CYCLE OF DEPRESSION
CYCLE OF DEPRESSION
- Thread starterJAAY
- Start date
Hauser
Registrant
Yep, yes I do too. I keep dwelling on the choices that I've made in my teen and adult life, choices that I know I never would have made had my perp(s) left their hands off me.
Choices to have lousy grades, choices to use alcohol and drugs to cope, choices to not think about my future, etc. I beat up on myself for not having looked out for myself better. The effects of my abuse later in life were far worse than the abuse itself.
Choices to have lousy grades, choices to use alcohol and drugs to cope, choices to not think about my future, etc. I beat up on myself for not having looked out for myself better. The effects of my abuse later in life were far worse than the abuse itself.
OH YEAH! guilty as charged on that one. even like when my first marriage ended, i blamed myself for not giving her enough attention and stuff, when she was the one that had the affair! maybe we had our problems, but you work on them, you dont go and run off with your boss. yet, i still can't get mad at her, because i blame myself.
my theory is that when you are powerless it becomes easier to blame yourself. our abuse for example. if we blamed the adult, the one in charge, what would we do with that? it isnt like we could beat them up or anything. we felt powerless to take it out on them, so we did the next best thing, we took it out on ourselves. i know in my case, i could punish and hate myself pretty effectively. whereas, i didnt even know my perps full name. it was pretty pointless to blame him, so i blamed me, someone i could punish and scold.
my theory is that when you are powerless it becomes easier to blame yourself. our abuse for example. if we blamed the adult, the one in charge, what would we do with that? it isnt like we could beat them up or anything. we felt powerless to take it out on them, so we did the next best thing, we took it out on ourselves. i know in my case, i could punish and hate myself pretty effectively. whereas, i didnt even know my perps full name. it was pretty pointless to blame him, so i blamed me, someone i could punish and scold.
Yeah, me too. Especially when I'm under stress, I take all the blame, and then I end up stewing over all my bad choices, mistakes, failures, and seeing it as proof that I'm worthless, etc, etc.
I was freaking out about a job application and upcoming interview a few months ago. A friend said, "hey, just do the best you can, that's all you can do, right?" I felt funny 'cause I hardly ever got any encouragement like that as a kid. I was acting like this interview was going to be some measure of my worth as a human being, and it's not. But I get so down on myself for being a f-up I don't see clearly.
I was freaking out about a job application and upcoming interview a few months ago. A friend said, "hey, just do the best you can, that's all you can do, right?" I felt funny 'cause I hardly ever got any encouragement like that as a kid. I was acting like this interview was going to be some measure of my worth as a human being, and it's not. But I get so down on myself for being a f-up I don't see clearly.
I used to all the time - I find that I'm doing it MUCH LESS these days.
If you ever have the time to just sit and 'people watch', you will note that there will be 'a range of body language' that walks past you!
Is the one with head held high and smiling happy? Is the one looking in the gutter sad?
Maybe if you saw those two people the next day, they may have swapped in appearance...head held high looking in the gutter! Looking in the gutter ...head held high!
We all screw up at times...sometimes we also feel sad for no reason.
Try and look for what is good (it takes practice).
'Normal people' get just as worried as we do! Guess that makes us normal!
Best wishes ...Rik
If you ever have the time to just sit and 'people watch', you will note that there will be 'a range of body language' that walks past you!
Is the one with head held high and smiling happy? Is the one looking in the gutter sad?
Maybe if you saw those two people the next day, they may have swapped in appearance...head held high looking in the gutter! Looking in the gutter ...head held high!
We all screw up at times...sometimes we also feel sad for no reason.
Try and look for what is good (it takes practice).
'Normal people' get just as worried as we do! Guess that makes us normal!
Best wishes ...Rik
roadrunner
Registrant
Jaay,
Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Another one singing my song!
Yes, that's a big one for survivors I think. We get like that because as boys, when we had no answers to the big "why" questions, we resorted to blaming ourselves in a million ways: I liked it, I got an erection, I should have said no, I'm a sissy, I should have run, I should have told someone, blah blah blah.
And once your self-esteem bottoms out it's makes even more sense to trash yourself for every little thing that goes wrong.
I found this difficult to "see", and it was something that came up repeatedly in therapy until I finally shed that hair shirt.
I'm really pleased to see you getting rid of this one as well. Well done!
Much love,
Larry
Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Another one singing my song!
Yes, that's a big one for survivors I think. We get like that because as boys, when we had no answers to the big "why" questions, we resorted to blaming ourselves in a million ways: I liked it, I got an erection, I should have said no, I'm a sissy, I should have run, I should have told someone, blah blah blah.And once your self-esteem bottoms out it's makes even more sense to trash yourself for every little thing that goes wrong.
I found this difficult to "see", and it was something that came up repeatedly in therapy until I finally shed that hair shirt.
I'm really pleased to see you getting rid of this one as well. Well done!
Much love,
Larry