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Tryingtolive
Registrant
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- Thread starterTryingtolive
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I just force myself to do what I need to do during the day. I can generally get the important items done but anything ancillary is a hit or miss proposal.
victor-victim
Registrant
i love to learn.
i am not afraid to fail.
i just never know when to quit.
i am stupid and stubborn and it gives me stamina.
i have a lot of hobbies and jobs and goals and dreams and deadlines and obstacles and ideas and expectations and commitments and consequences that keep me busy on a day to day basis.
i create, i plan, i produce and i deliver.
one thought at a time. one day at a time.
i do not 'multi-task' i am a 'tunnel-vision' type.
discipline and desire and focus and ambition equals work and fun.
i am driven from within.
how do i function on a day to day basis?
quite well.
i am not afraid to fail.
i just never know when to quit.
i am stupid and stubborn and it gives me stamina.
i have a lot of hobbies and jobs and goals and dreams and deadlines and obstacles and ideas and expectations and commitments and consequences that keep me busy on a day to day basis.
i create, i plan, i produce and i deliver.
one thought at a time. one day at a time.
i do not 'multi-task' i am a 'tunnel-vision' type.
discipline and desire and focus and ambition equals work and fun.
i am driven from within.
how do i function on a day to day basis?
quite well.
ShortedDiode
Registrant
Badly. I'm probably overstating it, but that isn't far from the truth.
The need to get done stuff barely gets done and anything else is a crapshoot at best. I have a ton of projects on the shelves in the basement that I never get to. Most of the shrubs in the back yard are trimmed except one that very clearly isn't and it's been like that for well over a month now. The one that takes the cake is the roll of film I started developing two weekends ago that got as far as developed and stopped. Then I discovered my fixer had gone bad so it's still in the daylight tank. I bought new fixer but didn't get to mixing it and finishing off processing that film before I went on the night shift so that's something I need to do tomorrow. At this point, if nothing else, it'll be an interesting science experiment to see how well a roll of black and white film withstands a two week gap between being developed and stopped and then fixed. When I'm at work, I muddle through the day as best I can but, honestly, the same can be said of most of the rest of the people working there who have to grind through eight hours a day in a workplace that keeps going downhill.
I do the best I can with what I'm given. Unfortunately, it isn't much to work with.
The need to get done stuff barely gets done and anything else is a crapshoot at best. I have a ton of projects on the shelves in the basement that I never get to. Most of the shrubs in the back yard are trimmed except one that very clearly isn't and it's been like that for well over a month now. The one that takes the cake is the roll of film I started developing two weekends ago that got as far as developed and stopped. Then I discovered my fixer had gone bad so it's still in the daylight tank. I bought new fixer but didn't get to mixing it and finishing off processing that film before I went on the night shift so that's something I need to do tomorrow. At this point, if nothing else, it'll be an interesting science experiment to see how well a roll of black and white film withstands a two week gap between being developed and stopped and then fixed. When I'm at work, I muddle through the day as best I can but, honestly, the same can be said of most of the rest of the people working there who have to grind through eight hours a day in a workplace that keeps going downhill.
I do the best I can with what I'm given. Unfortunately, it isn't much to work with.
It has been difficult. I first focused on healing and it has taken a loooooong time (longer than I had wanted). I found myself in a place that I felt good about myself, accepted the abuse and accepted it was not my fault. The latter two were difficult but with encouragement from many I have made strides. I focused on healing and valuing myself, but I let other important aspects of life slip by, especially work. Well four weeks ago I was talking with someone at work whose business had slipped over the past two years--hers from happy and positives in her life, a new relationship and then a remarriage. It was interesting that such positive and wonderful things in ones life could derail them from the focus of daily tasks. We decided enough of letting business slip by, we became accountability partners. Each day we meet, do scripts (commission business) and set goals. We report back to each other at the end of the days are successes, shortcomings, etc. It has given purpose. I am beginning to see results. I have to make it a habit and it takes 66 takes to make any activity a habit. I am 28 days and still at it. I am learning to balance my healing, instead of it being a dominating focus with other life activities. It is not easy and I will keep you posted on how it progresses.
"We are kept from our goal, not by obstacles but by a clear path to a lesser goal"
"We are kept from our goal, not by obstacles but by a clear path to a lesser goal"
dark empathy
Registrant
@KMCINVA, what you say about your friend at work being destracted by her new relationship and mariage really hit me. It is something I'd not have believed possible until now, however I will admit I'm finding focusing on anything besides my lady difficult, though ironically when I do it goes much better because I no longer get pulled down by the voice of Shadow telling me what I'm doing is a pointless waste of time. Oddly enough I find however that when I am doing things directed towards her it is easy, for the first time in years I actually contacted the music department of my university to see what events were going on and actually want to go, where as previously I always felt it was too much work, I've also done a startling amount of practical arrangements around a possible life with my lady which surprises me, sinse I never thought of myself as the organizational or practical type, but wow, it's easy to do things for others, especially the ones you love.
As to living with abuse though, apathy is always and has always been my nemesis. There are several ways I found to cope, but their not always easy ones. Having a dog helped with basically getting up in the morning (as I said above it's easy to do things for the ones you love, far easier than doing things for yourself). One crytical factor I did find was making sure that I could understand the difference between actual inability to move due to depression and healing, like when I'd had a nightmare and spent the next 24 hours in a haze or when i was literally in such a fugue state I couldn't even stand upright (yes this happened), and when I simply was using it as an excuse for myself.
Part of the problem, is that most of the good things I do are creative, are using words, even my phd thesis, and to get myself into the state where that sort of linguistic building is at all possible I'd need to be in a good place first. I had days when I'd lie awake all night, get up at 9 am, sit with my computer for 5 hours and write one paragraph, which I'd then delete at 2 in the afternoon as being total crap. I'd even have days when I'd read back what I wrote myself and not be able to understand a word, sinse I couldn't follow my own arguements or logic or writing.
The hard part in getting things done is telling the difference between two states, the state of being literally unable! to do something, and being able to with effort. In the first state no effort will make a difference, or if it does, it takes such a monumental amount of strain that it isn't worth it in the end. In the second, well things could be fine when you get started, but you need to give yourself an emotional boot up the bumb to get into gear and actually do! something.
Knowing which state is which is not easy, and I freely confess even with myself I fail on occasion and will find myself either pushing myself when it is a bad idea and then paying the price, or being a lazy so and so and saying "Well it's a bad day today" Indeed one of the few indicators I have for this is if I find myself saying "it's a bad day I won't bother" that usually means it isn't and I should, where as if I simply can't move and am utterly lost, that is that.
I'll also add, that another helpful tool in determining this balance is compromising in small things. I found myself that I'd cometo a point where I was saying "Well maybe I can't go and do a big creative bit of writing today, but I could spell check what I've done", or "Well maybe I can't do a massive writing project at the moment, but I could wash up and clean the place"
That is another key part I found in battling apathy and not trying to do too much or too little, simply trying to strike the center of what I could do on any given occasion.
Of course I freely admit I do fail at this and have failed at this, and how I will deal with trying to get things done when all I can think about at the moment is how much I love! my lady I don't know, but hopefully that is a bit of advice that someone will find in some sense useful.
Luke.
As to living with abuse though, apathy is always and has always been my nemesis. There are several ways I found to cope, but their not always easy ones. Having a dog helped with basically getting up in the morning (as I said above it's easy to do things for the ones you love, far easier than doing things for yourself). One crytical factor I did find was making sure that I could understand the difference between actual inability to move due to depression and healing, like when I'd had a nightmare and spent the next 24 hours in a haze or when i was literally in such a fugue state I couldn't even stand upright (yes this happened), and when I simply was using it as an excuse for myself.
Part of the problem, is that most of the good things I do are creative, are using words, even my phd thesis, and to get myself into the state where that sort of linguistic building is at all possible I'd need to be in a good place first. I had days when I'd lie awake all night, get up at 9 am, sit with my computer for 5 hours and write one paragraph, which I'd then delete at 2 in the afternoon as being total crap. I'd even have days when I'd read back what I wrote myself and not be able to understand a word, sinse I couldn't follow my own arguements or logic or writing.
The hard part in getting things done is telling the difference between two states, the state of being literally unable! to do something, and being able to with effort. In the first state no effort will make a difference, or if it does, it takes such a monumental amount of strain that it isn't worth it in the end. In the second, well things could be fine when you get started, but you need to give yourself an emotional boot up the bumb to get into gear and actually do! something.
Knowing which state is which is not easy, and I freely confess even with myself I fail on occasion and will find myself either pushing myself when it is a bad idea and then paying the price, or being a lazy so and so and saying "Well it's a bad day today" Indeed one of the few indicators I have for this is if I find myself saying "it's a bad day I won't bother" that usually means it isn't and I should, where as if I simply can't move and am utterly lost, that is that.
I'll also add, that another helpful tool in determining this balance is compromising in small things. I found myself that I'd cometo a point where I was saying "Well maybe I can't go and do a big creative bit of writing today, but I could spell check what I've done", or "Well maybe I can't do a massive writing project at the moment, but I could wash up and clean the place"
That is another key part I found in battling apathy and not trying to do too much or too little, simply trying to strike the center of what I could do on any given occasion.
Of course I freely admit I do fail at this and have failed at this, and how I will deal with trying to get things done when all I can think about at the moment is how much I love! my lady I don't know, but hopefully that is a bit of advice that someone will find in some sense useful.
Luke.
Luke
I understand. My friend whom I have written about, gave me a sense of life that had been absent from my life for so long. She made me feel whole, loved and I felt safe and not threatened. I found comfort in this way of life. I cherished it and it sidetracked me from other important parts of my life. I would not trade this part of my life for anything. I needed that feeling of being loved, listened, being a central part of one's life and respected. It had a healing effect. Now the downside is I have much catching up to do in the workforce. I am ready, my friend she has been overseas for months and I know it is time to begin to live the rest of my life. A life that is not controlled by the abuse or some who pushed me into an abyss of the memories of the abuse. Yes a good thing can sidetrack one, but sometimes it is needed and can rejuvenate one to achieve more.
Thank you for your words, it reminded me of what I lived and how something/someone wonderful has helped me to heal and realize life has much more to offer.
Kevin
I understand. My friend whom I have written about, gave me a sense of life that had been absent from my life for so long. She made me feel whole, loved and I felt safe and not threatened. I found comfort in this way of life. I cherished it and it sidetracked me from other important parts of my life. I would not trade this part of my life for anything. I needed that feeling of being loved, listened, being a central part of one's life and respected. It had a healing effect. Now the downside is I have much catching up to do in the workforce. I am ready, my friend she has been overseas for months and I know it is time to begin to live the rest of my life. A life that is not controlled by the abuse or some who pushed me into an abyss of the memories of the abuse. Yes a good thing can sidetrack one, but sometimes it is needed and can rejuvenate one to achieve more.
Thank you for your words, it reminded me of what I lived and how something/someone wonderful has helped me to heal and realize life has much more to offer.
Kevin
Kevin - what an uplifting affirmation.
I really like that. Life, indeed, has much more to offer. Thanks
I really like that. Life, indeed, has much more to offer. Thanks
dark empathy
Registrant
@Kevin, I will confess I am almost afraid of just how much I love L, (Her name starts with L, though I'm not giving out her full name for privacy purposes). What astonishes me even more is the way she feels about me and how she's communicated this, in words (a lot of words sinse due to her current living arrangements all our communication is by phone, but that will hopefully change soone enough), in the time we spent together just holding hands or curled up together, she even gave me my first kiss, which to me is very important sinse it's no longer true the closest anyone has ever wanted to be to me was during my abuse. We're also just plane friends, we argue about books a lot, indeed she's amazed she's met someone who has as wide a vocabulary as her while I'm amazed I've met someone who reads as much as I do for as long as I do, oh, and her being an absolutely amazing Soprano while I'm a fairly adequate tenor?
I can't explain just what it is like to know the way she sees me, indeed even though I've told her quite honestly that I don't want her to be my therapist and I want what we have to be more than just her "fixing" me, in a way it's already happened sinse basically all I've ever wanted is someone who just loved me, and for some reason I still do not understand, she does.
Maybe I'll never be able to see in me what L sees in me, but it doesn't matter. The real irony is that while she doesn't have an abuse history, she has been very lonely for quite a long time, she freely told me she didn't even believe she could! feel the way she does about someone the way she feels about me anymore, indeed one reason we've ended up where we are is because she's so completely, and utterly honest in everything she does, (it's one of the things I love about her, but that's not saying much sinse I pretty much love everything! about her, even her faults which she is equally absolutely honest about).
Anyway, I wasn't planning on hijacking this topic to sound extremely corny, but to be honest this is why I do wonder about doing things.
Then again, I've got more general energy now than I've had for years, heck even when I do my 20 minutes running and weights each morning (something I do try to maintain but don't always succeed at keeping going), I've noticed my muscles developing more than they have for years, even my voice and vocal technique is improving, so if I can! get to creative projects I'm pretty sure that energy will transfer as well.
I can't explain just what it is like to know the way she sees me, indeed even though I've told her quite honestly that I don't want her to be my therapist and I want what we have to be more than just her "fixing" me, in a way it's already happened sinse basically all I've ever wanted is someone who just loved me, and for some reason I still do not understand, she does.
Maybe I'll never be able to see in me what L sees in me, but it doesn't matter. The real irony is that while she doesn't have an abuse history, she has been very lonely for quite a long time, she freely told me she didn't even believe she could! feel the way she does about someone the way she feels about me anymore, indeed one reason we've ended up where we are is because she's so completely, and utterly honest in everything she does, (it's one of the things I love about her, but that's not saying much sinse I pretty much love everything! about her, even her faults which she is equally absolutely honest about).
Anyway, I wasn't planning on hijacking this topic to sound extremely corny, but to be honest this is why I do wonder about doing things.
Then again, I've got more general energy now than I've had for years, heck even when I do my 20 minutes running and weights each morning (something I do try to maintain but don't always succeed at keeping going), I've noticed my muscles developing more than they have for years, even my voice and vocal technique is improving, so if I can! get to creative projects I'm pretty sure that energy will transfer as well.
I come to believe certain people come into our lives for a reason. For me I met two people who were key to my healing. The first truly just a friend whose last days were spent giving to others while she fought her own battle against cancer. Then my special friend, more than a friend, a woman who helped me heal on all levels, physically, emotionally, sexually and most importantly teaching me to love myself through example and support. She did not become my therapist but rather a person who understood and appreciated the human spirit. She sees abuse and re-traumatizing of the abused as a means by others to destroy the human spirit, because their spirit is built on shaky foundations of true love and support. They demonstrate in everyday actions, how they talk of and laugh about people, how they respond to others in need and abandon them in their time of need, how they open or shut their minds to the realities and causes of those struggling and suffering.
The special friend who has come into my life, will it be permanent or forever. I say forever for one reason, no matter where we end up or who we end up with, the imprinting of her words and support will carry me into the future and through out my life. It is not her presence but rather her heart and a mind full of understanding that gives me the forever, my forever, my life. It is the opposite of the imprint the abuser left me with, a sense of worthlessness, fear, and the ability to sabotage my life so as to protect a secret that should never have been protected. She has shown negative imprints can be overcome with love, support and compassion. Something I now know I longed for but was deprived. I came to be the self abusive individual because the abuser left me with those feelings and later in life these emotions were reinforced by others. Forever, does not have to be a physical presence but rather something of value you were given or taught of yourself.
Dark empathy the words you have written hold wisdom. You see what L has done to your sense of self, your desires to enjoy life, giving you the experiences every human being craves. She should not be your T but rather someone who makes you feel safe, puts you in a high position in her life, and encourages you to be you and to grow. Do not try to guess where you and L are going, you will go where it is meant to go. No matter where you and L end up, you will be left a better person because you have grown and learned to appreciate yourself. This will help you to function and engage in day to day activities and to take on new opportunities.
Kevin
The special friend who has come into my life, will it be permanent or forever. I say forever for one reason, no matter where we end up or who we end up with, the imprinting of her words and support will carry me into the future and through out my life. It is not her presence but rather her heart and a mind full of understanding that gives me the forever, my forever, my life. It is the opposite of the imprint the abuser left me with, a sense of worthlessness, fear, and the ability to sabotage my life so as to protect a secret that should never have been protected. She has shown negative imprints can be overcome with love, support and compassion. Something I now know I longed for but was deprived. I came to be the self abusive individual because the abuser left me with those feelings and later in life these emotions were reinforced by others. Forever, does not have to be a physical presence but rather something of value you were given or taught of yourself.
Dark empathy the words you have written hold wisdom. You see what L has done to your sense of self, your desires to enjoy life, giving you the experiences every human being craves. She should not be your T but rather someone who makes you feel safe, puts you in a high position in her life, and encourages you to be you and to grow. Do not try to guess where you and L are going, you will go where it is meant to go. No matter where you and L end up, you will be left a better person because you have grown and learned to appreciate yourself. This will help you to function and engage in day to day activities and to take on new opportunities.
Kevin
dark empathy
Registrant
@Kevin, you might well be correct, sinse what L has already given me is astounding, and what (if she is to be believed and I am not in a position to doubt), she has gained from me as well. This really is what I have always wanted, just to be loved, and to love, and to learn how to love.
Your words about "forever" really hit me sinse I remember a point when we were briefly together at music school where L had her head on my chest and I had my arms round her as I've always wanted with a woman, sinse the physical chemistry and communication between us is so great (I could share a lot with a man but there is an element of that which I couldn't sinse I just don't incline that way towards men), I told L I wanted to stay there forever, and that is exactly how it felt.
she's done more for me just by being herself than anyone ever could, indeed the word "kindred spirit" wouldn't be out of place, although not all the connections between us are entirely those of the mind the emotions and the spirit either, and that is one area where I really! need to heal.
We also just want to share time together in quite normal, very average ways, heck I never imagined I would want so much to wash dishes with someone, but that is actually where we are. We're trying to not get too ahead of ourselves and take things slowly, for both my sake and hers, though I admit the temptation to let certain fantasies run off with us is rather great.
I am hoping in one way though if we can spend at least some time physically together maybe we'll be able to calm things to a slightly easier level, sinse at the moment the intensity is frightening in a way, and yet it's not something I can help sinse I don't think I've ever loved anyone the way I love that tiny soprano, (oh, and the tiny part is rather literal not just a diminutive sinse she is really small).
Your words about "forever" really hit me sinse I remember a point when we were briefly together at music school where L had her head on my chest and I had my arms round her as I've always wanted with a woman, sinse the physical chemistry and communication between us is so great (I could share a lot with a man but there is an element of that which I couldn't sinse I just don't incline that way towards men), I told L I wanted to stay there forever, and that is exactly how it felt.
she's done more for me just by being herself than anyone ever could, indeed the word "kindred spirit" wouldn't be out of place, although not all the connections between us are entirely those of the mind the emotions and the spirit either, and that is one area where I really! need to heal.
We also just want to share time together in quite normal, very average ways, heck I never imagined I would want so much to wash dishes with someone, but that is actually where we are. We're trying to not get too ahead of ourselves and take things slowly, for both my sake and hers, though I admit the temptation to let certain fantasies run off with us is rather great.
I am hoping in one way though if we can spend at least some time physically together maybe we'll be able to calm things to a slightly easier level, sinse at the moment the intensity is frightening in a way, and yet it's not something I can help sinse I don't think I've ever loved anyone the way I love that tiny soprano, (oh, and the tiny part is rather literal not just a diminutive sinse she is really small).
