Defining Your Sexual Abuse

[godsrabbit]

bless you howard and bob...

and thank you, all of you for your patience..i will try very hard to not take so much of this so personally...i am feeling so vulnerable, but you are helping me to learn to deal with these kinds of responses, which is what i need perhaps...

and i am sorry to always be saying i am sorry (see, i cannot stop)...!...ha

bob, thank you for your pm...i will respond, but i wanted to say here that i appreciate your support, it has been immensely helpful...i was upset because yes, i just made a silly assumption that you and i would share a worldview (which we probably do), but that does not mean either one of us is not fully human and prone to respond from the sensitive places in our hearts...particularly on topics so close to painful wounds...

to try to take this back on topic, i think the most difficult part of defining abuse for me is that i get discouraged at knowing however one defines it, it is a part of you for life...and that sometimes, no matter how much therapy or love or spirituality or whatever you have done to try to heal the core of your being, you cannot hammer all the dents out of your anima...however much i remind myself that i am NOT damaged goods, i also know that, like a truck engine, once you wreck the vehicle, it never really quite runs the same...

so there is defining the abuse and then there is redefining oneself in the aftermath of the abuse...we do not have to live lives defined by the hurt and the grief we feel, but it will somehow always be part of the definition...

i for one want to make sure that it is not always the first definition: hi i am rabbit and i am a survivor of sexual abuse...

i would much rather be: hi i am rabbit and i really like pie...

i know i disagree with many of you very strongly about this and i do not denigrate the advocacy work that you do...i think it is a very powerful and positive thing...but i do not believe that everyone is called to it just because they are survivors...no more than every woman is called to be a feminist or every gay man is called to march in a pride parade or pick your cause...i am not a victim who needs to draw attention to me...i have had enough shame and humiliation in my life...and there are a hundred ways to be an advocate without draping yourself in a banner...

for me, dignity is found in humility and in acceptance and in dedication to righting the wrong in whatever manner you are called to, never in anger...not even that which is righteous...and never in the agendas of others....

(i have gone way off topic...have a head full of words and cannot seem to focus...and i am trying very hard not to apologize...)...ha....

 

[Leosha]

I try to answer this one.

The adult sexually touching the child-----This happens of course very much with my coach. It is actual, I realize that he touch us all in that
way. He would touch us in private areas, tell us he is making sure our clothes fit right, not too tight to perform at our sport. But he would
linger his hands on us in those areas. Then for me, and for others I am sure, it goes past that into much more serious things.

Having the child touch the adult sexually------This is how he start to take it beyond just him touching me wrong. He would make me to touch him,
and then go more to do other things for him in sexual way. This one worries me, I think there is more of this one, and the one above, with another
person also. Have to talk more at my friend who brings it up at me. Do not want to say more of this now

Photographing the child for sexual purposes-----He does not do this in sexual way. But I see him sometimes, he will watch video of our practice
work, and watch it in his office as he does his self-pleasure.

Sexualized talk-----I do not know that this happens from him. He speaks always most vulgar, but I do not know that he does what this includes.

Showing the child pornographic materials or making them available to the child-----No, I do not think this happens with him

Making fun of or ridiculing the child's sexual development, pereferences, or organs-----This, this happen much. He was watch us shower, and change clothes, no one liked that very well. He will watch us close with this, and sometimes he make comment about other people's body parts. And he always call me "queer" and "faggot". He say that at some other people too.

The adult exposing his or her genitals to the child for sexual gratification-----Yes, of course this must happen with him, he does much more than this

Masturbating or otherwise being sexual in front of the child-----Yes, this happens some, but not often, he do more than this at me

Voyeurism-----I do not know what this is

Forcing overly rigid rules on dress or overly revealing dress-----No, I do not think of this that he does. But as I say, he does touch us and he choose what we wear to compete

Stripping to hit or spank, or getting sexual excitement out of hitting-----Who is it that has clothes off? This means that the adult takes
clothes off to hit or spank the child? Or that the child has pants down for spanking? My father, he will do that sometimes before he leaves us

Verbal and emotional abuse of a sexual nature-----I can not say it all, but yes, this is big part of what he does at me. And it is not of sexual
part, but he always call me fat, ugly also

Having the child be sexual with animals-----No

Engaging the child in prostitution-----Do not wish to speak of this

Witnessing others being sexually abused("Abused Boys" pp 8 & 9)-----No, other than as I say before


I am sorry, this is most I respond at a post, I need to leave now for a while. To think of all this, it makes me stay thinking.