Decisions on forgiveness

Decisions on forgiveness
A

ak

Registrant
I want to say, I am not saying there is anything 'right' or 'wrong' to do, with forgiveness. It is a persons own deciding what is best for them. I do not mean to say I am telling what should be done.

I am in position to see one of my abusers in this next week. I had four different abusers, but one person, he was 'main' person, who give me over to the others. This is person I have seen some times in this last year, and will see again this week.

For reasons, my own, I have been thinking for some time of just going to this person, face him, and say I forgive him, for what he done to me. Not like 'legal' forgiveness. I have made report on him (but it seems it have disappeared), and I would still support that. And I can not speak for no one other then me, because I know he have hurt others to. But for me, from me, to say that to him, I have been thinking on it for some time, and I have decided I must do it. I must do it for me.

It is selfish. It is not that I am 'forgiving' him so much as I am making myself feel more impowered and taking some control he still have on me away. It is for me to feel better of myself, not really of him. But to not fear him so much. To take him down from seeming as 'monster' to me, and seeing he is just really a man.

But also. Maybe it is something for him. Something to make him think maybe. Something to move him some maybe. I do not know, I have no control of him, his feelings, his emotions. (Soon he will not have control of mine neither). But I see it like this. I have something, a gift, I can give to him. No one else can give this. This is from me to him, and it is my choice, to decide yes, or no, to give it. Neither choice is right or wrong in eyes of anyone else. There is just one choice that is right for ME. No one else can do this for him, from me. Only me. How can I choose NOT to? How can I be happy with myself, as a person, and satisfied with who I am and my character, if I choose to withold that?

I think maybe I am not speaking this right, because I do not mean to say that if another person chooses NOT to forgive their abuser, they are wrong. There is not wrong, or right, but what is right and best for each of us, within us. This is it for me. This is what I need. And maybe something he need to.

I am sorry if this is confusing. I think I am still thinking things in my head strangely, but I am getting better with it.

Andrei
 
Androsh,

I just read your email to me and now this post. Buddy, you have me on the verge of tears. I know that I may have said things to try to discourage you from even talking to this man. I just want you to be safe, and the way to be safe, in my mind, is to stay away from this monster. I was worried that he would say something terrible to you when you told him that you forgave him for the things he did to you. I didn't want this man to hurt you again in any way.


"There is not wrong, or right, but what is right and best for each of us, within us. This is it for me. This is what I need."


I read this statement and I now realize and accept this, not that you EVER need mine or anyone else's approval. You MUST do what is right for YOU. I am not to that point, but I have to see and accept that you are. You are doing this for you, and Androsh, we ourselves can only know what we need in this life.

Do this for you. I'm proud of you, karova. I'm sorry I didn't understand why this was so important for you. I do now. Just do me a favor, make sure Visha is there with you, and ask him to growl at least once for me.

Ya teybya lyublyu, mvoi druk.
 
Andrei, there is a remarkable spiritualism about you. You've obviously thought this through very thoroughly and decided that you are not going to allow anger to poison your life. The more I read your postings and get a glimpse of your life and values, the more I am in awe of you Andrei. But ... I do caution, be careful. I know you are gaining strength, but your perp is an evil man and I wouldn't expect anything good from him. Good luck at the competition. Peace, Andrew
 
Forgiveness is part of the essence of healing. But to be effective as a healing tool, forgiveness must be preformed open eyed, fully informed, and in preparation for future action. Forgiveness is a step in the process, not the end or goal.

It is a huge thing, to let go of anger or hate. Yet it is not the end of growing. You do this exercise properly and you will still be required to make practical judgments. It isnt all light and flowers. Hard, harsh decisions have to be made almost every day. And forgiveness is part of that equation.

Aden
 
I wish you the best with your decision.

I'm just curious. Did he ask for your forgiveness? Or is this a proactive approach, a way of letting go whether he knows/cares or not?
 
Andrei - at the very least I support you in your ability to confront this 'person'.

As you state it is your decision and no one elses regarding whether you forgive him or not.

I am currently progressing towards a court case against my abuser & have a range of feelings against him. I cannot forgive him, because he still denies what he did and intends to make me repeat the abuse process again by not admitting what he did. If he finally became a man and admitted what he had done, preventing my appearance against him in court, then maybe I could then start to show some forgiveness towards him.

What is more important now is that I have really started to forgive myself - I am the important one, as are you Andrei. Do what is best for you and don't let anyone tell you different.

Respect and strength to you on your path .... Rik
 
I just wanted to clear up some.

No, he has not asked forgiveness. That would require his own self examining and determining he done wrong. I do no say he has not done that, but I do not think so.

The importent thing, the thing that I am most happy with, is that I have no expectations from him. I have only expectations from myself, because it is only my behavior and reactions I am in control of. I full expect him to say nothing, or to laugh, or to say something rude, or call me a liar. That is fine. He will do what he need to do. The importent thing is, for once in my dealings with him, I will also be doing what I need to do.

Thank you all for advice and support. He will not even be here for two more days, and I am not sure when I will be doing this. But I will post what results of it.

Andrei
 
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