Declaring the lies
roadrunner
Registrant
I originally posted this as an item in the "All lies" thread, but looking again I can see it really doesn't belong there. Others might have thoughts on what I am saying here, and the "All lies" thread really does work best as a place set apart for guys to post lists of the lies they were told. I must also admit that what I was doing was "burying" my post there, reacting to some confidence and trust issues that have been tearing me up over the past few days. So in a way this is me trying to face those issues.
Anyway. This is mainly for all the new people I see posting the lies they were told. It's great to see you doing this. When I did so awhile back I felt so....hmmmm, what was it? It was an emotional task to write them down and see them on the screen: as I looked at them I couldn't believe how many they were or understand why I had ever believed them. I trembled as my finger hovered over the "add reply" icon, then I hit it. It took me awhile to realize it and even longer to figure it out, but I had just done something very important.
I know I felt better, but I still thought to myself: why the drama? My explanation (it works for me I guess) is that declaring the lies is a way of regaining control and asserting ourselves.
It is a way of actually saying in a real way: "None of this was my fault". Many of us "know" it wasn't our fault, but we still have trouble believing it. Writing down the lies and posting them is a step toward actually believing we were not to blame. We have summoned up enough faith in ourselves to declare this in an open forum that can be read by anyone in the world. That faith may be very tentative and of course we declare our lies from a protected position of anonymity. But there it is, a real step, something we can go back to and something that is still there to see days and weeks later.
Declaring the lies is also a way of disclosing, perhaps indirectly. We identify perpetrators (uncle, father, neighbor, whoever), we hint at what we endured, and we state our issues. That too is empowering, I think. When we declare the lies we are telling the abusers who kept us quiet: "No more. I will not remain silent about this."
It is also a way of asking for help. When I first came here I would never have imagined I could do that. I thought I was alone and I felt guilty and worthless. Posting the lies my perp told me was a way of negotiating with the rest of you: can I have your support and help? am I safe from scorn here now that I have hinted at all the degrading and shameful things I was obliged to do?
Finally, declaring the lies is a way of asserting our own precious innocence as young boys and insisting on exposing abuse for what it is: a sick heartless violation of a child's trust and defenseless position. It was wrong beyond imagination. None of us deserved this, and there is no way any of this could be our responsibility. When I was 15 and already a year past my last episode of abuse, I genuinely felt now things were worse. I was alone with no one to talk to and burdened with such shame and feelings of worthlessness I wondered why should any kid wish to live like this. But now I have seen things the way they were, and the way they still are. All lies. Not my fault. I did nothing wrong.
In order to recover we need more than support from caring friends, more than a skilled T. We need to believe in ourselves. No amount of therapy or caring support can help us unless we trust ourselves to take the necessary steps, however difficult, however painful, and however complicated and threatening things get.
When things get tough, though, perhaps we should look back to that thread. All lies. Declaring them sets us free. We are on our way. Let us not lose the tremendously empowering possibilities of that moment.
Love to all,
Larry
Anyway. This is mainly for all the new people I see posting the lies they were told. It's great to see you doing this. When I did so awhile back I felt so....hmmmm, what was it? It was an emotional task to write them down and see them on the screen: as I looked at them I couldn't believe how many they were or understand why I had ever believed them. I trembled as my finger hovered over the "add reply" icon, then I hit it. It took me awhile to realize it and even longer to figure it out, but I had just done something very important.
I know I felt better, but I still thought to myself: why the drama? My explanation (it works for me I guess) is that declaring the lies is a way of regaining control and asserting ourselves.
It is a way of actually saying in a real way: "None of this was my fault". Many of us "know" it wasn't our fault, but we still have trouble believing it. Writing down the lies and posting them is a step toward actually believing we were not to blame. We have summoned up enough faith in ourselves to declare this in an open forum that can be read by anyone in the world. That faith may be very tentative and of course we declare our lies from a protected position of anonymity. But there it is, a real step, something we can go back to and something that is still there to see days and weeks later.
Declaring the lies is also a way of disclosing, perhaps indirectly. We identify perpetrators (uncle, father, neighbor, whoever), we hint at what we endured, and we state our issues. That too is empowering, I think. When we declare the lies we are telling the abusers who kept us quiet: "No more. I will not remain silent about this."
It is also a way of asking for help. When I first came here I would never have imagined I could do that. I thought I was alone and I felt guilty and worthless. Posting the lies my perp told me was a way of negotiating with the rest of you: can I have your support and help? am I safe from scorn here now that I have hinted at all the degrading and shameful things I was obliged to do?
Finally, declaring the lies is a way of asserting our own precious innocence as young boys and insisting on exposing abuse for what it is: a sick heartless violation of a child's trust and defenseless position. It was wrong beyond imagination. None of us deserved this, and there is no way any of this could be our responsibility. When I was 15 and already a year past my last episode of abuse, I genuinely felt now things were worse. I was alone with no one to talk to and burdened with such shame and feelings of worthlessness I wondered why should any kid wish to live like this. But now I have seen things the way they were, and the way they still are. All lies. Not my fault. I did nothing wrong.
In order to recover we need more than support from caring friends, more than a skilled T. We need to believe in ourselves. No amount of therapy or caring support can help us unless we trust ourselves to take the necessary steps, however difficult, however painful, and however complicated and threatening things get.
When things get tough, though, perhaps we should look back to that thread. All lies. Declaring them sets us free. We are on our way. Let us not lose the tremendously empowering possibilities of that moment.
Love to all,
Larry
