifetime of experience using numbness and dissociation to avoid how I'm really feeling. For me I sometimes think healing will not be getting over the shame, sadness, rage and fear as much as it is just facing those emotions. When the emotions (good or bad) break through the cracks of my constrained and numbed out soul I feel great relief and joy at the sheer experience of really feeling alive. I don't deny the abuse happened, but the feelings are so overwhelming that I still exert great energy to really keep away the feelings. Any advice for letting down guard to be able to process and feel without blocking everything before it becomes overwhelming. Some more sane people might say why would I want to feel that stuff that I already know is such a painful experience. Its because I'm convinced that unless I let that stuff in and really accept my feelings and emotions I can never fully heal. I worked so hard since I was four years old to convince myself that I was an ok normal kid and now that shell is quite tight and I need to find a way to let it go. Thanks for reading and thanks for any advice.