Demons

Demons
S

survive75

Registrant
After a string of great days, I've come crashing down hard. Thunder woke me up last night... about jumped out of my skin. I feel on edge, pathetic, exhausted. Haven't been eating or sleeping well. Have started drinking more often again. Cannot seem to find closure with the end of my relationship with my ex-g/f. Very close to doing something that I will regret in terms of acting out. I haven't been to therapy in a few weeks and honestly don't want to go back. Not because I need a break, but because I don't want to face my demons head on.
 
((((((((((((Sean))))))))))))

I hope you don't mind me telling you this, but you really ought to go see a therapist, no matte what you have to face.

Yeah, it looks bad going in. I myself am torn on the idea of therapy. I don't want to deal with how nuts I am. I don't want anyone else to know how much this has f**ked me up. I'm just plain tired of IT and my LIFE.

But in the end, it helps. It always helps, no matter how much it hurts getting the s**t out.

I've always compared it to debreeding. Without getting too graphic, when you're seriously burned, you have to have the burned tissue thoroughly scrubbed out and removed. As in using a hard sponge soaked in various disinfectants which hurts raw skin and nerves like holy Hell so there can be no infections. And you have to have this done EVERY day for several days.

I've seen it. I've HEARD it. It's no fun. But when it's over, you heal better. Your scarring is less.

Therapy, as I've come to find out, is debreeding for the heart.

We need it because of what we've been through, and the aftereffects it's left us.

It hurts, no question, but the scars are a little more faded and the wounds are a lot less toxic.

Please consider, my friend. I care. If you need me, no matter what, I'm here.

Peace and love, Sean.

Scot
 
My experience with demons is that they pursue me. The race is sometimes exhausting and feels hopeless but it somehow continues. My T helps with it and being with the guys here helps too.

Still, even as I feel a lot better today, I pretty much know that the race will resume soon.

I value the time-outs more than ever because I clearly understand and, in these times of calm accept, that the race will continue, perhaps for the rest of my life.

I used to feel suicidal when the race was especially crazed and seemed especially hopeless, when I felt isolated, alone and without any sign of help.

Today, I, perhaps inappropriately, thought that perhaps it would be better to end in the midst of a time-out, feeling better, to give the impression of a life successfully lived.

But I think actually the life lived successfully will be one in which the race continues to a 'natural' close, at any speed I can handle.

More and more, I build my power over the speed partly by measuring gradual progress. I make a point now of seeing growth in my ability to understand was has and does happen to me as a result of the SA and other kinds of abuse.

Does that help at all S-75? I don't know what to say but want to help.

Today, on one of my up days, I want to send good energy to all the guys here who are hurting and struggling. I am thinking of you S-75 and all the rest of you, my friends.
 
(((((((SEAN))))))))

Yesterday was the first day in over a month that I didn't cry at some point during the day. Last night, I was thinking about that and feeling good about it as I drifted off to sleep. I woke up this morning, and within minutes was crying, still laying there in bed. As others have said, we have good days, and then not-good days. I feel for you man, I really do. I hate the sh***y days. Hang on with us, I know in the short time I've been here, you guys have been my lifeline at many times.
 
Dear Brother,
Remember that it is always easiest for the abuse to come back at us when we are down. The temptation to act out, which is one that I am consistently battling against, is very hard to fight. Remember that we are all here fighting with you. To act out is only an action that satisfies the abuse in us and often leaves us feeling like shit and wishing that we had never done it.

Remember my brother, the road to recovery is a hard one and paved with potholes and hills and any other difficulty that you can think of. Remember we are fighting with you and love you. We are stronger than that bastard and the abuse that he gave to you.

Remember,
Take it One Day at at Time

Mark
 
I am sorry you have come "crashing down," but in time you will be able to rise up again, even if that doesn't seem possible. I encourage you to go back to a therapist, it is hard I know, and the demons can seem insurmountable, but you can overcome your demons, and move on.

I am like Scot, I don't want other people to know how screwed up I am, but by facing that I am screwed up I can heal and overcome it. Therapy is hard, I won't lie to you, but it is neccesary (spell check) to become a true version of you, just you and not what those evil SOB's made you.

Good luck Sean, and if you need a shoulder PM me, I am here for you.

scott
 
I am sorry that the demons are acting up again for you. You are very smart, to be aware of it in yourself, that you would regret acting out. I hope that you are able to remain good to yourself, and I hope the demons lessen. I do hope that you can get back to therapy, although I can relate to not wanting to. I hope you are doing little better now.

Leosha
 
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