dealing with infatuation

[bisulatino]

Ok, so there's this guy and whenever I am around him, it's weird. First of all, I get extremely shy around him, I am totally afraid to do or say anything because I am afraid I will turn him off, scare him away. Also, I get really stupid, probably has to do with becoming shy. Third, when I'm not with him I feel like shit, it's like I become even more negative then usual after spending time with him. Fourth, when I'm not with him a lot of my thoughts, no matter what I am thinking, are always connected back to him. I did some research and I am pretty sure this is all infatuation. I don't know why I am infatuated with him, I think because to me he is the perfect guy. He is totally my type physically, he is very aggressive sexual, and he has his own troubled past that he is dealing with. I suffer because I am so drawn to him and yet feel like I have no way in hell of getting close to him at all.

The other part of the situation is that, although I'm sure I come off as being either very weird or boring due to my unusual behavior around him, he still keeps in touch with me. His situation is that he just got out of a six month relationship and wants to date around for a long time, no commitments. He says he is dating me, along with a few other guys. He ended up leaving the area for a while, and I was so tore up about feeling like he was just playing with me or that I screwed up and scared him away that I just didn't contact him, I wanted to forget him. He would contact me though after a few weeks, and then we might hang out where it's pretty much the same thing, me being around him and being insecure.

Well he's back now, and we hung out a couple days ago, and I sorted brought up how when I was around him I felt kinda scared, insecure, wanted to know if he really enjoyed hanging out with me. He said he didn't understand why I felt that way, and yes he really did like hanging out with me. He even told me that I could hang out with him during his shift at his new job. I felt better, but still felt a fool for the way I had been acting. We ended up kissing when we left, I really enjoyed that, I wish we had done that more while we were hanging out.

That night and the next day was like what I would imagine meth is like. I was all wired up, but I was suffering at the same time. I hated myself, I felt helpless, hopeless. Today I had to break down a little and have a talk with myself, the child version of me talking to the adult version of me. It made me feel a little better. Then I went for a run, something it's been too long since I've done, and I felt great after that. Now I am just wondering, what is it about this guy that is different from every other guy??? Why am I freaking out in this way? Why can't I just turn it off? Should I cut it off with him, or keep going with it? Has anyone been in my shoes? I just want someone to listen to me, maybe identify with me or give me some advice.

 

[lostcowboy]

Hi Bisulatino, I can so relate. Even though I am basically straight (I did have a affair with a gay man), I keep having these infatuations over and over again, why? After the affair with the gay man, I went to the library to read some books on being gay. I found "The Sexual Brain by Simon LeVay " a very interesting book on how people become gay while still a fetus. But it didn't explain why I would wait until I was 38 to have feelings for a man, (11 years ago). So I went back to the library and found "The Shy Man Syndrome: Why Men Become Love-Shy and How They Can Overcome It by Brian G. Gilmartin" this book also talks about things that happen while still a fetus. A very interesting book that seems to explain me very well. He also wrote, "Shyness & Love: Causes, Consequences, and Treatment by Dr. Brian G. Gilmartin" which he has given permission for it to be on the web as a free download. You can find select chapters, and the whole book as a pdf file, Here .

You should read, Love as a Powerful Elixir and The Biochemistry of Falling , as I feel they apply to anyone having a infatuation.

By the way your descriptions are very good.

Take care,
Clifford

 

[roadrunner]

Bisulatino,

Although I am not gay I can relate to what you are saying. What you describe sounds pretty much, up to a point, like what my relationship with my girlfriend in high school and my early college years was like. We enjoyed each other's company and had a lot in common, and over the next several years we drifted in and out of each other's lives - and beds - without devoting a lot of thought to what was and wasn't going on between us. I was an emotional wreck, so this feeling of comfortable distance was fine by me.

Where the comparison ends is that my girlfriend and I were both content for things to drift like that, and when we ultimately drifted apart neither of us seemed to mind. What you seem to want, however, is some sense of commitment or real emotional engagement. The problem is that this other guy isn't willing to go that far.

This leaves you with a decision. You could explain to him what you want and need, but if you do I somehow get the idea he won't be too moved; he's happy with the way things are. So your second choice would be to continue with him - as things are. But the status quo is one in which your needs don't matter. Can that be good for you? Is any one person worth that sacrifice? The third choice would be to call it a day and look for someone else, someone who takes you seriously and respects your feelings and needs.

You are the one who has to choose, but one point that would be decisive for me would be this: Infatuation to some extent has to do with focusing our efforts and dreams on something that isn't real and can never be ours.

Much love,
Larry

 

[bisulatino]

Thank you guys for your responses. I can totally see those three choices Larry. I just wish I understood why I feel this way about this guy. Or rather, I wish that I didn't feel this way about him. I just want to be good friends with him, share some experiences with him, make some good memories with him, and he doesn't seem to be against that. It seems that this stupid emotion is keeping me uptight and insecure and therefore not allowing me to be myself. The more time I spend with him the less I have those powerful feelings, so I'm hoping that with time they'll subside. I am dating other people in addition to him, but in the mean time I figure I might as well enjoy his company.

 

[roadrunner]

Bisulatino,

You have to decide this yourself, of course, but I would just invite you to look at what you are saying.

What you seem to be doing is waiting for his self-engrossed attitude to erode your desire for commitment and genuine emotional engagement. That is, you are willing to be with him on his terms, even if those terms take no account of your own needs and even negate them.

I think survivors often tend to fall into this trap. Low self-esteem, lack of confidence and difficulties with trust make us feel we don't deserve fulfilling relationships. Or even if we feel we deserve them, we despair of ever having such a relationship. Or if such a relationship develops, we hesitate to trust it and instead wait for it to fall apart. So instead we are willing to settle for situations rather similar to the abuse, situations where we are disrespected as individuals and our needs and feelings are disregarded. That is, we gravitate towards what is already familiar to us.

Of course only you can determine whether you are following this line of thinking, in which case you are becoming a victim all over again, or whether you really do just want to enjoy his company. I just mention all this because it seems to me that the issue is worth considering.

Much love,
Larry

 

[cat lover]

You are worthy of being in a relationship with reciprocity.