Cycle of finding ones sexuality (trigger warning)

[Tryingtolive]

Phases.
Distant.
Sex.
Masterbation.
Hyper.
Love.
Same sex.
Opposite sex.
Thoughts.
Arousal.
Abuse.
Hate.
Attraction.
Fantasy.
Voids.
Touch.
Smell.
Sounds.
People.
Activities.
Sports.
Society.
Art.
Masculinity.
Feminine.


All these things can bring me back.
All these things can bring sadness.
Sometimes I’m out of touch.
I’m constantly trying to find something.
A fufillment.
A joy.
A life.
One can not do so if one is unsure of them selves.
I find myself to be cycling through my love live.
Attaching and detaching.
No labels I prefer.
But all things I attach to sexuality.
I want love but afraid of it.
I want peace but won’t accept it.
I don’t want to appear as weak so I won’t speak it.
I keep it hidden so only I can suffer in it.
It amazes me how in touch iam but I’m certainly not with who iam.
Sexuality and abuse especially same sex abuse.
I believe it does something to who ever who was abused.
In my experience I never viewed my abuse as “gay”
Although many would say it was.
It was same sex.
So obviously it was.
Denial?
I’m not sure.
I remember as a kid always saying it was part of me.
The activities that were done on me.
They were covered.
Hidden.
It didn’t bother me back than.
Was that denial?
But now it does bother me.
I was never femine so I never seen myself as weak as society would like to say feminine people are.
I always showed aggression. Comedy. to cover my true emotions.
But really I was weak. I had gay acts done on me and I liked it.
So I was gay all along?
There’s so many questions that stem from my abuse that I take into adult hood.
A man should never cry.
A man should never act on emotion.
So I thought.
But once my break down occurred that’s all I could do.
I constantly fight a battle in my own mind.
Who I should be.
Who I want to be.
But this question never runs through my mind mind
What I learned to be.
I think that’s because that’s that’s what iam.
I learned to be the way iam.
I was never given a chance to choose.
Or even decide who I wanted to be.
I learned.
How do I change these cycle of emotions.
These idealizations.
When I look in the mirror I’m not proud.
When I talk I’m not confident.
When I sense myself around others I’m not me.
I have nothing.
I’m searching for something.

 

[Esterio]

Hi Tryingtolive

Thanks for sharing you have packed a lot into this post. One of your idealizations that I deal with and try hard to change; "when I look in the mirror I am not proud". When I look in the mirror at the start of the day I say good morning and try and smile. It has helped me to be able to look at the mirror.

I have a couple of friends that get up and write down a few things they are grateful for. They tell me it helps them to see it is not all bad in their lives.

I am different when around people. sometimes with drawn and quiet, others I am loud and anti social and sometimes I am ok just to be there. Makes people move away from me.

Don't know if that makes sense

Take care
Esterio

 

[flying]

Thanks for sharing, Tryingtolive. I can relate to pain and confusion. I am telling myself I am good enough. Sometimes it's very hard to say this, it's uncomfortable. I am trying to love the little boy in me and let him know he is ok.

Ben