dad troubles
I don't know really what to write here. my father has been in a assisted living home for a few years now,he has parkinsons disease and has been getting progressively worse which is to be expected. Thing is I am having such a hard time feeling again. for so many years I just ached to have him in my life. time after time I would leave his house to drive home in tears just wishing it could be different; It never was. he had a heart attack and my brothers and I tried to convince him that we needed to sell his house and get him some money to live in some comfort. The three of us tried for some hours and my brother finally said "we are only trying to help because we love you" that is when he said " since when has this family ever been about love?" that was when I got up and just left...it was pretty obvious that wanting to have him be a dad just wasn't going to happen. somehow all the ache left me and I just felt pity.
So today he went on hospice. and with the covid stuff I haven't been about to go see him he was going to my church for the last year or so and I really did see some change he was smiling good with people but still all I could get is pitiful. So now we are separated, His court appointed conservator keeps trying to get me involved but the judge took all our rights and assigned them to this other guy and a court lawyer.
So thing is now i got nothing but because of who I am i feel like I should feel something, he is my dad. he was not my sexual abuser though emotionally he was always a trip I believe that he is and was bipolar. so much of what is me I modeled after him it is all so confusing maybe a good time to try to teledoc my T I have been asked if I want to speak at dads service and the answer is frankly no. But there again I feel like I should like that is the proper thing to do. to top it all off because of all the fall out my extended family is fractured at best and I want no part of that at a funeral. I dont know that there is an answer or even advice but I just needed to vent ... thanks guys.
So today he went on hospice. and with the covid stuff I haven't been about to go see him he was going to my church for the last year or so and I really did see some change he was smiling good with people but still all I could get is pitiful. So now we are separated, His court appointed conservator keeps trying to get me involved but the judge took all our rights and assigned them to this other guy and a court lawyer.
So thing is now i got nothing but because of who I am i feel like I should feel something, he is my dad. he was not my sexual abuser though emotionally he was always a trip I believe that he is and was bipolar. so much of what is me I modeled after him it is all so confusing maybe a good time to try to teledoc my T I have been asked if I want to speak at dads service and the answer is frankly no. But there again I feel like I should like that is the proper thing to do. to top it all off because of all the fall out my extended family is fractured at best and I want no part of that at a funeral. I dont know that there is an answer or even advice but I just needed to vent ... thanks guys.