Day trip that went bad

[Grunty1967b]

I was on leave this week from work and yesterday my wife and I made a day trip to a country retreat where theres native forest, flowing rivers and natural bushland. We took our dogs and headed off for a nice day out.

That all went bad for me as soon as we got there. It was a hot day so many people were swimming and of course were in bathing costumes which means they werent wearing very much. Thats a MAJOR TRIGGER for me and so my head went in a spin. I wanted to try and hide this episode from my wife, so I hastily suggested we could go where there werent as many people. That provided some relief but then we had to go back the way we came.

Next, we went back to the car and drove along the forest trail a little further to another location. That too had people also swimming, also wearing little. I really wasnt coping and we left after a while. The drive home took just over 2 hours and I was exhausted mentally when I got home.

I went out that evening to get some take out food and discovered I was still not well in my head. As I approached the food outlet there were more people who reminded me of my earlier distress that day. I just sat in the car and froze. As best as I could think about what was happening I surmised that I was having a panic attack. This was actually a first for me.

I have always prided myself on being emotionally strong but I think the fight is wearing thin, particularly as the last few months have been taking their toll on me emotionally. In these last few months I have revisited my recovery from childhood sexual abuse, and this time I am sticking with it. Thats probably why I am feeling so fragile. I hate feeling like this and feel like Im getting worse rather than better.

Just this morning as I was driving, another person I passed set me off. Whats going on with me? I had lunch and then went to bed for a few hours to escape from the world.

I dont think I really had any questions I wanted input on in posting this, but I wanted to share my fight and failure of the last few days in the hope that others can be encouraged (in the sense that as you read this you will see that if you struggle like I do that you are not alone).

Every other area of my life has huge expectations on me and I have to hide the screwed up mess that my mind gets in some times. I even feel bad about telling my wife how upset I get at times. She knows of my past abuse but I dont really share much of my daily/hourly struggles. I appreciate being able to let it all out here. Thanks for reading, and I hope your mind is better than mine at present.

 

[Ivanhoe]

Hey, Grunty,

You're right. People reading this will know that they are not alone if they are struggling the way that you are.

I wish that I could take some of your anxiety away from you to give you some rest from all of that.

One of the things that helped me was to try and define what it is that you think that you will do or what will become of you for being anxious around others.

I used to have anxiety like that and one doc asked what I thought would happen when those episodes happened to me. I think that what I learned is that I wasn't thinking, I was panicking.

Kind of what my dentist said to me as I was sitting there just about to lose it. He said, "keep breathing." Can you imagine it, I was holding my breath. My dentist said that a lot of folks have to be reminded to keep breathing.

So, Grunty, keep thinking, and keep breathing.

And, if you're not seeing a therapist, try to find one. Just telling someone else about our fears, helps to lessen their impact on us.

So, keep breathing, keep thinking, and keep talking and/or writing here.

You're on the right track.

Courage and strength,

David

 

[roadrunner]

Bruce,

Your post reminds me of a lot of things I have done and ways I have tried to cope. Something would happen to trigger or upset me and I would concentrate on it, try to face it down, figure it out, stay strong, and so on. Sometimes that worked, but I always felt battered afterwards, and mainly I was trying to do things alone.

I really don't know how all this has changed; all I can do is say it has been confusing and scary and try to talk about it with you here. I do know that one thing that happened is that I admitted that I can't do this alone. I learned that from coming here; it made such a difference to be able to talk and know I am believed and understood, and I soon saw that I needed that in "real life" as well.

When I disclosed to a few people - my wife, my daughter (she's 18 on Wednesday ), a few close friends and professional colleagues - I think I did that not just to speak out and break the silence, but also because I wanted their help. At least that is how it's working out. Just the other day, for example, I was shopping with my daughter. We were in a crowded store and it really started to bother me: strangers bumping into me, unknowns behind me doing who knows what, and so on. So I told my daughter that I had to get away and I would wait for her outside the store. But she went with me, and we stopped at a coffee place and talked for a bit. I explained why I thought I had become uncomfortable and she was really supportive and said she was glad I had told her. We talked of other things, I calmed down, and soon we were back in the store and I was okay.

None of that could have happened if I had not disclosed to her. I don't know who you have told or who you can rely on, but maybe you need more people in your corner Bruce. That's what came to my mind when you said this:

I have always prided myself on being emotionally strong but I think the fight is wearing thin, particularly as the last few months have been taking their toll on me emotionally.

That brought back all my memories of how it was to fight alone: endless and ever more exhausting feelings of conflict. But it doesn't have to be like that.

I know what you mean when you speak of your daily/hourly struggles, and of course we are all different and unique individuals and need different things. All I can say is it made such a difference to me when I no longer felt like this constant battle was for me to fight by myself.

Bruce, what do you mean by "emotionally strong"? You use that phrase in a way that suggests you think you are losing this strength. That's not what I see. It takes real strength and courage to recognize that a situation is not good for you and to do whatever you have to do in order to put yourself in safer surroundings. That's not weakness; that's saying: "Here are my needs and this time they have to be met right now."

All I would add to that is a few more trusted people, if you think that would help you. I will just close by saying yes, it was difficult for me to reach out to these people, even those very close to me, but it has made all the difference.

Take care,
Larry

 

[Grunty1967b]

**Triggers Warning** Ivanhoe (David) you asked if I could recall what I was thinking when I got panicky? I dont think Ive asked myself that question before. Very enlightening.

Heres my shocking (to me) answer. I fear that these minimal clothe wearing guys will want to have sex with me. After all, theyre practically naked and in a few short seconds it could all happen. Theyre right near me and putting out (in my mind at least). Even worse is that I fear if they attempted anything I would just roll over like a dog and let them do whatever! That makes me feel sick to my stomach that I could envisage myself allowing myself to be abused again - but this time as an adult. Didnt I learn anything as a child on how @#%!#@$ sick this stuff is!!!!!! How could I even think of it happening again!

I feel like such a sick, perverted, screwed up male prostitute for even having these thoughts!!

Wow! Where did that come from?

Larry, on my emotional strength I DO feel like I am losing this. I am trying to find a T but at the same time I feel like Im losing it. Ive always been in control of my emotions (think Vulcan if youre a Trekkie). If I get too overwhelmed I shut them down but that doesnt seem to be working at present. Maybe this is reality for me in that I am really feeling things that cannot be suppressed any longer. Maybe having these emotions is normal but I feel so out of control.

Being emotionally strong has always been my strength. Its my Popeyes spinach. Its how I live and cope. If I let it go whats left?

 

[roadrunner]

Bruce,

It sounds like seeing practically undressed men is a big trigger for you, and this and the rest of how you felt at the beach doesn't surprise me at all. After all, what did an undressed man mean to you as a child? Danger, helplessness, fear. I have an intense dislike a deep fear really of a certain kind of sweet aftershave that I can't identify. What's that about? It's the brand my perp used, and when I smell it that triggers all my fears of what comes next.

When you say you fear it might happen again, that sounds to me like Little Bruce acknowledging he was powerless to stop the abuse or prevent it from happening again. That's just my guess, but whatever it comes from, it doesn't come from you being a "sick, perverted, screwed up male prostitute". It just goes to show how deeply all this affects us.

By emotional strength Bruce, maybe you really mean control, a word you use a lot in your post anyway. You are recognizing that if you allow yourself to feel things, you aren't in "control" anymore; when a flood of feelings clobber you, you won't be able just to close down. But maybe giving up that kind of control isn't a bad thing. Our feelings are a part of who we are; we can't just turn them on and off like a light switch, and we don't need to feel guilty about them. We do need to recognize them, however, and work to deal with them.

Meanwhile, look who's talking! Allowing myself to feel all this stuff is enormously difficult for me, specifically because I'm not in control in the way I am accustomed. I ask the same thing as you:

Its how I live and cope. If I let it go whats left?

But the answer isn't this or nothing. We just have to find better ways, and I guess that's why dealing with all this is NOT a doityourself project. Working with a therapist will keep us safe and take us to those better ways.

Live long and prosper,
Spock