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- Thread starterDuckie
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tbkkfile
Registrant
Hi iaccus
I can certainly relate to what your saying, I spent a long time believing that the 11 year old who was abused was a little version of me as I am now, invested in all of my 58 years of experience, a little me who is as belligerent as the me now, big as me now, a little me who is a replica of the me that is now. Instead the little me was unworldly, he had absolutely no experience of life to draw on, he was a skinny kid, he wasn't even fully grown, he was still playing with toy cars in the playground, how the fuck did I expect him to behave.
I feel sad for the little me that he was put in that position in the first place, it certainly wasn't his fault, the blame lies fully with his perps, he has nothing to be ashamed of, what else could he do other than comply.
Peace and happiness
David
I can certainly relate to what your saying, I spent a long time believing that the 11 year old who was abused was a little version of me as I am now, invested in all of my 58 years of experience, a little me who is as belligerent as the me now, big as me now, a little me who is a replica of the me that is now. Instead the little me was unworldly, he had absolutely no experience of life to draw on, he was a skinny kid, he wasn't even fully grown, he was still playing with toy cars in the playground, how the fuck did I expect him to behave.
I feel sad for the little me that he was put in that position in the first place, it certainly wasn't his fault, the blame lies fully with his perps, he has nothing to be ashamed of, what else could he do other than comply.
Peace and happiness
David
Tryingtolive
Registrant
iaccus what u said i can say the same thing..
I've wrestled with this same problem. I have hated my inner child, and I find him repulsive. It's very hard for me to separate out emotions I have about the little guy being raped from the events themselves.
I also desparately don't want to have to engage with him. When I truly start to think about what that kid faced, I just cry for hours. It's just an awful tangle. I know a lot of guys have a picture from their childhood that they like. For me, I just can't stand the sight. I just wish he were dead. It's horrible to say, but true. I can't help but think that at least if I/he had been killed, at least people would understand and have the right emotions.
As it is, it's inexplicable to people. They see this odd, giant man with a repulsive inner child and they can't understand what to think of me. So I have to spend as much time as possible lying and covering up, pretending to be normal to hold up my end of the bargain. And the inner child is just more baggage making that harder by the day. If I'd been killed, it would have been better for the child and much easier for the man.
I also desparately don't want to have to engage with him. When I truly start to think about what that kid faced, I just cry for hours. It's just an awful tangle. I know a lot of guys have a picture from their childhood that they like. For me, I just can't stand the sight. I just wish he were dead. It's horrible to say, but true. I can't help but think that at least if I/he had been killed, at least people would understand and have the right emotions.
As it is, it's inexplicable to people. They see this odd, giant man with a repulsive inner child and they can't understand what to think of me. So I have to spend as much time as possible lying and covering up, pretending to be normal to hold up my end of the bargain. And the inner child is just more baggage making that harder by the day. If I'd been killed, it would have been better for the child and much easier for the man.
I don't know. When my therapist asked me to visit, in session, with little Michael I found it very difficult to control my emotions. I had to apologize to him for the things I have done, the things I have not done, my anger, my alcoholism, my fear -- in many ways I see that he and I are the same person. Maybe I have not grown up as much as I thought. It was difficult and unpleasant. But I think it also helped a little.
I wonder if we move from blaming ourselves to blaming our little selves as a way to move the pain off us. For years I blamed myself and now I don't, at least not as much, but perhaps the little me could become my scapegoat, thus absolving me of any blame.
I wonder if we move from blaming ourselves to blaming our little selves as a way to move the pain off us. For years I blamed myself and now I don't, at least not as much, but perhaps the little me could become my scapegoat, thus absolving me of any blame.
Iaccus
I remember when we began to explore this part of me. It was a part of me, the child, that I totally disowned. I denied this part and hated what the child believed, believing he was special to the abuser. I never realized I had fragmented or separated a part of me from me. At support I would talk about this, I referred to me as me and the child as "it". My child within me was not even human in my eyes. I never realized I used the pronoun "it" for part of me until pointed out to me. I really hated this part of me, the child within.
I always knew there was an internal fight inside of me. I was winning I thought and It was safely sealed. I was totally wrong, as I unraveled It took over. In the past I was able to regain control but during my near demise It was in control more than I knew. I checked out, tired, exhausted, feeling abused and unloved. It felt loved by the abuser and when It took over and I left, It did whatever felt right. Sadly because I disowned and hated this part of me, It only wanted love and the only love It knew was perverse, wrong and warped, the love of the abuser. I did not love this part of me and this part of me saw what was being done by others to me and said that was not love but rather more abuse. It became a vicious cycle of checking in and out and when It took over I left and dissociation took over, an escape from what was happening around me and triggering the past and It's time to live. It was a sick way to live but I knew no other way because I had fragmented myself for a lifetime.
Fast forward, I did a lot of hard work in therapy and group and I can now say It is me and part of me. It was a painful process. I also learned this schism within was the cause of my sense of worthlessness, sense of allowing others to harm me and self destruction. I guess the dissociation saved me from having memories of what I did to cope, but still not a healthy way to live.
I feel your pain and after the hard work I am happy and content. I learned about myself, my child and his needs that were never met by me. I hated this part of me, but today I believe I love all of me. Yes, as you progress you will forgive yourself for these feelings toward the child and what these feeling did to the child within and how that child within influenced how you lived. In time as you uncover the child you will begin to feel whole and your life will be more in control.
I am sorry the session was rough but sadly this whole journey to heal is a rough one. Do not give up, seek support, vent, cry and share. You just have to get the poison out of the system.
I remember when we began to explore this part of me. It was a part of me, the child, that I totally disowned. I denied this part and hated what the child believed, believing he was special to the abuser. I never realized I had fragmented or separated a part of me from me. At support I would talk about this, I referred to me as me and the child as "it". My child within me was not even human in my eyes. I never realized I used the pronoun "it" for part of me until pointed out to me. I really hated this part of me, the child within.
I always knew there was an internal fight inside of me. I was winning I thought and It was safely sealed. I was totally wrong, as I unraveled It took over. In the past I was able to regain control but during my near demise It was in control more than I knew. I checked out, tired, exhausted, feeling abused and unloved. It felt loved by the abuser and when It took over and I left, It did whatever felt right. Sadly because I disowned and hated this part of me, It only wanted love and the only love It knew was perverse, wrong and warped, the love of the abuser. I did not love this part of me and this part of me saw what was being done by others to me and said that was not love but rather more abuse. It became a vicious cycle of checking in and out and when It took over I left and dissociation took over, an escape from what was happening around me and triggering the past and It's time to live. It was a sick way to live but I knew no other way because I had fragmented myself for a lifetime.
Fast forward, I did a lot of hard work in therapy and group and I can now say It is me and part of me. It was a painful process. I also learned this schism within was the cause of my sense of worthlessness, sense of allowing others to harm me and self destruction. I guess the dissociation saved me from having memories of what I did to cope, but still not a healthy way to live.
I feel your pain and after the hard work I am happy and content. I learned about myself, my child and his needs that were never met by me. I hated this part of me, but today I believe I love all of me. Yes, as you progress you will forgive yourself for these feelings toward the child and what these feeling did to the child within and how that child within influenced how you lived. In time as you uncover the child you will begin to feel whole and your life will be more in control.
I am sorry the session was rough but sadly this whole journey to heal is a rough one. Do not give up, seek support, vent, cry and share. You just have to get the poison out of the system.
hey man
I had almost the same thing happen. I didn't realize the level of hatred I had focused on myself. and when they asked me why i said " because he was weak... and stupid" it has haunted me since that day but it has gotten better. it is amazing how similar survivors can be in so many ways.
where you are is a beginning man to think of that child so confused and hearing only what they told us. man it sucked at times to be a child but now we have we have the opportunity to love him and give him what he never had. it is scary man but it is doable.
I had almost the same thing happen. I didn't realize the level of hatred I had focused on myself. and when they asked me why i said " because he was weak... and stupid" it has haunted me since that day but it has gotten better. it is amazing how similar survivors can be in so many ways.
where you are is a beginning man to think of that child so confused and hearing only what they told us. man it sucked at times to be a child but now we have we have the opportunity to love him and give him what he never had. it is scary man but it is doable.
Iaccus, Newground and all
Trigger (I guess)
I hate me. Have hated me and found me worthless and inadequate. I thought of my self as inadequate and so weak. I could not protect my mother or my brother or myself.
I always believed I was a machine and not human. I perform well but I was worthless. t
Trigger (I guess)
I hate me. Have hated me and found me worthless and inadequate. I thought of my self as inadequate and so weak. I could not protect my mother or my brother or myself.
I always believed I was a machine and not human. I perform well but I was worthless. t
Last edited by a moderator:
Genedebs
do not think of yourself as worthless and inadequate. you have been here for many and have much to offer. I have learned how we think of ourselves is how we become. Please try to see the good you have done and what you have to offer. You were young and your mind was molded by the abuse. You could not protect anyone and you should not feel guilty or inadequate.
I hope you find a way to reinforce the good and positives you hold in your life. Please take care of yourself and start telling yourself you have value!
Kevin
do not think of yourself as worthless and inadequate. you have been here for many and have much to offer. I have learned how we think of ourselves is how we become. Please try to see the good you have done and what you have to offer. You were young and your mind was molded by the abuse. You could not protect anyone and you should not feel guilty or inadequate.
I hope you find a way to reinforce the good and positives you hold in your life. Please take care of yourself and start telling yourself you have value!
Kevin
