Definitive Answer?
Definitive Answer?
- Thread starterLoneWolfX
- Start date
I would say that it absolutely was abuse.
I was also manipulated into thinking that it was my choice, that I was a willing participant, and, due to the religious context, that it was somehow a good thing to do, spiritually (I don't want to get into what was said exactly, as this is still something I'm working on and very triggering/upsetting for me).
But given my experience, and the difficulty that I had, and still have, with wrapping my head around the manipulation component -- I agree with you. It was not mutual, it was not your choice.
I was also manipulated into thinking that it was my choice, that I was a willing participant, and, due to the religious context, that it was somehow a good thing to do, spiritually (I don't want to get into what was said exactly, as this is still something I'm working on and very triggering/upsetting for me).
But given my experience, and the difficulty that I had, and still have, with wrapping my head around the manipulation component -- I agree with you. It was not mutual, it was not your choice.
Yes, still abuse...I was told it would help me to grow up(be a big boy). The youngest of 5...I desperately wanted to do what my other siblings were doing.
"He was right"...I eventually was able to get my own erection, grow pubic hair and ejaculate...I was growing up!
Later, he told me that I made him do it. "See what you made me do"? I naturally thought that he was still right.
This was my mind set for so long.
Just because someone tells/asks or teaches you something doesn't mean that they are right and you are wrong. Inexperienced may be a better way to look at it. It certainly doesn't mean that they are smarter and you are dumber. If it's wrong...it is wrong.
much love
Greg
"He was right"...I eventually was able to get my own erection, grow pubic hair and ejaculate...I was growing up!
Later, he told me that I made him do it. "See what you made me do"? I naturally thought that he was still right.
This was my mind set for so long.
Just because someone tells/asks or teaches you something doesn't mean that they are right and you are wrong. Inexperienced may be a better way to look at it. It certainly doesn't mean that they are smarter and you are dumber. If it's wrong...it is wrong.
much love
Greg
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Chris4TheMill
Registrant
Anytime someone has to:
- Use force
- Use manipulation
- Has to find ways to justify their actions because they doubt their own position,
...then deep down they know that what they are doing is abusive to the other person. It doesn't matter how old they are.
- Chris
- Use force
- Use manipulation
- Has to find ways to justify their actions because they doubt their own position,
...then deep down they know that what they are doing is abusive to the other person. It doesn't matter how old they are.
- Chris
LoneWolfX,
But to the question, I agree with the others, it was abuse. You didn't want it and he used force. Those facts provide the definitive answer you are looking for.
I'm wondering how you would feel if you truly believed you were abused. I'm thinking the questioning and doubt give you a place to hide, a way to deny it. (I know it did for me)
Sounds like he was trying to convince someone (himself? You?) that it was alright.
But to the question, I agree with the others, it was abuse. You didn't want it and he used force. Those facts provide the definitive answer you are looking for.
I'm wondering how you would feel if you truly believed you were abused. I'm thinking the questioning and doubt give you a place to hide, a way to deny it. (I know it did for me)
Dear LoneWolfX.
So what the question is, was your mother wrong, was your friend manipulation of you, were you hurt, were you violated, should it be normal to be sexually active with someone who has to hurt you to get you to comply.
Maybe I don't have an understanding of why you have a question, was he acting to get reassurance and therefore had no wrong. He hit you, he hurt you, does that sound like it is not wrong.
When I disclosed to my mother that i had been sexually assaulted, she asked if I liked being penetrated, I said no it hurt, she said then you are O K. Which was her way of saying I was O K because I was not gay.
That did not make me consider was it abuse? (which I did not understand at the time because my mother did not know because she did not want to know). It was clear to me this was another
example of my mother betraying me and denegrating my right to have my body protected. Obviosly my mother like yours had no sense of responsibility to protect you or care for your body being violated.
Think if your mother was assaulted by a man about her age at work. And then asked for sex. Would that be simply experimentation, or felony sexual assault? Maybe I look at it differently so I can't understand what you are looking for, an excuse for the betrayal by your mother? A justification for being abused is normal?
My older brother molested my younger brother and me,, and thought his behavior was normal. Of course my brother is borderline (borderline personality disorder) and has the empathy of a dead gnat.
I hope my comments are helpful.
So what the question is, was your mother wrong, was your friend manipulation of you, were you hurt, were you violated, should it be normal to be sexually active with someone who has to hurt you to get you to comply.
Maybe I don't have an understanding of why you have a question, was he acting to get reassurance and therefore had no wrong. He hit you, he hurt you, does that sound like it is not wrong.
When I disclosed to my mother that i had been sexually assaulted, she asked if I liked being penetrated, I said no it hurt, she said then you are O K. Which was her way of saying I was O K because I was not gay.
That did not make me consider was it abuse? (which I did not understand at the time because my mother did not know because she did not want to know). It was clear to me this was another
example of my mother betraying me and denegrating my right to have my body protected. Obviosly my mother like yours had no sense of responsibility to protect you or care for your body being violated.
Think if your mother was assaulted by a man about her age at work. And then asked for sex. Would that be simply experimentation, or felony sexual assault? Maybe I look at it differently so I can't understand what you are looking for, an excuse for the betrayal by your mother? A justification for being abused is normal?
My older brother molested my younger brother and me,, and thought his behavior was normal. Of course my brother is borderline (borderline personality disorder) and has the empathy of a dead gnat.
I hope my comments are helpful.
I am struggling with the same question myself regarding my expience with my older neighbors who were like my brothers. Our parents knew but allowed it to continue so I felt it was ok. To me I thought I felt more older or lucky but then there were times I did not to do things but was pressured sort of forced. I did not want them to not like me but then there were times I said it hurt but that did not matter.
So with my parents not making an issue of it me wanting to be”cool” I have always thought I was wrong. I am just now trying to deal with this along with other issues. I know what happened was wrong yet I still find myself thinking I am making a big deal over things like I am trying to rationalize it.
So with my parents not making an issue of it me wanting to be”cool” I have always thought I was wrong. I am just now trying to deal with this along with other issues. I know what happened was wrong yet I still find myself thinking I am making a big deal over things like I am trying to rationalize it.
