Denial of emotions

Denial of emotions
T

Trish4850

I've been noticing something with my b/f and I'm wondering if other partners have seen the same thing. I'd also like to know if survivors can shed some light on it for me.

I know that emotions are something that survivors either dont feel at all, which frustrates the hell out of them, or something that they just dont trust so they suppress them. Its almost always the subject of conversation between my b/f and I when he wants to talk. Its something I dont understand, but Im trying. But even laughter and just plain old silly fun?

Last Friday night we decided to stay in and watch a movie. We watched Taladega Nights. Well in the first 2 minutes, we were laughing our butts off and kept laughing through the whole movie. It was just the two of us, in his house; you couldnt ask for a safer environment so he let go and we had such fun all night.

On Saturday night, we went out to our usual place. I started telling our friends about the movie and how funny it was and my b/f says, it was alright in a very casual way. I looked at him shocked and laughingly said are you kidding me? You were laughing harder than I was! Again he said it was alright and our friends looked at me like I was an idiot. Why would he deny that he had fun!?

He has denied emotions that I have seen first hand before but they are intense emotions so I kind of get it and try to work with him, but laughter?

ROCK ON.........Trish
 
Hi Trish

I dont want to "hijack" your posting. Just want to say that I cannot feel anything at the moment. I cant feel hate,anger,fear and all the other emotions.

It is like my mind as being "wiped". I dont even get upset when i have flashbacks.

duncan
 
Duncan, you're not hijacking it all. It's what I'm talking about. I'm sorry you're having a bad time and I so wish I got it, or maybe I don't :(

ROCK ON.....Trish
 
Trish

I am not sure why your b/f would deny having such a good time. Perhaps his mind is still clouded with so much hate and anger - only guessing.

duncan
 
I think part of the problem for myself is that I've spent so much of my life either denying or minimizing my emotions that I don't feel safe having intense emotions, either "good" or "bad", much less sharing them with people I don't feel safe around. I tend to minimize or downplay my real emotions. It's a reflex, and it's been hard for me to make any progress in this particular area.
 
Jacob, other's don't usually see absolute, no holds barred joy from him. The few times that he has just exploded with laughter around our friends it's become the focal point of whatever is going on. All in a good way, honestly. When my b/f laughs, I mean really laughs, it is the most contagious joyful thing to witness and everyone wants in on the fun. He has seemed perfectly fine after those few times, but who knows, maybe he was uncomfortable and I just didn't know it.

Dewey, that's what I was thinking, but I don't always trust that I'm reading it right.

ROCK ON........Trish
 
trish,

it's interesting you chose laughter as the emotion you questioned.

my bf very rarely 'loses himself' in laughter; and i've noticed more pointedly he seems to prefer expressing his wit in such a way to make others laugh, me especially.

sometimes it seems so controlling, but how can one question making someone laugh as being controlling? yet i honestly think that's what he does on some level. i say this also because he does this after certain situations where it was clear he was uncomfortable and ill at ease.

all the best,
indy
 
Trish,

As abused boys we learned associated emotions with pain and abuse. It became very important not to have emotions because they were made us feel bad. Even happiness and laughter were to be denied because they were false. How could they be real when all the rest of our lives were filled with such sh*t.

I guess what I'm saying is that we learned to deny the very thing that indicated all was not well in our lives simply because we had no, or felt we had no other recourse. It's like the family that takes the battery out of the smoke detector because it goes off when they burn the toast. When the real fire comes the house burns down and the family is left homeless. We denied the warning signs that something was wrong in our lives because as boys we were not equipped fix it, and our lives were destroyed as a result. Now, years or decades later, we are left with the task of rebuilding. It's a long and often frustrating journey and often we have no idea how to regain healthy emotional balance.

Lots of love,

John
 
I don't believe that there is a "void" of emotions...we all have and feel them. Emotions make us feel vulnerable...to allow vulnerability; we have to trust...to trust we have a trustful history with each other...to have a history together; we have to communicate...to communicate we need to know what the hell we are feeling and needing...to know what we need and feel takes soul searching...soul searching takes vulnerability. Not too many people who have been sexually abused are comfortable with being that vulnerable...and with good reason. My trust with people has been violated countless times and in such a way it ALMOST drove my spirit underground. I can't imagine adding to the mix a violation to my body and spirit as a child. We just have to do our best to trust (lower the shield) and be worthy of trust (put the sword down).
 
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Duncan, if I may, you say you cannot feel anything "at the moment." So am I to take it that you have been able to feel in the past?

It's heartbreaking to read of this b/c my husband has said he does not feel anything. I don't even know if it's a new thing for him or not. I'm beginning to wonder b/c if he's never felt anything, then nothing's been really "real" for him, not even our 14-yr-long marriage. I don't know if he'll ever "let me in" in my lifetime.

Ok, you guys who are saying you don't feel, is this because you haven't grieved the abuse yet, really cried about it? Like really acknowledged that a horrible thing happened to you, and allowed yourself to be sad about it? Or perhaps are you in a place where you are afraid to do that b/c it will hurt too much, so you keep the feelings at bay?
 
So after survivors cry and grieve the abuse, will they then start to feel again from that time forward?
 
This may not be helpful, but your question above reminds me of just grief issues in general. Please know that I can hear the "want" in your posts to know and to hold onto something solid...been there!! Solid comes from the day to day work and understanding. My mother died in my arms 10 years ago...I tell everyone it was 10 years ago yesterday. This is not to say I am obsessed with her passing, BUT...I can't say that you cry and grieve and...TAH-DAH...no more tears. There wasn't a "moment". ALL grief takes awhile, can be re-visited (I am triggered when my friends lose a parent) and certainly you could have hope that your partner will access his emotions and trust enough to share. It is a fine line between pressuring them and condoning the silence. I am just not sure the answer is with other survivors as much as his own work and your relationship. We can affirm that our partners have difficulty with emotional expression, but the "why" is so individual...plus...it may serve a purpose for him right now. After my Mom's death I felt swamped by her friends seeking an emotional reaction that I was not prepared to give them. Maybe check in with language, too. I use the non-violent comunication (I'll get author if you are interested). It helps with how to ask things...EX: my partner is a smoker and instead of saying, "Are you going to smoke again?" (which puts him on the defensive)...I could ask, "I am just curious, but what need is being met for you when you smoke?". (here he is more likely to tell me it calms his anxiety, etc.). Just a thought...
 
Compassion, yes, I would like the author's name - I have never heard of a communication style like that, sounds interesting.

I know I am desperately seeking something to hold on to. It is very difficult as a spouse and I know he can't see my side right now.

I believe he has feelings. I believe there's emotion somewhere inside. I have seen some glimpses of it, then the wall goes back up. I know it is a defense mechanism. I guess I long for relief for him too.

Trish, I'm sorry, I'm probably hijacking up your post. My husband has laughed really hard at certain things, too, usually w/ just me or with me and another couple, not in a large group. I think I know what you mean, though, seems like I can remember him saying "It was okay," about something and me saying something back like, "Oh, come on, you loved it," so I think it must be a common thing in a way. I think maybe he's afraid to admit he enjoyed something very much. This may lead down the path of "it's not your fault" some more.... it must be very difficult to be critiquing oneself so often, if that is indeed what he's doing.
 
It's more than OK. I got the answer I was seeking pretty quickly and it was as I suspected. It doesn't make it any easier, but it helps to know and then dictate how I feel and react. I posted a quote that I love in a pm to someone and I'd like to post it again here:

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company ... a church ... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude ... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you ... we are in charge of our Attitudes
-Charles Swindoll
Click to expand...

When I saw this, I was thunderstruck. Especially given the situation I find myself in with my b/f. Its up to me to deal with me. My reactions to whatever comes my way affect not only my own future, but his ability or desire to talk to me. I dont always get it right, but Im trying like hell.

ROCK ON.........Trish
 
Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D!! Web-site I believe is www.nonviolentcommunication.com and his books are available on Amazon.com. It seems odd at first (because we all use violent language with each other), but eventually it becomes a good habit. "You always do that".. for example, is something we say often, but the use of "You" and "always" are the attack words...nobody always does something and "you" is telling vs. asking. His book is a quick read. I hope it is a nice guide for you! I DO...DO...DO...get the spouse thing...it is hard and I want you to know I heard that.
 
I personally think that all emotions are mixed up after the abuse. One thing that carried me in difficult times was my ability to laugh. Laughter makes the burden feel lighter. But I must be honest as well, I do not like to be singled out, even between friends. It feels like the world knows about me and my problem and being put in the spotlight just worsens that feeling.

As Indygal referred to her boyfriend's wit, I made that one of my escape meganisms as well. I am very witty when I want to and I think that is just another safe house beacause when you are witty you can not be serious about anything/

Having said that. In my personal situation the opposite was true. I stopped crying.

Best of luck!!
Tjaart
 
another aspect of this - it seems almost, maybe actually is, impossible for him to laugh at himself - of course he can self-depracate himself until the cows come home but cannot make a joke about something he does or says that maybe i see as funny - you know how sometimes we all slip up - the couple of times i've laughed at him about something he became so upset, a combination of anger, confusion and despair - ok, yes, i know *now* it's related to the csa but ??? why???

survivors, can you laugh at yourselves at all? ever? do you understand what i'm talking about?

indy
 
Indy,

That's one I never thought of, but now that you mention it, it's very true. The only time my b/f will laugh at himself for doing the stupid things that all of us do is when we are alone. If we're with company, he turns it real quick by throwing an insult at whoever called him on whatever he's done, even though the person doesn't deserve it and was only teasing. I've chastized him for that because sometimes he hurts feelings when it was so uncalled for.

ROCK ON......Trish
 
I think that it's a matter of shame.

It's very hard to laugh at myself in some circumstances because I was laughed at and shamed in similar situations. To do so would be to admit that I was nothing more than an object to be ridiculed. I didn't laugh at myself as a form of rebellion- to convince myself that I was more than just an object, no matter what anyone else thought.

Does this strike a chord with anyone else?
 
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