Dealing with narcissitic mother who was an emotional incest abuser
Guys - just wondering if any of you like me are tormented between hating the woman who abused me - my mother, (Emotional Incest EI, whilst being neglected by my Victorian dad) and feeling honour bound to look out for the woman of 83 who needs an eye kept on?. If so how do you manage it?
I'm 53, in therapy about 2 years, and only realised what happened to me in my childhood once I started this therapy. It has been a rollercoaster, to the point that I cannot stand the sight of her. I haven't visited her since Christmas - I actually have had a physical revulsion being in her presence - in the presence of my abuser(s).
It was a totally screwed up marriage between my parents. He had a pseudo wife - my sister - and I was the pseudo husband to my mother who groomed me from the age of 12. From this point up until I turned 18 and went to University and met my wife in week 1, my sister and I waged war on each other on behalf of our parents. Our house, particularly the dinner table, was full of violence, screaming, arguing, fighting, distrust - I hated my dad, my sister had similar feelings for my mother. I was poisened by my mother about how horrible a man my dad was to her, to the point that I only began to get to know him a year or 2 before he died.
This was the story of my teenage years. The only respite I had was to go and spend time during the school holidays (12-18) with a cousin of my father's who was also a catholic priest... you know what's coming next ... who sexually abused me for the same period of time. I had nowehre to go - so largely lived in my head.
My mother accused my dad of incest with my sister, an accusation she tempered to Emotional Incest when I confronted her at the age of 18. She emasculated my dad and institutionalised him for a short while. He was no saint either - his was one of utter neglect.
So my mother is a narcissist with probable BPD. She has no respect for boundaries. She asked me last September whether I had been abused by my dad's cousin - I said I had, and after an intitial show of distress - on her part, I got a hug and an apology and then in the same breath just returned to her previous conversation as if nothing had happened. It turns out she has known for 23 years and never said anything to me. Having told her the relationship she had with me was unhealthy, it just went over her head. She cannot see in her relationhip with me the very thing she accused her husband of. But then that's narcissim.
So here I am, I pretty much hate her on the one hand and on the other - well I'm just not sure: do I love her because she's my mother? Dunno. Can I forgive her? Not at the moment. My T says that forgiveness is where I need to get to ultimatley, but that may not happen until she dies. Can I stand to spend time with her? No - she's a nasty spiteful ole witch. She lashes out at everybody including my kids. YOu dare not go shopping with her, she will pick a fight over something ridiculous in the shop just to prove a point. She verbally abuses any politician she sees. Execept for 1 of my brothers I don't speak to the other members of my family. That 1 brother suffered the same fate as me at her hands, though it kicked off about 3 years after me. He's been in therapy on and off for 15 years. Now that we have reconnected - it has set him off again. The rest of our birth family are pretty f###ed up. I'm trying to deal with the actual CSA the priest did to me, and yet my mother and what she did to me lies at the heart of all of this.
Have you any suggestions?
I'm 53, in therapy about 2 years, and only realised what happened to me in my childhood once I started this therapy. It has been a rollercoaster, to the point that I cannot stand the sight of her. I haven't visited her since Christmas - I actually have had a physical revulsion being in her presence - in the presence of my abuser(s).
It was a totally screwed up marriage between my parents. He had a pseudo wife - my sister - and I was the pseudo husband to my mother who groomed me from the age of 12. From this point up until I turned 18 and went to University and met my wife in week 1, my sister and I waged war on each other on behalf of our parents. Our house, particularly the dinner table, was full of violence, screaming, arguing, fighting, distrust - I hated my dad, my sister had similar feelings for my mother. I was poisened by my mother about how horrible a man my dad was to her, to the point that I only began to get to know him a year or 2 before he died.
This was the story of my teenage years. The only respite I had was to go and spend time during the school holidays (12-18) with a cousin of my father's who was also a catholic priest... you know what's coming next ... who sexually abused me for the same period of time. I had nowehre to go - so largely lived in my head.
My mother accused my dad of incest with my sister, an accusation she tempered to Emotional Incest when I confronted her at the age of 18. She emasculated my dad and institutionalised him for a short while. He was no saint either - his was one of utter neglect.
So my mother is a narcissist with probable BPD. She has no respect for boundaries. She asked me last September whether I had been abused by my dad's cousin - I said I had, and after an intitial show of distress - on her part, I got a hug and an apology and then in the same breath just returned to her previous conversation as if nothing had happened. It turns out she has known for 23 years and never said anything to me. Having told her the relationship she had with me was unhealthy, it just went over her head. She cannot see in her relationhip with me the very thing she accused her husband of. But then that's narcissim.
So here I am, I pretty much hate her on the one hand and on the other - well I'm just not sure: do I love her because she's my mother? Dunno. Can I forgive her? Not at the moment. My T says that forgiveness is where I need to get to ultimatley, but that may not happen until she dies. Can I stand to spend time with her? No - she's a nasty spiteful ole witch. She lashes out at everybody including my kids. YOu dare not go shopping with her, she will pick a fight over something ridiculous in the shop just to prove a point. She verbally abuses any politician she sees. Execept for 1 of my brothers I don't speak to the other members of my family. That 1 brother suffered the same fate as me at her hands, though it kicked off about 3 years after me. He's been in therapy on and off for 15 years. Now that we have reconnected - it has set him off again. The rest of our birth family are pretty f###ed up. I'm trying to deal with the actual CSA the priest did to me, and yet my mother and what she did to me lies at the heart of all of this.
Have you any suggestions?