dear mom

dear mom
T

Trevor

Registrant
Dear mom. U are a skinny ugly fucking crack whore bitch and even tho u let ur fat piece of shit husband and his fat fagot son put there hands on me and fuck me and hurt me in ways That I cant evr talk about. I still love u. u should eat a fucking bullet and just end ur miserable life. All u do by being here is waste fucking good air that othr nice ppl could be breathing. So cuz of u im completely fucked up paranoid and hostile with lots of problems with anger and hurting myself. U should have had an abortion. Ur a nasty fucking bitch and u dont deserve anybody to ever treat u good! I fucking hate u do u hear me u filthy piece of shit gutter slut bitch I FUCKING HATE YOUYOU KEEP UR DIRTY FUCKING HANDS OFF ME U DONT EVER FUCKING TOUCH ME AGAIN ILL FUCKING KILL U I SWEAR ILL KILL U IN URSLEEP U FUCKING WHORE. U let them fuck me mom. Why did u let them fuck me? WHY DID U FUCKING LET THEM FUCK ME?!?!? cuz ur a selfish bitch thats why!!!!!!!!! U left me all lone an I was only little and u left me all alone and I mite act nice to u cuz I think ur a fucked up mess even more then me and u need help but ill nevr forgive u for leaving me alone with them fucking animals
 
Trev,

That's a powerful post bro, and you needed to say every word of it. It's important to know you can speak what you feel. I'm not sure there are answers to the questions you ask, but you sure as hell have the right to ask them and to feel angry about what happened to you.

Much love,
Larry
 
Well done Trevor. Well done. Now print out a copy of that and send it to her via postal mail.

Yes, there is a great level of anger and resentment and bitterness and injustice and disgust and just plain ugliness in that letter, but it needed to be said.

Trev, I strongly suggest that you bring a copy of this to your T as well. By doing that, he/she can help you explore yourself, how you feel, why you feel, and what you think should be done, and what is a realistic goal for you to achieve, etc.

I suggest that you don't threaten to kill her in your copy to her however, ok? Do you REALLY want to hurt anyone Trevor? I didn't think so.
 
ya theres some ppl that i wanna
hurt REALLY
ill bring it to the shrink so he
can treat me like a fucking
science project
 
Trev,

Your T will understand your anger, and in fact if you ask him I think he will agree that it's important that you have safe ways to let this anger out.

On treating you like a science project, he won't do that but I understand why you feel that way. It takes time to learn to trust a T, and until that happens it's natural to wonder what the T is "up to" or what he "wants" or what he will do with the information he has about you.

Want to hear how wild this can get? When I was in my first session with my T I noticed that all the windows were high up on the walls. I started wondering why they had "done that" and asked myself if it was to keep me - personally - from escaping!

I explain this with a cool idea. We all have a "crazymaker" in us that gives us all these ideas. When we get scared or really embarrassed, that turns on the crazymaker.

Hang in there. Believe it or not, you are doing exactly what you need to be doing right now.

Much love,
Larry
 
Well, he's gonna have his work cut out for him, but that's not YOUR fault now, is it?

Do you ever see your step dad and his son anymore?

Trev, talking about this just made me remember a friend that I had for a long time. His name was Ray, we were high school friends and stayed friends long after school. His Mom was almost as bad as yours. She only found abusive men in her life, and one of them was a perp. He made my friend Ray's sisters do stuff around Ray. I don't know if he touched him himself, I don't think so though, (I've only heard of this through mutual friends who were closer to him than I was).

Anyway, my point is that it could be a lot worse for you, believe it or not. Why do I say this? Becauee my friend Ray turned into a perp himself, and even though he got the charges dropped, and convinced many of us that he was innocent, he ended up killing himself. At first, he tried to drink himself to death for some years. But, even with pancreantitis and an enlarged liver and all those early death signs from alcoholism, it was taking too long and he shot himself. He perped a little girl, couldn't forgive himself, hated himself, then killed himself.

You, Trevor, have it bad, but you're not at my friend Ray's level of problems. Why do I say this? Not becuase you haven't turned into a perp yourself, but because you're TRYING TO DEAL WTIH IT instead of running away like I did or my friend Ray did when we were your age.

You are at a HUGE advantage compared to many survivors. Of course it doesn't feel like that right now, but try to view this from a more objective point of view ok? I mean, do you really think you're going to feel this way, this way exactly for the rest of your life? No, you will recover, slowly at first, but you just took another huge step with this letter, you're taking back SOME of that power that was rightfully yours when you were a little boy. And I commend you for it.
 
i wouldnt evr turn into
anything like them. i wouldnt
evr hurt anybody in that way
an if i evr did i would probly
off myself to. i already tried
to kill myself one time but
it didnt work
obviously DUH
ya i hear wat ur saying about it. thx
ya i see them around. why?
 
Call them out, tell the others what they did to you when you were a little boy. USE you anger Trev!!! Channel it into power over your own life! Make them accountable! Are you afraid of them still? Are they a lot bigger than you? I don't know. But, you seem a lot more angy than embarrased about what happened to you, so SHOCK the HELL out of them and expose them!! I don't konw if you're ready to do something like that, but I think it's a great idea.
 
ya there way bigger then
me but fuck that im
not afraid of them
anymore
 
Trev,

There's an old saying about this: "The taller they stand, the harder they fall". ;)

Much love,
Larry
 
Okay, here comes the "when I was your age" spiel. When I was 13 my mother ushered me off to the perp for almost a year of continual abuse while she cavorted with her new beau - 19 years her junior - reliving her youth. At 16, your age or therabouts, I was 3 years past the SA, completely enraged and repressed, living with my mother, and she now had me in therapy, as I seemed a little "troubled". uh, yeah. Ya think? I had never expressed myself, my rage, to her or anyone, about what happened and it was eating me alive.

To be frank, I can't even imagine being as outspoken and bold as you're being now. I couldn't say anything approaching the truth of my feelings. I used to laugh about the perp to my friends as if I was so beyond what had happened to me, while dying inside. The rage building. Towards him, towards my selfish, manipulative, screwed up mother who was sucking me dry knowing I had major things going on and not bothering to inquire for fear it would take my attention off of her and her problems. And I would sit in the shrink's office and smile and nod and not say a damn thing of meaning. 20 YEARS past your 16 is what it took for me to tell my mom to keep the hell out of my life and step into a shrink's office and just spew for two hours to a total stranger who, despite being an expert in these matters of SA, looked completely floored by my uncontrolled explosion. I was now 36, bankrupt, married with a kid, jobless, petrified and had just attempted suicide. Nice. And it still took another two years to tell my brother and eventually my mother, just to unload. Her response: "Well I hope you don't blame me for that." Sweet.

Pat yourself on the back my friend. Yes, the situation you are in is terrible, it's caused major damage. But you are doing what many of us here couldn't at your age, you're EXPRESSING it. This is the secret to recovery, even if you don't realize it yet. You may feel like a piece of crap, like something your mother "should have aborted". In my eyes, you're a fucking hero.


Alex
 
Trev,

Mad: you have every right to be mad and say what you're mad about.

Ashamed: You haven't done a thing to be ashamed about, but if you feel ashamed about some things, let's hear it.

Much love,
Larry
 
thers plenty of stuff that i done
to be ashamd of! ru kidding me? all
kinds of stuff i did in front of
that fat fuck eric an his friends?
a ton of things!
 
Sure. A ton of things you FEEL ashamed about.

And a ton of things that were never your fault.

Much love,
Larry
 
it can not be my fault
an i can still feel
ashamed tho rite?
 
Trev,

That's exactly what happens. NONE of the things that happen to an abused boy are ever his fault, but he can still VERY easily feel ashamed about them.

Why? Sometimes it's because the abuser fed him a line of crap or tricked him into thinking he is to blame. Sometimes it's also because the boy doesn't understand what happened to him; he may think there was something he should have said or done, but he didn't, so somehow it's all his fault. And so on.

So yes, survivors VERY often feel ashamed about what happened, even though it wasn't their fault at all. That's one reason why it's so important to talk. Quite often talking with other survivors helps us to SEE that it wasn't our fault.

Much love,
Larry
 
ok maybe ashamed isnt the rite
word then. maybe embaresed
 
Yes, embarrassment would be an entirely different idea. But there too, try to avoid accepting any blame for what happened. All of the blame belongs to others, and there's no reason at all for you to take on ANY of it.

Much love,
Larry
 
ok well some things i dont
blame myself cuz i wouldnta
done those things unless
they made me but im still
embarrased that i did. evn
tho it wasnt my fault.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top