Death and Closings

Death and Closings
B

Bruce Blank

New Registrant
Aloha, everyone.

I have only recently discovered this marvelous site and the even more remarkable people that discuss, debate, share and support each other - what a blessing!

I have also just logged into this forum and intend to make full use of this as a part of my commitment to healing and recovery.

I am an incest survivor by my father. The abuse was from age 9 or 10 till age 15. My father since that time was arrested and convicted as a sexual offender. He molested several boys in the neighborhood and I have no idea how many total. I confronted him upon learning of his arrest over 15 years ago. He only appologized with a therapist and family members present. He has not spoken to me of the abuse since. I tried to forgive him and went on with my life.

The awful side effects, however, remained. It included fantasy projection, denial, lying...a lot of unfinished work. So, after severly damaging my relationship of 8 years, I am back at work on the issues. I was actually making headway confronting my mother about her complacancy in the family disfunctions when I got a call a few days ago (March 8, 2002) from my sister informing me that my father has a brain cancer, a tumor, and that more then likely he will be dead within the year. The doctors want to operate immediatly, but admitting it will only give him some time.

I shared this in the chat room a few days ago, and several members suggested that I may want to take this time to clear up some unfinished business before he is gone. My partner also suggested likewise.

I am uncertain of what, if anything, I could say to this man. He is dying - why is it so hard to get past all the pain and simply suppport him in his last moments? I have already confronted him about the abuse. The fact that he never talked to me about it again hurts me...as if he just wanted to brush it away. I know he is in denial of what harm he has done to me and others.

I am sharing this in the hopes that someone else has had to confront this situation and has some insights to share. Death is the final equilizer and I want to learn all I can from you, my fellow couragous survivors.

Thanks for all the imput and I will help all of you as I can.

God/dess Bless - Rainbow2222/Bruce
 
Well,here goes. Me too the parent/child incest thing. Not my father,my mother. Began in 1958 when I was 12. By 1993 my mother was bedridden,dying of breast cancer. I could've tortured her as she lay helpless. Instead I was her protector,her lion of strength. Point I was making to her was that I was once weak,helpless and she destroyed me. Now the tables are turned. It's me who's strong,she who's weak,helpless. And being kind to the child in all of us young or old is a good thing. So be very,very nice to your father. As I would'nt let what my mother had done to me reach out beyond her grave to affect me still,don't let your father's evil harm you after he's dead. Do everything within your ability to make his last days pleasant. Think of it as a statement of the vast difference twixt you and he. Which it is..
 
Tinfoil;

Thank you for the intellegent and measured responce. Yes, I have a few good things I remember growing up with my father, and it is true that the 'tables are turned'. Perhaps it would be a good thing to remember those times and share them with him.

I was told by my sister that I may as well wait till after the operation to see what, if anything, can be done. I guess I will help out the rest of my family members as I can and go out when everyone (including Dad) thinks it is appropriate.

I will know a lot more in the next 48-72 hours as to what his recovery chances are. I will share with him before he goes in for the operation.

Thanks again for the reply.
Aloha and God/dess Bless - Bruce
 
Bruce,

I wish you well in dealing with this difficult time for you and your family. Remeber that in times of stress that dysfunction will probably be there in all its glory. Even when the ways of dealing with life don't work, we tend to revert to what we know. Make sure during the visit that you have a place to center yourself and gain an inner peace and strength to be who you want to be in this time, not who you are expected to be.

If a support person (your partner?) can be there also, that would probably be a great help. If not do not try to go it alone. Use the phone or whatever you need to take care of yourself. It would be great to be there for your father and family, but you need to take care of yourself as well. You are not less important than they are.

You deserve to be loved and treated well in all circumstances of your life, including the death of your father. His disease does not give anyone the right to harm you.

Ken
 
Hi Bruce,

Booker T Washington said "I will not let another person degrade my soul by making me hate him."

I think of that whenever I feel hatred brimming within me.

You may feel good if you hate your perpetrator. But you will feel far better if you forgive him.

I think you should close that unfinished chapter, and move on.

and love yourself always,
rax.
 
Bruce Life has a way of helping this post is almost 9 years old

I hope whatever you feel toward your father, you feel good about yourself. For really you are important, you are deserving care and love. It is ok to hate what happened, and even though family should not hurt you sometimes they do. I had several family members abuse me, and one father figure. So eventhough he was not my dad he took his place after my dad died.

Bruce hope you are ok after all these years.

Michael Joseph
 
What we measure out to others will be measured back to us. Forgiveness will help you the most. It is so hard to do ...that is why it is so good. You will never regret showing too much love or forgiveness to anyone especially after they are gone.
God bless you, Ted
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top