dad troubles

dad troubles

newground

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Staff member
I don't know really what to write here. my father has been in a assisted living home for a few years now,he has parkinsons disease and has been getting progressively worse which is to be expected. Thing is I am having such a hard time feeling again. for so many years I just ached to have him in my life. time after time I would leave his house to drive home in tears just wishing it could be different; It never was. he had a heart attack and my brothers and I tried to convince him that we needed to sell his house and get him some money to live in some comfort. The three of us tried for some hours and my brother finally said "we are only trying to help because we love you" that is when he said " since when has this family ever been about love?" that was when I got up and just left...it was pretty obvious that wanting to have him be a dad just wasn't going to happen. somehow all the ache left me and I just felt pity.

So today he went on hospice. and with the covid stuff I haven't been about to go see him he was going to my church for the last year or so and I really did see some change he was smiling good with people but still all I could get is pitiful. So now we are separated, His court appointed conservator keeps trying to get me involved but the judge took all our rights and assigned them to this other guy and a court lawyer.

So thing is now i got nothing but because of who I am i feel like I should feel something, he is my dad. he was not my sexual abuser though emotionally he was always a trip I believe that he is and was bipolar. so much of what is me I modeled after him it is all so confusing maybe a good time to try to teledoc my T I have been asked if I want to speak at dads service and the answer is frankly no. But there again I feel like I should like that is the proper thing to do. to top it all off because of all the fall out my extended family is fractured at best and I want no part of that at a funeral. I dont know that there is an answer or even advice but I just needed to vent ... thanks guys.
 
New, I think you've done the best you could for you. The circumstances of our lives have added complexity to how we look at and process things and most don't get that. When we find that others get what we're saying, it's kind of calming. What you're saying here resonates with me. There can be rifts that just are, they're done, and that's what it is. I think, because of the issues we are dealing with about our trauma, we've seen that the problems of it are with us, and they're going to stay with us. It's that we have worked to find what might work for us to be good to ourselves, when we can. That's a tall order for some of us, myself included. That's when letting it out like you're trying can let us rally around you.

You're an awesome guy new, you've been here for a lot of guys. This place is better because of you. That said, the things you need to do to be good to yourself can get pretty personal at times, my wife is an example. This family stuff has its history and pain that can be some of the trickiest to navigate. Writing helps, and I'm glad you have given it a try.
 
@newground I am sorry that you are walking such a difficult road with your dad. Relationships with our fathers can be so difficult and it sounds like you are trying to make the best of a tough situation. You mention that you 'should' feel something. I understand that feeling. I would gently offer that there really isn't a "should" here. No one has been in the position you have with your unique situation. So please be kind to yourself. You have never walked this path before and are figuring it out as you go.

I have such a dysfunctional relationship with my dad. He is a narcissist who has never had a good relationship in his life. When he unloaded on me last summer, it opened my eyes to what a struggle relationships are for him and that I would never have a good relationship with him. I have reconciled myself that I will never see him again. I don't know if that is the right thing to do or not. With my dad I only have bad choices - have a relationship with a man who is disrespectful and rude to me or cut him off. I say this because you are in a tough spot. Is it possible that you only have bad choices? For example if you speak at your dad's funeral you might feel like a phony. On the other hand if you don't speak then you might feel like you have failed as a son. It sounds like both options are bad. In that case, choose the best bad option and be gentle with yourself for doing the best you could under difficult circumstances.

This is a particularly difficult season for you as you deal with your father's mortality, extended family dynamics as well as a global economic melt down and pandemic. You deserve compassion and understanding - most importantly from yourself. I wish you peace as you walk down this road in the days ahead.
 
Oh man, New.... this is so very sad! I can identify with a lot of that. My relationship with my father is very strained and always has been. Be kind and gentle to yourself. This is NOT all on you! Go with your gut feelings about speaking at the funeral. ((( New )))
 
New,

Sorry you are having to deal with this, your situation sounds a lot like my situation was with my father. I spent a lifetime waiting for him to step up and be the father or even the grand father we needed him to be but it never happened. I had way over invested in that one-way relationship due to all my unmet boyhood father needs. This was another childhood issue to work through, basically what we need to do is parent ourselves by loving ourselves. It was our parents job to be a parent, their parental failings are theirs and not ours. What ever you need to do around his issues you need to do what's best for you now. You are not bound by any false sense of obligation to do anything that will bring you stress or drama or worse.
 
New

I am sorry for what you are enduring. Your father most likely had his own struggles. Sometimes he may have viewed your words and actions as supporting his fears, preventing communication. You struggled to love yourself and have made extraordinary progress, your father maybe did not have the ability or opportunity to heal. I have seen families where relationship with one parent is strained because of the other parent's emotional needs and the children band together with this parent and unknowingly put the other parent in a distant place. I have no idea if that applies to you. Reflect on what he did for you during his lifetime and not what he failed to do. No perfect parent exists. Love yourself, be kind to yourself.

Kevin
 
So just an update. They tell me sad is actively dying. I am currently in his room at the hospital and I expect they are right. Still there's not a lot of change in my feelings. I mean most people would have trouble watching someone dying and I have that much feeling, but ... On a deeper level, I really get lost. I really try not to let this be about me or the abuse. Not about wanting more and not even being able to say that to him. I struggle to ignore the phrases that play back in my head. And ignore that my brothers won't even come up. Im trying my best just to do what's right for me. It seems as usuall ... I don't really know what that is
 
((((((Newground))))))

I can relate to your struggles with your Dad. I had much of a similar experiences with my Dad. I stepped in to help my Mom and helped my Dad at the same time and would go home in tears and come back the next day like nothing happened. It was like groundhog day repeat over and over again. It was a very tough time to get through I was not going to let him run me off as my Mom needed me, so I guess I just let it go as fast as I could tried really hard not to hold on to it. It was my only path forward I grew a thick skin, I looked after him and my Mom till he past away things never changed for the better between us. I did not speak at his funeral or my Mom's I was completely spent by that time.

I think going through this while Corvid-19 is here would make things even more difficult. I am glad you are able to be there through end of life, that can be helpful with hospice staff to help along the way. Sorry for the times you are dealing with New.

Sending you strength, compassion as you move forward on life's journey

Take good care of yourself
 
((((((Newground))))))

please take care of yourself too. Hospitals are difficult under any circumstances but these are soooo much worse. Peace and comfort is my wish for you tonight.
 
hi Jeff, i know how weird all this is i had similar thoughts when my mom passed in the 80s, on one hand society expects you to act the grieving loving child but i just felt relieved more then anything that it was finally over couldnt even cry when it happened, i had my reasons for feeling the way i felt not that most would/could understand just as you have reason to feel like you do, , so just do what you can dont feel guilty or stress yourself out over everything, take your time to digest your feelings and come to terms with the situation........wishing you the best in these trying times take care of yourself. BB
 
((((NewGround))))

We come from broken families or we likely wouldn't be here. Whether the abuse happened within the home or not, it was not the refuge we turned to for solace and support. Yet our families will always be our families, for better AND worse.

When my father died I was numb to it all, doubtless in the grip of my own demons. I really appreciate how you speak about your feelings in this situation. You know you can share your truth with men you trust understand or at least will listen without judgment. There is no perfect way to do any of this... only the truth of what you do and what you decide moment to moment. As others have said, the key is caring for yourself as you do this. You may have been lost in your family, but you're not lost now. You're doing the hard work of claiming your life... Deep respect for that. Sometimes life IS a struggle and the path to follow isn't clear. Then we put one foot in front of the other and hope for the best. If we're lucky we can work through the shit and have a family we enjoy being part of... but often it is safest to keep our distance. The best to you as this chapter of your life unfolds.
 
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