Damaged Goods (Warning Triggers)

Hello MS Members,

I had decided to try and sleep this morning as it is pouring down rain here, but the night terror I had just about an hour ago decided otherwise for me. That is no big deal as me getting very little sleep is just now part of the package. I have been here long enough now to figure out most of the stuff you do here is not easy. One could argue it is damn hard, arguably the one exception is interacting with the other members. Most of the rest of this is like tearing a piece of your soul out because you put onto a public forum which you don’t even want to believe yourself.

For those of you that have read my posts you will know this for those who may not have you would not. Coming up on eleven years ago now I lost my wife to a drunk driver, and it was a horrifying experience. I have been alone ever since, I have never dated, or even had casual relations with anyone. Since being here I have heard people broach the subject masturbation and I can’t even do that. There is nothing wrong physiologically to prevent it mine seems to stem the mind.

If I attempt to do so I am bombarded with images of years in which I was treated by others in unimaginable ways. In a way, my experiences, have transformed me into my own walking trigger. Other than talk to my therapy group I am unsure what to do about this and it is maddening. I don’t feel like a real man and as if there is a huge piece of me missing. It is embarrassing, fills me with rage and anger, makes me feel sorry for myself, ultimately making me miserable.

Some will think, but yeah you were married, thing about that is, is that that part wasn’t so great either. My wife certainly deserved better than what I had to offer and thinking about that is painful too. She was able to help me in this way, but she has been gone for almost eleven years now. I mean try going that period without being able to relieve yourself. Then people wonder why I am angry and bitter, and this is always surprising to me. Then again, they don’t really know because it is not something talk about.

I know the science behind this and that makes it even worse, sometimes knowing things is not so great. The part of your brain that controls this has three basic wants: oxygen, food and well simply sex. That part of your brain does not prioritize them into order, as far as it is concerned sexual relations is every bit as important as being able to breathe or getting hungry and eating. It is one of the reasons that human race has survived because this drive is such a high priority up there.

There are those that by choice do this: different kinds of cultures around the world, religious driven disciplines, and probably more I am unaware of. I did not sign up for any of these or part of one of those cultures, mine is a result of what was done to me, against my will. So, I retreat and hide and avoid people, who for them it is such a natural thing. Go to any party, talk to anyone at work and it is talked about with such ease and quite often. It is not easy for me as a matter of fact it is nonexistent. It makes me feel so helpless and hopeless and I don’t know if it is something that can ever be altered.

This was something I wanted to post about but was unsure, I know people already think I am weird enough as it is without chucking that onto the fire. Everyone here always says it’s got to come out well there it is another fragment of me. Isn’t it all so wonderful?

With Deep Respect,

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Hi Jrperky

Sleep was a major problem with me because of night terrors, was over 20 years of little to no sleep. I have tried many different things that never workout much. Sleeping pills either didn't work or I was screwed for days after taking any. My Psychiatrist who when I agreed to see her knew I would not be taking any mental health pills for depression or anxiety, I have been through tons of them and they are reacted badly and didn't help.
Will after several sessions with her she started to talk about a blood pressure medication. It works in your brain and reduces the fear that is causing the night terrors. I checked it out with my GP and he told me that it was a very safe medication, the down side is it could lower your blood pressure so if you get up in the night you need to be careful. I have fallen in the night once in 2 years. I sleep now between 6 and 7.5 hours a night With way less bad wake ups, they have been starting to increase some in the last month or so, so it maybe time to adjust the medication again. The medication is Prazosin, I started with 1 mg and have increased to 5 mg's now. I can go as high as 45mg's I think so I have a long way to go to max out.

I don't have anything to do with sexual partners anymore have for many years. I even find if I do MB that I get flooded with intrusive thoughts /memories of abuse and then I just feel like shit dirty and rejected by my own body as I was not able to complete. I am none sexual for the most part now and find my head to be more clear the more I can stay away from those thoughts.

Thanks for posting this I found it to be validating. Say what ever you need to we are for the most part aware of what others pass have been like, we all have hard stories to get out and this has been the best place to say what you need to as other will understand here.

Take good care go slow
Damaged goods. I used that phrase this morning in my session with my T. I was stunned when it came out of my mouth...then sad.