Daughter heard my screaming nightmare

[HavingHope2]

Over a holiday break trip, my wife and I shared a room with our 13yo daughter. One of those nights I had one of my classic nightmares: screaming in my sleep, screaming and thrashing to wake up, hyperventilating. At least I wasn't crying and clinging to my wife, I've minimized that over the years. Sometimes my wife asks what it's about - I say "the usual" or say nothing at all, or sometimes make up pure bullshit just to have something different to say. She experienced these for years before knowing of the CSA. Once she found out, the very first question she asked - before what happened or who did it - was if this was why I scream in my sleep.

Well now my daughter was there and she experienced it too, woke up right away. I told her it was nothing and to go back to sleep. That morning I heard her having a soft worried conversation with my wife, who explained "Daddy had a nightmare."

At least she made it this long. At least our son wasn't there. They are both still teenagers and it is still unthinkable to appear weak in front of them. I sometimes envision telling them someday, have no idea how that would go. If it does happen I wonder if my daughter will remember this and will ask the same question her mother did.

 

[GaD3!]

Personally I do not think you have to worry about appearing "weak" in front of your teenage children. Do you think they would think any less of you if you somehow did not present a perceived image of strength?

 

[HavingHope2]

Intellectually, no, I don't think that is something to worry about. We love each other, we talk about feelings, they know I have feelings. But at some illogical and unfair level I feel that showing weakness and neediness is letting them down, or would leave them feeling less protected.

 

[Easy123]

My son is a very mature 15 and I’m thinking about telling him this summer. I told my daughters when they were 20 and 18, so a little older than that. But it was about a year after telling my wife and beginning therapy. When I told them, it was the scariest and easiest thing I had ever done. It wasn’t weakness they saw, it was strength and trust. Strength to speak the truth and trust that they would support me.

I think this is an opportunity to really connect with your daughter and set the stage for a future discussion. Tell her you sometimes have nightmares and you can’t control when they happen. You’re sorry if it scared her but it’s nothing she should worry about. And then let her know she can always talk to you or your wife if she ever has similar problems—nightmares, friends, boys, whatever. She’s thirteen. Trust me, the next 3-4 years can get rough for a girl. Especially today with social media. She is going to need that support. That’s how you show her you’re a strong parent. By letting her know it’s OK to be vulnerable. I don’t spend much time thinking about things I would do differently, but that’s one where I do. I wish I had been a little more outside my head and paying attention when my girls were in middle and high school.

 

[GaD3!]

Intellectually, no, I don't think that is something to worry about. We love each other, we talk about feelings, they know I have feelings. But at some illogical and unfair level I feel that showing weakness and neediness is letting them down, or would leave them feeling less protected.

I told my three when they were in their teens. I had not planned on telling them, but ended up doing so. It was not an issue and nothing changed in how they behaved around me nor in our interactions.

 

[Georgie]

Personally I do not think you have to worry about appearing "weak" in front of your teenage children. Do you think they would think any less of you if you somehow did not present a perceived image of strength?

I second this.

 

[cjchopes]

Over a holiday break trip, my wife and I shared a room with our 13yo daughter. One of those nights I had one of my classic nightmares: screaming in my sleep, screaming and thrashing to wake up, hyperventilating. At least I wasn't crying and clinging to my wife, I've minimized that over the years. Sometimes my wife asks what it's about - I say "the usual" or say nothing at all, or sometimes make up pure bullshit just to have something different to say. She experienced these for years before knowing of the CSA. Once she found out, the very first question she asked - before what happened or who did it - was if this was why I scream in my sleep.

Well now my daughter was there and she experienced it too, woke up right away. I told her it was nothing and to go back to sleep. That morning I heard her having a soft worried conversation with my wife, who explained "Daddy had a nightmare."

At least she made it this long. At least our son wasn't there. They are both still teenagers and it is still unthinkable to appear weak in front of them. I sometimes envision telling them someday, have no idea how that would go. If it does happen I wonder if my daughter will remember this and will ask the same question her mother did.

I hear you. I know what it’s like to wake up from nightmares that replay the abuse — the full weight of what happened. Screaming, convulsing, drenched in sweat with fear and terror. I’ve had to warn people ahead of time if I spend the night at their house that it might happen. It’s scary to think about their reaction, and I sometimes worry they’ll see me differently.
But their reactions are their responsibility, not mine. Sharing truthfully can open a door — a conversation that builds connection, understanding, and a little freedom from the shame we carry.
If you ever tell your daughter, it could be a moment of growth for both of you. She already sees your strength, your protection, your presence. One day, she’ll see the resilience and courage you carry, and it may even help her feel safer to share her own fears.
She will love you more, not less. She will see you as a strong man who survived what no one should, someone still standing, still learning, still human.
Nightmares don’t make you weak. They make you human. And sharing that humanity — carefully, when it feels right — can create understanding, connection, and love.
I hope your nightmares ease over time, and that you can find some peace with them.

 

[Curiouspaints]

Over a holiday break trip, my wife and I shared a room with our 13yo daughter. One of those nights I had one of my classic nightmares: screaming in my sleep, screaming and thrashing to wake up, hyperventilating. At least I wasn't crying and clinging to my wife, I've minimized that over the years. Sometimes my wife asks what it's about - I say "the usual" or say nothing at all, or sometimes make up pure bullshit just to have something different to say. She experienced these for years before knowing of the CSA. Once she found out, the very first question she asked - before what happened or who did it - was if this was why I scream in my sleep.

Well now my daughter was there and she experienced it too, woke up right away. I told her it was nothing and to go back to sleep. That morning I heard her having a soft worried conversation with my wife, who explained "Daddy had a nightmare."

At least she made it this long. At least our son wasn't there. They are both still teenagers and it is still unthinkable to appear weak in front of them. I sometimes envision telling them someday, have no idea how that would go. If it does happen I wonder if my daughter will remember this and will ask the same question her mother did.

Be strong have courage you where heard @HavingHope2 how you deal with things will always be viewed your attitude and your response to recovery is for you
But you also need solitude to step away from that role they have for you and give yourself back to yourself for a few moments