deleted
deleted
- Thread starterDuckie
- Start date
my wife was the first person I ever told and it probably saved my marriage. I had hidden it for five years of marriage and there was so much she just didn't understand all the crazy and the hypervigelance and the rage so often over nothing...well to her it seemed like nothing.
when I told her she cried... I cried. It changed a lot. but even then I only told her about one abuse it took until three years ago to begin to tell the rest. she has still been my best support.
when I told her she cried... I cried. It changed a lot. but even then I only told her about one abuse it took until three years ago to begin to tell the rest. she has still been my best support.
Tryingtolive
Registrant
Deleted
Last edited by a moderator:
the first person i told was someone i considered a close friend. the immediate reaction was very warm and positive and supportive. he was also a survivor - and knowing that in advance gave me the courage to take the risk of telling him. i did feel a cautious sense of relief and a lightening of the burden.
the best thing that came out of it was that he referred me to his T - which was a great help. When i spilled my guts to the T, there was a feeling of gut-wrenching exhaustion, followed by giddy euphoria - followed quickly by a let-down with numbness and sadness.
the biggest take-away i got from both the friend and the T was that i was not immediately scorned and rejected - but accepted and respected with empathy and compassion.
but it did not end well with my "friend." he used the confidences i had entrusted to him to undermine me and he ultimately betrayed me. it was devastating. only having the T as support allowed me to get through that trauma.
Lee
the best thing that came out of it was that he referred me to his T - which was a great help. When i spilled my guts to the T, there was a feeling of gut-wrenching exhaustion, followed by giddy euphoria - followed quickly by a let-down with numbness and sadness.
the biggest take-away i got from both the friend and the T was that i was not immediately scorned and rejected - but accepted and respected with empathy and compassion.
but it did not end well with my "friend." he used the confidences i had entrusted to him to undermine me and he ultimately betrayed me. it was devastating. only having the T as support allowed me to get through that trauma.
Lee
Last edited by a moderator:
Congratulations--you demonstrated courage and let your fear of disclosure go. How one feels after will be different for all of us. For me I told a stranger who had come to comfort me as I was drinking tea in a McDonald's. I was a basked case but her smile and kind words put me at ease. She understood abuse. The next time I accidental posted to a website on facebook, I thought it was a private site which it was not. It was blasted on my timeline. I only realized after the first message came through, kindness and compassion. I then realized my mistake. I did not look at my messages for several days, fearing negative or critical comments. To my amazement there were none. I guess after this I was not ashamed of the abuse, others around me were ashamed and did all in their power to deny or persuade others it was not true. I began to only care about people who supported me. Since my facebook mishap there has been no looking back. Friends have stuck by me and gave me support.
I believe over time the fear will wane for you and you will realize the only important people in the world to you are those who stand by you, show you understanding. You let the meaningless words of those who deny your abuse or put it as something to get over it to have little value to you. You learn it is their issue and not yours.
I continued to talk about the abuse with my T and in support groups. In support the facilitator told me after a year and half my mannerisms, my voice and facial expressions were no longer showing pain when I spoke of the abuse. It takes time and the more you speak of the abuse you begin to realize the abuse does not have to control you.
You may feel numb because you took a major step in healing. Your friends concern should be a message people are there for you. You have taken a brave step and you should be proud of yourself.
Thank you for sharing.
Kevin
I believe over time the fear will wane for you and you will realize the only important people in the world to you are those who stand by you, show you understanding. You let the meaningless words of those who deny your abuse or put it as something to get over it to have little value to you. You learn it is their issue and not yours.
I continued to talk about the abuse with my T and in support groups. In support the facilitator told me after a year and half my mannerisms, my voice and facial expressions were no longer showing pain when I spoke of the abuse. It takes time and the more you speak of the abuse you begin to realize the abuse does not have to control you.
You may feel numb because you took a major step in healing. Your friends concern should be a message people are there for you. You have taken a brave step and you should be proud of yourself.
Thank you for sharing.
Kevin
When I told my sister, I was more numb then relieved. I knew it was an accomplishment, but I didn't really feel anything. I even stopped therapy a few weeks later. I had nothing to say. I wasn't numb, I just needed time and space to process.
I recently returned to the same therapist and resumed pretty much exactly where we left off, but I am ready to go further now.
Good luck and stay strong.
I recently returned to the same therapist and resumed pretty much exactly where we left off, but I am ready to go further now.
Good luck and stay strong.
I had always assumed I would take "my secret" to the grave. So it wasn't exactly proactive on my part.
My son was working on my computer and casually asked what all the MS stuff was about. So I briefly, no details, told him that after all these years, I had acknowledged my abuse and it seemed to be bothering me more the last couple of years than fifty years ago.
As you said, it seemed more like reading a car manual. But his response was very, very positive and pretty emotional. Nothing like what I would have expected, so then we were both pretty emotional.
@ChaseEric - Thanks for the great Dr. Seuss quote. Another of his quotes that is so meaningful to me:
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.
My son was working on my computer and casually asked what all the MS stuff was about. So I briefly, no details, told him that after all these years, I had acknowledged my abuse and it seemed to be bothering me more the last couple of years than fifty years ago.
As you said, it seemed more like reading a car manual. But his response was very, very positive and pretty emotional. Nothing like what I would have expected, so then we were both pretty emotional.
@ChaseEric - Thanks for the great Dr. Seuss quote. Another of his quotes that is so meaningful to me:
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own, and you know what you know. And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.
Will, your post captures both the pain and the beauty of this forum all at once.
Disclosure was never an issue for me because I never understood the implications of what happened. Right from the word go I shared with friends that a stranger was visiting me at night. As the story developed I shared that too. The high point was being driven home by the police from school after my perp was arrested. I was an 11-year old boy with a story to tell involving police, midnight intruders, shot guns, etc. My problem was understanding what it all meant and then accepting that - that took thirty more years.
Really appreciate the chance to share
Disclosure was never an issue for me because I never understood the implications of what happened. Right from the word go I shared with friends that a stranger was visiting me at night. As the story developed I shared that too. The high point was being driven home by the police from school after my perp was arrested. I was an 11-year old boy with a story to tell involving police, midnight intruders, shot guns, etc. My problem was understanding what it all meant and then accepting that - that took thirty more years.
Really appreciate the chance to share
Last edited by a moderator:
I told my wife first, after my T. She was respectful and asked a few questions, but has made it clear that she is there if I need her. That is our relationship, quiet but supportive. The harder one was my best friend. As it happened he was going through some issues at the same time and I recommended my T, which has turned out great for him. His is a Navy chaplain, so he had the reaction nailed. Sorry, but respectful of my space, and a good listener. I find that I am very matter of fact when discussing the abuse, I guess it is a defense mechanism. So I don't invite pity I guess. I could not bare that. I do envy those of you who can emote when you need to!
Iaccus, it's great that your friend reacted so well. I hope you feel more positive about it now?
I've told a few people. First I told my then girlfriend - at a time when the abuse was on going. She freaked out and told her dad and then the whole thing spiralled out of my control.
Later I talked to someone from rape crisis about a different thing, which was over by that time. They told me that because of my age (at the time), if they had any identifying details about me they would have to report it. So that wasn't a great experience. Actually that was the first time I ever talked about this thing to anyone. As soon as I said it I felt like it was a mistake. I always have this feeling, that when you say something you can't get it back again and I find that really scary.
I told one friend I had a few years ago. He got mad with me for my lack of detail and told me not to bother if I wasn't going to talk about it properly. We are not friends any more.
Told another friend. He asked me why I didn't scream. That was a massive kick in the guts. But I kind of forgive him for that. I think people's ideas of what abuse is are very different to the reality.
I did talk to my ex-girlfriend a couple of times about things in more detail - this was a couple of years after the her telling her dad thing. Each time I felt a lot better afterwards. Maybe not relieved exactly, but understood, or something like that.
I haven't really told many other people and I can't imagine there being anyone else I'd want to tell. I haven't even written much about what happened to me on here and I'm not sure I will.
It's funny because I feel like my experiences telling people have been fairly positive, but writing this out it seems like they are mostly negative. Maybe just the positives ones outweighed the negatives.
I've told a few people. First I told my then girlfriend - at a time when the abuse was on going. She freaked out and told her dad and then the whole thing spiralled out of my control.
Later I talked to someone from rape crisis about a different thing, which was over by that time. They told me that because of my age (at the time), if they had any identifying details about me they would have to report it. So that wasn't a great experience. Actually that was the first time I ever talked about this thing to anyone. As soon as I said it I felt like it was a mistake. I always have this feeling, that when you say something you can't get it back again and I find that really scary.
I told one friend I had a few years ago. He got mad with me for my lack of detail and told me not to bother if I wasn't going to talk about it properly. We are not friends any more.
Told another friend. He asked me why I didn't scream. That was a massive kick in the guts. But I kind of forgive him for that. I think people's ideas of what abuse is are very different to the reality.
I did talk to my ex-girlfriend a couple of times about things in more detail - this was a couple of years after the her telling her dad thing. Each time I felt a lot better afterwards. Maybe not relieved exactly, but understood, or something like that.
I haven't really told many other people and I can't imagine there being anyone else I'd want to tell. I haven't even written much about what happened to me on here and I'm not sure I will.
It's funny because I feel like my experiences telling people have been fairly positive, but writing this out it seems like they are mostly negative. Maybe just the positives ones outweighed the negatives.
Iaccus,
I hope I have that courage one day. I has been hard enough just sharing some things here. I do find what I read here to be helpful like your posting. I still have so much I want to ask but still afraid and ashamed to.
I know I should not feel the shame but I do. One day I hope it leaves me so I can move forward. I wonder if I will ever have that life of a person who does not deal with depression, being in meds and can reconnect with those I have blocked in my life.
Again thanks for posting.
I hope I have that courage one day. I has been hard enough just sharing some things here. I do find what I read here to be helpful like your posting. I still have so much I want to ask but still afraid and ashamed to.
I know I should not feel the shame but I do. One day I hope it leaves me so I can move forward. I wonder if I will ever have that life of a person who does not deal with depression, being in meds and can reconnect with those I have blocked in my life.
Again thanks for posting.
