I think I’ve gotten to the end. After some research I realised that I must be a deist. After all the disappointments and struggles, I’ve found peace with the idea that god is not here.

I remember once, when one of nephews was young, say 5 or 6, me and his mother were sitting with him while he waited for his father to arrive, (they were separated). After a few hours, it was evident that he wasn’t coming and we decided to gently tell him this was the case. He insisted on waiting but we could see in his face that his heart was breaking.

And this is how I see myself now, a grown man at the age of 50, having dealt with and carried around the experience of abuse for 45 years, I’m now realising that there is no father coming. That’s it. No expectations, I’ve freed myself from the hope that my call will be answered soon.


Hugs ((((Silentwar))))

That's a tough realization to swallow. A loving protective god from religion is a foundational piece of many raised in Christianity.

I've been unwinding/dsicarding some overly hopeful thinking in this area, replacing it was "No one is going to say you, except you." But you're worth it, save yourself. I'm trying hard everyday to save myself.

I once missed a 7am pickup of my kid when I was very ill. My kid was 6, and didn't understand, and my ex didn't help much except to complain about me while driving kiddo to school. It broke my heart to know I let her down. Your story of your nephew reminded me.

Thanks for sharing this.