Dealing with this is hard

I started meeting with a therapist at the vet center for an assault that happened when I was at my MOS school. I was also abused my by brother when I was younger. These two, very similar events, made me a question a lot of things about myself over the years, was I gay, bi, did I deserve to even live? In my time in the military, homosexuality could get you a court martial.

My dear wife found out about my brother 6 years ago and we got through that with me seeing a private therapist at a local church. Things went more or less back to normal until I went to a conference last fall that I had no idea would trigger me, but it did. The vet center closed because of COVID 19 in March, just as we were getting ready to start CPT. I got sick for a few weeks anyway, but once I felt better and was still quarantined I started having what I think are anxiety attacks and not sleeping more than a few days a week. I finally had to tell my wife because I couldn’t even get going enough to make love to her. She is much more supportive this time, but I know it has her emotionally hurt. I’ve never been an emotional person, the fact that she has stayed with me for 20+ years says more about her than me. She asked me a few questions and the suicidal thoughts one really scared her when I said yes. I lied and said not lately to try to help her process it, but it’s been almost every day for decades. My only close call was a long time ago, and I feel I can usually deal with the thoughts. My job requires a gun so that is a big issue if I disclose too much. If I lose my gun I lose my ability to provide for my wife and kids. I am having these anxiety type attacks at work, home, etc. I can’t seem to concentrate and the video chats don’t really help me right now. The therapist has already said I have PTSD. I’m feeling like I’m losing control of my life. Not sure why I’m posting this but hoping it may help me.
 

Sprinter

Registrant
I hear you. I'm new on this forum also. I've been dealing with the abuse for years. I've made progress. I put in lots of work on PTSD after looking a long time for a T that was a good fit. Triggers and anxiety remain for me.
 
@MassGuy

I am sorry for what happened to you. Being married certainly complicates things. Not only are you on a very difficult private journey, but you are doing it with a woman who is trying to understand what is happening to the man she loves and what it means for her and your relationship. I have struggled with how much to share with my wife. I have opened up more to her in the past few months than our entire marriage. I will never share the details of the abuse as it would break her heart. But she has really appreciated me being less closed off.

I finally talked to my counselor last week about my struggles with suicidal thoughts. He handled it well and it went a long way to making me feel better about them.

Thanks for posting. I am sorry for what brings you here but am glad you came.
 
@Greg123 thank you. Your description of her trying to understand is so true. I don’t think I can ever tell her the details, it was hard enough telling her that it happened. I appreciate the feedback, hoping we can all help each other in some way.
 
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