dating and vulnerability, especially emotional
I am starting to be serious about wanting to date again, but haven't yet found someone for whom I could be all-out crazy. In fact, I even have trouble getting dates, it seems. Three weekends ago, I was supposed to have brunch/see a movie with a guy who I met online, and while we were instant-messaging about what movie to see, he just totally disappeared for the rest of the day.
Two weekends ago, I met a different guy on a dating website, and chatted with him for four hours, and he asked me out to coffee for a few days later. Then he canceled a few hours beforehand by email so he could have a date with someone else.
Both of these experiences have felt disaffirming. They have felt a little cat and mouse like, and, while just small incidents compared to my ex-boyfriend, they did bring up some reminders of him, because he would sometimes engage in behaviors of that sort. (Aside, of course, from rape & placing me in situations where I was not able to give meaningful consent.)
The second one has felt a bit to me like a small-scale emotional rape. I felt a connection with the guy, and the part that comes up for me about feeling used is that a piece of the conversation was erottic. Having recently read a book on sexual ethics, I wrote for myself a sexual story in which the two characters interacted with each other ethically, so I could imagine for myself the particularities of how that might play out in real life. I shared that I had done so with this guy, but didn't give him any background about why I had done so. It wasn't cybersex, but it did make me feel a bit vulnerable to discuss my sexual likes and dislikes, and I told him as much - and perhaps it is that vulnerability which later was the gateway to feeling hurt and used by someone I'd never even met.
On the one hand, it makes me wonder if I will ever be able to trust anyone again. These two violations of trust are both small-scale reminders of my ex and his issues.
On the other hand, not trusting has its own, other results. I have also noted for myself that my emotional needs are not currently being met. My sexual needs are not being met. Perhaps these are not the best terms to use, but I'm feeling 'deprived' in those areas. I know from my long-standing 12-step recovery in another, unrelated area that such a thing can be a setup to binge. So I am cautions at both ends at once: not wanting to be vulnerable, and yet wanting someone to love me profoundly, recognizing the very deep vulnerabilities therein.
Two weekends ago, I met a different guy on a dating website, and chatted with him for four hours, and he asked me out to coffee for a few days later. Then he canceled a few hours beforehand by email so he could have a date with someone else.
Both of these experiences have felt disaffirming. They have felt a little cat and mouse like, and, while just small incidents compared to my ex-boyfriend, they did bring up some reminders of him, because he would sometimes engage in behaviors of that sort. (Aside, of course, from rape & placing me in situations where I was not able to give meaningful consent.)
The second one has felt a bit to me like a small-scale emotional rape. I felt a connection with the guy, and the part that comes up for me about feeling used is that a piece of the conversation was erottic. Having recently read a book on sexual ethics, I wrote for myself a sexual story in which the two characters interacted with each other ethically, so I could imagine for myself the particularities of how that might play out in real life. I shared that I had done so with this guy, but didn't give him any background about why I had done so. It wasn't cybersex, but it did make me feel a bit vulnerable to discuss my sexual likes and dislikes, and I told him as much - and perhaps it is that vulnerability which later was the gateway to feeling hurt and used by someone I'd never even met.
On the one hand, it makes me wonder if I will ever be able to trust anyone again. These two violations of trust are both small-scale reminders of my ex and his issues.
On the other hand, not trusting has its own, other results. I have also noted for myself that my emotional needs are not currently being met. My sexual needs are not being met. Perhaps these are not the best terms to use, but I'm feeling 'deprived' in those areas. I know from my long-standing 12-step recovery in another, unrelated area that such a thing can be a setup to binge. So I am cautions at both ends at once: not wanting to be vulnerable, and yet wanting someone to love me profoundly, recognizing the very deep vulnerabilities therein.