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- Thread starterDuckie
- Start date
Iaccus
Dissociation is quite disturbing. For me it became a way of life as the memories and past took over. I had a few episodes during therapy--the therapist could spot the signs, at home the signs were not noticed and many times I must have retreated to a dark place away from everyone. So many gaps in my life. As I continued to unravel I would wander far away and not know how or what had happened and these would last for a day or more. Other times I would dissociate for short periods of time and find things I did not remember doing and finding myself driving or in places I have no idea why I went there.
I gather from the doctors dissociation comes along for some with PTSD. I found it interesting that many of your episodes occurred while at home with the family. Many of mine began there and ended elsewhere. As you deepen into dissociation there appears to be no quick way to bring you back. For me I was hospitalized and after hours I supposedly came back. I learned my response to light was slow when the flashlight was shined into my eye during the dissociative period. Lower response rate to external stimuli. Some have said I came back when I felt safe, away from the stimuli that brought back memories, emotions and the sensations of the abuse. I will be honest it was a terrible time.
It took months and months to accept I would never regain the memories of what happened during those times. But I had gaps throughout life, but never so severe as they were over the recent many years. I have found since I have come to terms with the abuse, accepted it was not my fault removing the guilt and shame I carried for decades, learning and understanding my triggers and having people who were supportive and sensitive to dissociation around me, the dissociative episodes have help to keep me here in the present. I now can sense when I am beginning to feel fear of the abuse and quickly find something to distract my mind. It is learning to cope differently. If I can do it, you will be able to. Your therapist will be able to help you find a more healthy coping mechanism.
I hope this helps.
Kevin
Dissociation is quite disturbing. For me it became a way of life as the memories and past took over. I had a few episodes during therapy--the therapist could spot the signs, at home the signs were not noticed and many times I must have retreated to a dark place away from everyone. So many gaps in my life. As I continued to unravel I would wander far away and not know how or what had happened and these would last for a day or more. Other times I would dissociate for short periods of time and find things I did not remember doing and finding myself driving or in places I have no idea why I went there.
I gather from the doctors dissociation comes along for some with PTSD. I found it interesting that many of your episodes occurred while at home with the family. Many of mine began there and ended elsewhere. As you deepen into dissociation there appears to be no quick way to bring you back. For me I was hospitalized and after hours I supposedly came back. I learned my response to light was slow when the flashlight was shined into my eye during the dissociative period. Lower response rate to external stimuli. Some have said I came back when I felt safe, away from the stimuli that brought back memories, emotions and the sensations of the abuse. I will be honest it was a terrible time.
It took months and months to accept I would never regain the memories of what happened during those times. But I had gaps throughout life, but never so severe as they were over the recent many years. I have found since I have come to terms with the abuse, accepted it was not my fault removing the guilt and shame I carried for decades, learning and understanding my triggers and having people who were supportive and sensitive to dissociation around me, the dissociative episodes have help to keep me here in the present. I now can sense when I am beginning to feel fear of the abuse and quickly find something to distract my mind. It is learning to cope differently. If I can do it, you will be able to. Your therapist will be able to help you find a more healthy coping mechanism.
I hope this helps.
Kevin
I will start to write or force myself to think of something positive or begin to recite affirmations (sometimes silently if in a somewhat public place) and other times I breath deeply. Over time as I have let go of the control of the memories and more importantly knowing most of my triggers (I know I can never escape them 100% of the time)has been helpful. Remember what works for one, may not work for others. I have met survivors with the same issue who find putting on headphones and listening to music, others have breathing techniques, other do yoga. We all have our own little tricks, our new coping mechanisms.
In your family, are there stresses or things that cause emotional stress. These can be triggers, they were for me. Sometimes it is simple words, phrases, tone of the voice. You need to reflect back. One thing I was always able to remember before dissociating was what was happening around me then the blank and then the return. Think about the before and this may help you to identify your triggers.
It takes time and remember when you do dissociate you are trying to cope, survive and what happens may reflect a part of you that you have buried or denied. My T and doctors believed that is what happened to me.
I hope this helps and if I can help please let me know. You can PM or post here.
Best wishes
Kevin
In your family, are there stresses or things that cause emotional stress. These can be triggers, they were for me. Sometimes it is simple words, phrases, tone of the voice. You need to reflect back. One thing I was always able to remember before dissociating was what was happening around me then the blank and then the return. Think about the before and this may help you to identify your triggers.
It takes time and remember when you do dissociate you are trying to cope, survive and what happens may reflect a part of you that you have buried or denied. My T and doctors believed that is what happened to me.
I hope this helps and if I can help please let me know. You can PM or post here.
Best wishes
Kevin
Some good suggestions so far. Also found that dissociation responds well to therapy. There were some rather extended dream-like times during one part of my journey around it, but the only way out was through at some points, not "snapping out of it" as it were.
Many years late, life is much better now. I don't have much understanding of "delusional disorder," but maybe that's the diagnosis du jour these days.
Zoning out was a coping mechanism from way back. When active in therapy, even with the occasional dissociation at the time, still felt much more present than I was beforehand on a regular basis thereafter.
Sometimes, I would have welcomed the escape as I was going through the painful feelings involved at times, but that gets into secondary coping mechanisms that weren't always healthy, so I'll leave it at that.
Many years late, life is much better now. I don't have much understanding of "delusional disorder," but maybe that's the diagnosis du jour these days.
Zoning out was a coping mechanism from way back. When active in therapy, even with the occasional dissociation at the time, still felt much more present than I was beforehand on a regular basis thereafter.
Sometimes, I would have welcomed the escape as I was going through the painful feelings involved at times, but that gets into secondary coping mechanisms that weren't always healthy, so I'll leave it at that.
KCinOhio I agree therapy is extremely helpful in getting dissociation under control. I remember spacing out so many times and people would startle me.
Your comment "Sometimes, I would have welcomed the escape as I was going through the painful feelings...." made me cringed. I would have like to have avoided such dissociation because it compounded the pain of the memories as I returned to face them and then so much unknown as to what life was like when I dissociated. The lack of memory is terrifying at least for me. And what may have happened during those times was more disturbing to me--because I could not answer nor for I ever know for certainty.
I agree, our coping mechanisms were mostly unhealthy and did not provide long term relief from the pain of the abuse.
Your comment "Sometimes, I would have welcomed the escape as I was going through the painful feelings...." made me cringed. I would have like to have avoided such dissociation because it compounded the pain of the memories as I returned to face them and then so much unknown as to what life was like when I dissociated. The lack of memory is terrifying at least for me. And what may have happened during those times was more disturbing to me--because I could not answer nor for I ever know for certainty.
I agree, our coping mechanisms were mostly unhealthy and did not provide long term relief from the pain of the abuse.
