I get it. It's a mess.
This crap ties us up in knots and leaves us with no easy fix.
But you said you need to talk to some one. And then there's all the what if's.
What if you told you folks you need to talk to a counselor for emotional problems that you can't make sence of things anymore. What if you tell only half the story. What If you tell them just about the symptoms, like depresion, anxiety and panic attacks. And just stick to idk if the ask the why questions, and they will.
Do you think they would help you get in to see someone?
If your over 18, professionals won't break confidentiality if you ask them not to. Unless they belive you or someone is currently at risk of harm.
Just thinking there must be a way. Glad to think through it with you if you think it would help.
Keep venting it it helps.
I know it a bitch, but you have taken your situation head on for many months now and you have a lot more insight into your csa trauma. I know this is taking one hell of a toll but you have a good mind and I believe you can find a way forward. I think talking to a professional could help if there was a way to do it with out bring down the house so to speak. A least having a real person to talk to and understand your situation may be able to help you feel not so isolated in all of this.