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Golden_Phoenix
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AuthenticMe
Registrant
Hi Phoenix,
Glad you found the site. Thanks so much for reaching out to see how you can best support your partner. Helping a survivor on their healing path can be challenging and the cult component of your partner's story certainly complicates things. That said, I am an optimist about recovery and will provide the best answers I can to your questions.
1. Push and pull is very common. Our view and approach to intimate relationships has been, to varying degrees, impacted by sexual trauma. The trauma manifests in many ways, one of the most common being confusion around how to be close to another human being.
2. I think this is the hardest part for the partners of CSA survivors. You want to be close to him and he wants to be close to you, but he pushes you away. My advice is to be clear about boundaries and expectations with him. One of the most important things you can do is to model mature relationship behavior. Surprise surprise, this is difficult for everyone, not just survivors of CSA.
3. Misplaced anger is also common among survivors of CSA. You might want to search the forum for the threads that talk about anger (there are lots). Because we were children when the abuse occurred and it was mostly likely perpetrated by someone we trusted or was in a trusted position, we often have a hard time directing the anger at the abuser and often direct it towards ourselves and those closest to us. Coming to some kind of peace around this (not repressing it) is an important but difficult step in the healing process.
I hope someone with more personal experience will answer 4, but my initial read is that you are correct.
I'm not sure if your partner has a therapist, but my opinion is that navigating these issues without professional help is very difficult, if not impossible. They're just too complicated and emotionally charged to try to get through alone.
Finally, if you haven't discussed reaching out on this forum with him, I don't think you should share it with him. It's very likely that posting here without his prior permission will be viewed as a violation of trust.
Hope this helps. Keep asking questions. And again, thanks for your willingness to help him.
Lome
Glad you found the site. Thanks so much for reaching out to see how you can best support your partner. Helping a survivor on their healing path can be challenging and the cult component of your partner's story certainly complicates things. That said, I am an optimist about recovery and will provide the best answers I can to your questions.
1. Push and pull is very common. Our view and approach to intimate relationships has been, to varying degrees, impacted by sexual trauma. The trauma manifests in many ways, one of the most common being confusion around how to be close to another human being.
2. I think this is the hardest part for the partners of CSA survivors. You want to be close to him and he wants to be close to you, but he pushes you away. My advice is to be clear about boundaries and expectations with him. One of the most important things you can do is to model mature relationship behavior. Surprise surprise, this is difficult for everyone, not just survivors of CSA.
3. Misplaced anger is also common among survivors of CSA. You might want to search the forum for the threads that talk about anger (there are lots). Because we were children when the abuse occurred and it was mostly likely perpetrated by someone we trusted or was in a trusted position, we often have a hard time directing the anger at the abuser and often direct it towards ourselves and those closest to us. Coming to some kind of peace around this (not repressing it) is an important but difficult step in the healing process.
I hope someone with more personal experience will answer 4, but my initial read is that you are correct.
I'm not sure if your partner has a therapist, but my opinion is that navigating these issues without professional help is very difficult, if not impossible. They're just too complicated and emotionally charged to try to get through alone.
Finally, if you haven't discussed reaching out on this forum with him, I don't think you should share it with him. It's very likely that posting here without his prior permission will be viewed as a violation of trust.
Hope this helps. Keep asking questions. And again, thanks for your willingness to help him.
Lome
Hello Golden Phoenix, I agree with authentic me in greeting you and 1-3, I have a bit of experience with 4 and will share on that. I'm sorry for what brings you here, we so often say that in greeting, it's so true. The people here do find courage and empowerment to make the efforts to share. I hope you're aware of what this site is like and have precautions for how you visit. That is, to be careful to know this part of the site, these Forums are public. They're readable as you know, and most are allowed to join, though moderated. There are definite limits and a lot of solace and compassion to go around. I note this, because you wonder about letting your partner read this, and that's possible either by you telling him, or if he's aware of MS and happens to recognize your post/thread? Please don't be alarmed, I'm over protective, it's my nature.
Your insight is in that question. The codependency is strong, as you describe. I can relate to that, about how it would seem my mother had a desire to help me. Thinking it was showing love, or making up for the past neglect, but to me, it was also an intrusion. I do have a lot of anger from my childhood upbringing, and today I discussed that with my therapist. I'll be posting and journaling a lot soon. There's so much to process. When one parent, or perhaps a dynamic of parents, on dominant one submissive, both aggressively abusive, neither engaged, etc... expose us to their ways, we are sent down side tracks, sometimes over and over. We don't know where we're going and only good intervention helps. What's that? I'm working on what that is, I see glimmers of finding the answers. I sometimes think I might know, and then there's a need to consider a new angle, something I may not have originally considered. This is not easy, as you well know.
I am sure, that while my mom has meant well, and not desired to cause difficulties for me, her ways did so anyway. An example is criticism. Simple, direct and intended to offer minor correction. What's extremely hard to handle though, is that, as an adult, as a man who wants to chose how something is done, telling me how to chew is demeaning and puerile on her part. If she doesn't enjoy my chewing, stop asking me out to lunch. I won't go anymore.
Too, if I am talking at my own party, with my own friends, and I'm animated, exuberant, even loudly excited, DO NOT PUT YOUR HAND OVER MY MOUTH TO QUIET ME, (I'm reflexively being anger toward her for doing that). I have that anger, which damaged me again, and occurred about two years ago, maybe three? I'm appalled she would think it's okay to put her hand over my mouth. It's my house, my party, my friends and she's a guest. Triggered that I'm having a good time, she's thinking it OK to do that? It's power, it's like, hey, you can't grow up, you're not allowed to be a man and have your life, I will correct you!
I hope those two somewhat resonate, it's the control dynamic that I'm aware with my mother. I hate it. These are two, and I picked them for there being dramatic. It goes on and on. I put up with it for the reason of "what if mommy will now love me?" a subconscious thought I have to process. I am sure this old, lost childhood attachment I failed to get from her, and she and maybe I want to have, creates these boundary issues. It's very unhealthy.
I've wholly stopped trying to actively engage. I do the best and the least possible. I need that until I am wholly me.
I hope that's somewhat useful?
Golden_Phoenix said:
Your insight is in that question. The codependency is strong, as you describe. I can relate to that, about how it would seem my mother had a desire to help me. Thinking it was showing love, or making up for the past neglect, but to me, it was also an intrusion. I do have a lot of anger from my childhood upbringing, and today I discussed that with my therapist. I'll be posting and journaling a lot soon. There's so much to process. When one parent, or perhaps a dynamic of parents, on dominant one submissive, both aggressively abusive, neither engaged, etc... expose us to their ways, we are sent down side tracks, sometimes over and over. We don't know where we're going and only good intervention helps. What's that? I'm working on what that is, I see glimmers of finding the answers. I sometimes think I might know, and then there's a need to consider a new angle, something I may not have originally considered. This is not easy, as you well know.
I am sure, that while my mom has meant well, and not desired to cause difficulties for me, her ways did so anyway. An example is criticism. Simple, direct and intended to offer minor correction. What's extremely hard to handle though, is that, as an adult, as a man who wants to chose how something is done, telling me how to chew is demeaning and puerile on her part. If she doesn't enjoy my chewing, stop asking me out to lunch. I won't go anymore.
Too, if I am talking at my own party, with my own friends, and I'm animated, exuberant, even loudly excited, DO NOT PUT YOUR HAND OVER MY MOUTH TO QUIET ME, (I'm reflexively being anger toward her for doing that). I have that anger, which damaged me again, and occurred about two years ago, maybe three? I'm appalled she would think it's okay to put her hand over my mouth. It's my house, my party, my friends and she's a guest. Triggered that I'm having a good time, she's thinking it OK to do that? It's power, it's like, hey, you can't grow up, you're not allowed to be a man and have your life, I will correct you!
I hope those two somewhat resonate, it's the control dynamic that I'm aware with my mother. I hate it. These are two, and I picked them for there being dramatic. It goes on and on. I put up with it for the reason of "what if mommy will now love me?" a subconscious thought I have to process. I am sure this old, lost childhood attachment I failed to get from her, and she and maybe I want to have, creates these boundary issues. It's very unhealthy.
I've wholly stopped trying to actively engage. I do the best and the least possible. I need that until I am wholly me.
I hope that's somewhat useful?
Golden_Phoenix
Registrant
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Golden_Phoenix
Registrant
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AuthenticMe
Registrant
Golden Phoenix,
I can't express how much I appreciate your commitment to helping your partner heal. I never could have made it to where I am without the support of my wife. Opening your heart to him only to have it subjected to the push/pull you describe must be incredibly painful. You are totally justified in feeling hurt and frustrated for being blamed for something you didn't do at a time when you are trying to help him. It doesn't make any sense at all from a rational perspective. I wish there were an easy answer, but I think the best advice I can give is to try not take it personally. He's hurting, and sometimes people who are hurting lash out at whatever and whoever is around them. You may want to seek a caregiver support group to help you get some peace around the relationship.
Accountability can be complicated for survivors because sometimes we feel like taking responsibility for our feelings means taking responsibility for the abuse. Again, doesn't make much sense, but things can get jumbled and disconnected for us.
Your intuition about the inappropriateness of the therapist's comments are totally correct. It's not OK to tell someone in need that suicide might even remotely be a valid choice. Unfortunately, good therapists can be really hard find.
I hope he can find his way onto the forum. It has helped me immensely.
Lome
I can't express how much I appreciate your commitment to helping your partner heal. I never could have made it to where I am without the support of my wife. Opening your heart to him only to have it subjected to the push/pull you describe must be incredibly painful. You are totally justified in feeling hurt and frustrated for being blamed for something you didn't do at a time when you are trying to help him. It doesn't make any sense at all from a rational perspective. I wish there were an easy answer, but I think the best advice I can give is to try not take it personally. He's hurting, and sometimes people who are hurting lash out at whatever and whoever is around them. You may want to seek a caregiver support group to help you get some peace around the relationship.
Accountability can be complicated for survivors because sometimes we feel like taking responsibility for our feelings means taking responsibility for the abuse. Again, doesn't make much sense, but things can get jumbled and disconnected for us.
Your intuition about the inappropriateness of the therapist's comments are totally correct. It's not OK to tell someone in need that suicide might even remotely be a valid choice. Unfortunately, good therapists can be really hard find.
I hope he can find his way onto the forum. It has helped me immensely.
Lome
HealingHope
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Golden_Phoenix
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Golden_Phoenix
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Golden_Phoenix
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HealingHope
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AuthenticMe
Registrant
Hi Golden Phoenix,
To answer your question about my wife, I had done a lot of work around the abuse before we met. It wasn't really anything she did, I was ready.
To answer your question about my wife, I had done a lot of work around the abuse before we met. It wasn't really anything she did, I was ready.
Golden_Phoenix
Registrant
Thank you for both your feedback HH and AM!
