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- Thread starterDuckie
- Start date
pittsburgh
Registrant
I am so sorry to hear of your struggle. I had the same for many years. My body an mind also betrayed me. I think many of us have felt that at some point. It took a "T" to help me come to understand that it is a natural part of a males reaction to stimulation. The perps know this an use it against us. I wish you the very best in your journey. It takes work and effort to move forward. But it can be done with help and faith in yourself.
Iaccus
The inner child was my biggest nemesis. It was a part of me I denied and it turns out despised. It is where I had buried the abuse--the memories and emotions. This part of me wreaked havoc on my life and I thought I was in control. It turns out we all have different parts but for most the parts grow in time. For CSA victims this part can become frozen in time, only knowing the abuse. This part does not share in any happiness or joy we may have in life. How we build that wall I do not know. I do know that part was there my whole life. I hated what the child stood for--CSA, feeling special toward the abuser, feeling loved by him and thinking what he did was out of love. The parts of me that grew and thought like an adult despised this thinking. So I buried it, and when the child came knocking I fought him. In the end the child became stronger than I and would take over.
The experts believe the child would take control when I went into dissociative episodes. This child wanted to be recognized and loved. All the child knew was the abuse and believed he had received better from the abuser than me. Sad, my need to despise and hate the child within was self abusive and self destructive.
I thought I had accepted the child, but there is still lingering pain. I am coming to understand the emotions that set me into dissociation have not been fully processed. The triggers and those that triggered these episodes became suspended and when the episodes were over I never got back to processing. I will never know what happened in dissociation so there is nothing to process except the fear of what may have happened, the imagination runs wildly.
The child in each of us responds different but effects us in some way and in most cases not a positive way.
I have worked on it for a few years now but continue to learn there is more that needs to take place. Unfortunately I have been fighting these new lows in life and I am struggling just to stay alive. I am fighting and have been told the child and the abuse are part of it as are the unprocessed emotions of the triggers and those who triggered.
It seems the battles never end and the war has a cease fire and then the child or the memories and emotions come out fighting once again, igniting the war. I do not know how many more battles I can fight until the white flag is raised. I have it extended at the side of my body and keep thinking just raise it and get it over.
The child within is real and I wish I knew I should have loved the child throughout life, I did not because like you I resented all the child represented.
Kevin
The inner child was my biggest nemesis. It was a part of me I denied and it turns out despised. It is where I had buried the abuse--the memories and emotions. This part of me wreaked havoc on my life and I thought I was in control. It turns out we all have different parts but for most the parts grow in time. For CSA victims this part can become frozen in time, only knowing the abuse. This part does not share in any happiness or joy we may have in life. How we build that wall I do not know. I do know that part was there my whole life. I hated what the child stood for--CSA, feeling special toward the abuser, feeling loved by him and thinking what he did was out of love. The parts of me that grew and thought like an adult despised this thinking. So I buried it, and when the child came knocking I fought him. In the end the child became stronger than I and would take over.
The experts believe the child would take control when I went into dissociative episodes. This child wanted to be recognized and loved. All the child knew was the abuse and believed he had received better from the abuser than me. Sad, my need to despise and hate the child within was self abusive and self destructive.
I thought I had accepted the child, but there is still lingering pain. I am coming to understand the emotions that set me into dissociation have not been fully processed. The triggers and those that triggered these episodes became suspended and when the episodes were over I never got back to processing. I will never know what happened in dissociation so there is nothing to process except the fear of what may have happened, the imagination runs wildly.
The child in each of us responds different but effects us in some way and in most cases not a positive way.
I have worked on it for a few years now but continue to learn there is more that needs to take place. Unfortunately I have been fighting these new lows in life and I am struggling just to stay alive. I am fighting and have been told the child and the abuse are part of it as are the unprocessed emotions of the triggers and those who triggered.
It seems the battles never end and the war has a cease fire and then the child or the memories and emotions come out fighting once again, igniting the war. I do not know how many more battles I can fight until the white flag is raised. I have it extended at the side of my body and keep thinking just raise it and get it over.
The child within is real and I wish I knew I should have loved the child throughout life, I did not because like you I resented all the child represented.
Kevin
Someone said to me why I am so affected by the taunts in the home and everything else that was done, is not just me the adult that felt attacked, it was the child within that they were also attacking. My reaction are those of the child within, being bullied, abandoned, taunted and lied about. It is the child's pain that is not being processed and it is the child that is hurting. I understand that but it just adds to what I am dealing with as to emotions and exhaustion. I thought it was me the adult alone who was hurting but my reactions are similar to those of a child being bullied on the playground.
That child is such a part of us and for many of us, we ignored and disowned this part of us. I am struggling on how to help this part of me.
Kevin
That child is such a part of us and for many of us, we ignored and disowned this part of us. I am struggling on how to help this part of me.
Kevin
Iaccus.
I am just realizing now that I have been dealing with this side of me for some time.
Although I never despised this part of me, I did reject and neglect it/him.
When the abuse was occurring I was forced to live 2 separate lives, to compartmentalize to such a degree that I had to lie to myself so that it would be convincing enough to others.
There was the "real me," that was forced to go once a week to the Pedophile ring and get R*ped and make movies with adults and other children, multiple times in a single day, and then the was the "Lie me," that wore a false smile and went to school and got pretty good grades, not too good because I could risk standing out in any way no matter what it was. The "Lie Me" was the one that I presented to every one, and the "Real Me," That was the one that I suppressed as much as possible!
When my abuse ended, at least the physical part ended, I completely suppressed the "real me" and the "Lie me" is who i lived and I did that until the dam broke that the Flashbacks and Nightmares flooded into my life.
I basically suppressed the Real me for too long---The "real" me was The "Inner child" me!!!!!
I thought that if I just forgot all about it that it would all go away. I don't think that I am alone in this false belief. I think that many of us have tried to do that, albeit unsuccessfully, tried none the less. I think that that is only naturally with such horrific and tragic traumatic events with no one to turn to, and feeling that one is alone with all of what has happened.
I have been dealing very intensely with my Therapist about this very subject. The compartmentalization never went away. All that really happened is that I suppressed it so well that I convince myself that it wasn't there anymore.
Well, it is very much still there and something that I must now deal with.
It is very difficult because he cannot see things like I can, he can only view things like a child to young teenager would and therefore the process in slow.
Although you may think that you hate your inner child for participating in the abuse(las if he had a choice). Maybe it would be helpful if you tried to view it a bit differently. For instance, I am sure that you detested the abuse, but just because he was a participant, that does not make him an accessory, for he had no choice!!!
You and I and the rest of us here did NOT have a choice!!!!
We did NOT choose this for ourselves and yet it still happened!!!!!
Your inner Child was apart of you once and everything that you experienced, so did he.
Try not to beat up on him so much. I know that is Much easier said than done, but try to remember that he was and still is just a child and he is hurting.
I hope that i have helped to some degree.
Sincerely, Your friend and brother in healing,
Logan
I am just realizing now that I have been dealing with this side of me for some time.
Although I never despised this part of me, I did reject and neglect it/him.
When the abuse was occurring I was forced to live 2 separate lives, to compartmentalize to such a degree that I had to lie to myself so that it would be convincing enough to others.
There was the "real me," that was forced to go once a week to the Pedophile ring and get R*ped and make movies with adults and other children, multiple times in a single day, and then the was the "Lie me," that wore a false smile and went to school and got pretty good grades, not too good because I could risk standing out in any way no matter what it was. The "Lie Me" was the one that I presented to every one, and the "Real Me," That was the one that I suppressed as much as possible!
When my abuse ended, at least the physical part ended, I completely suppressed the "real me" and the "Lie me" is who i lived and I did that until the dam broke that the Flashbacks and Nightmares flooded into my life.
I basically suppressed the Real me for too long---The "real" me was The "Inner child" me!!!!!
I thought that if I just forgot all about it that it would all go away. I don't think that I am alone in this false belief. I think that many of us have tried to do that, albeit unsuccessfully, tried none the less. I think that that is only naturally with such horrific and tragic traumatic events with no one to turn to, and feeling that one is alone with all of what has happened.
I have been dealing very intensely with my Therapist about this very subject. The compartmentalization never went away. All that really happened is that I suppressed it so well that I convince myself that it wasn't there anymore.
Well, it is very much still there and something that I must now deal with.
It is very difficult because he cannot see things like I can, he can only view things like a child to young teenager would and therefore the process in slow.
Although you may think that you hate your inner child for participating in the abuse(las if he had a choice). Maybe it would be helpful if you tried to view it a bit differently. For instance, I am sure that you detested the abuse, but just because he was a participant, that does not make him an accessory, for he had no choice!!!
You and I and the rest of us here did NOT have a choice!!!!
We did NOT choose this for ourselves and yet it still happened!!!!!
Your inner Child was apart of you once and everything that you experienced, so did he.
Try not to beat up on him so much. I know that is Much easier said than done, but try to remember that he was and still is just a child and he is hurting.
I hope that i have helped to some degree.
Sincerely, Your friend and brother in healing,
Logan
Last edited by a moderator:
Just want to chime in here about the "Lie Me" -- great way to put it. My "Lie Me" always wore a plastered smile...well, almost always. Never let anyone (including myself) see, let alone acknowledge, the "Real Me." Now for the past year or two, the "Real Me" has been slowly emerging. It's upsetting, scary, wonderful, confusing. Integrating the two is the goal.
iaccus,
Like so many others, I could have written that. At times I still could.
I held myself in contempt for so long. The kid I was never defended me, never retaliated. And was stupid enough to keep falling deeper and deeper into shit.
In fact this is the kid that survived. Did he always pick the best methods? No. But for a kid, working alone he did the best he could. Sometimes all he could do was go numb and dumb, somtimes he went crazy. But he was just a kid. My assault was the first physical fight I was ever in and I lost. If he didn't do what he did afterwards, I probably never would have thought about it, learned and went forward.
When I notice myself hating him, I try to step back and see him as someone else or as just a little kid. We were just kids.
I hope you can find healing.
Brian
Like so many others, I could have written that. At times I still could.
I held myself in contempt for so long. The kid I was never defended me, never retaliated. And was stupid enough to keep falling deeper and deeper into shit.
In fact this is the kid that survived. Did he always pick the best methods? No. But for a kid, working alone he did the best he could. Sometimes all he could do was go numb and dumb, somtimes he went crazy. But he was just a kid. My assault was the first physical fight I was ever in and I lost. If he didn't do what he did afterwards, I probably never would have thought about it, learned and went forward.
When I notice myself hating him, I try to step back and see him as someone else or as just a little kid. We were just kids.
I hope you can find healing.
Brian
