Dealing with this is hard
I started meeting with a therapist at the vet center for an assault that happened when I was at my MOS school. I was also abused my by brother when I was younger. These two, very similar events, made me a question a lot of things about myself over the years, was I gay, bi, did I deserve to even live? In my time in the military, homosexuality could get you a court martial.
My dear wife found out about my brother 6 years ago and we got through that with me seeing a private therapist at a local church. Things went more or less back to normal until I went to a conference last fall that I had no idea would trigger me, but it did. The vet center closed because of COVID 19 in March, just as we were getting ready to start CPT. I got sick for a few weeks anyway, but once I felt better and was still quarantined I started having what I think are anxiety attacks and not sleeping more than a few days a week. I finally had to tell my wife because I couldn’t even get going enough to make love to her. She is much more supportive this time, but I know it has her emotionally hurt. I’ve never been an emotional person, the fact that she has stayed with me for 20+ years says more about her than me. She asked me a few questions and the suicidal thoughts one really scared her when I said yes. I lied and said not lately to try to help her process it, but it’s been almost every day for decades. My only close call was a long time ago, and I feel I can usually deal with the thoughts. My job requires a gun so that is a big issue if I disclose too much. If I lose my gun I lose my ability to provide for my wife and kids. I am having these anxiety type attacks at work, home, etc. I can’t seem to concentrate and the video chats don’t really help me right now. The therapist has already said I have PTSD. I’m feeling like I’m losing control of my life. Not sure why I’m posting this but hoping it may help me.
My dear wife found out about my brother 6 years ago and we got through that with me seeing a private therapist at a local church. Things went more or less back to normal until I went to a conference last fall that I had no idea would trigger me, but it did. The vet center closed because of COVID 19 in March, just as we were getting ready to start CPT. I got sick for a few weeks anyway, but once I felt better and was still quarantined I started having what I think are anxiety attacks and not sleeping more than a few days a week. I finally had to tell my wife because I couldn’t even get going enough to make love to her. She is much more supportive this time, but I know it has her emotionally hurt. I’ve never been an emotional person, the fact that she has stayed with me for 20+ years says more about her than me. She asked me a few questions and the suicidal thoughts one really scared her when I said yes. I lied and said not lately to try to help her process it, but it’s been almost every day for decades. My only close call was a long time ago, and I feel I can usually deal with the thoughts. My job requires a gun so that is a big issue if I disclose too much. If I lose my gun I lose my ability to provide for my wife and kids. I am having these anxiety type attacks at work, home, etc. I can’t seem to concentrate and the video chats don’t really help me right now. The therapist has already said I have PTSD. I’m feeling like I’m losing control of my life. Not sure why I’m posting this but hoping it may help me.