cutting the cord

[johnshea]

Today I went to the mailbox where I found 2 envelopes one addressed to each son, from my mother who I have been estranged from for about 8 years now. This immediately sent me into a funk where I became dissconnected from the present, and aggressive toward my wife emotionally. She had to have me get away from her as I was dumping all of my emotional shit on her energetically.It might sound all spooky and hokey but it is something I've learned how to do to get back at the world.At first I just did not want to deal with the mail we had received, and told Jan so.

Then I decided to do something about it so I found an envelope and went to ask Jan for a piece of paper so that I could return the items with a note saying not to send anymore shit. I told her what I wanted it for and she said "no, call her, and if you don't I will."

So I called, mom answered the phone and I said "don't send anymore shit" she started in with something about christmas gifts that she still had and I just said "keep it" we don't want it. I told her how I was going through a lot of shit from when I was a kid. She started getting pathetic and weepy and said so am I.She made some comment about how I needed to be strong which just means that I should take the crap. I told her I was trying but that she had made me weak. I said just leave me alone and I'm tired of all of your shit.

I could feel that she was trying to break my resolve but it wasn't working. I had to feel safe from her.I said leave me alone, goodbye.

I feel relieved, free and sad. I thank Jan and you guys for giving me the strength to do this.

 

[James_dup1]

John,
Good job. It's hard to tell our parents things like that, we are told that we are to love our parents no matter what. What a line of crap. You took one more step to re-claming your life when you did that, you saw that you were dumping on your wife and that it wasnt her fault. That in it self is a big step, then to call your mom and set the boundry of your not taking it anymore from her and she was going to have to get over it was another big step. I hold my glass in the air and salute you. CHEERS my brother.
James

 

[Lloydy]

John
we don't get to choose our families, and if they are no help, support or even abusive, they can get in the way of our recoveries. Forunately for me the few family members who know my situation support me, and I'm very grateful for that.

But the people we do choose to be with, our partners and children, for those lucky enough enough to have them, are different I feel.
We made that mutual decision to be with them, and I know where my loyalties lie.

Dave

 

[Wuamei]

Johnshea:

Dang! This sounds so much like what happened when
our family got a Christmas package from my mother,
perp #1, this past Christmas season. I got all shook up (not what Elvis had in mind either!) & didn't want to touch the stuff.

My wife opened it; she & the kids decided we would keep none of it & it is trash!

My mother also sent a note asking why I'd not returned any letters in the last almost 2 years--from the time I started abuse memory flashbacks, tho she doesn't know that.

In my case my wife urged me to write my mother back before she tracked down my phone number & called me (she lives out West), and tell her what was on my mind--meaning quit sending us shit, quit contacting us, and stay out of our lives!

So I did. Just a note saying I had issues with her going back to childhood and could not be in contact with her until further notice which might
be never. So far she has not attempted further contact. Good thing too.

Your phone conversation with her sounds like one I had with her about 5 years ago when for a time I restored contact with her for a few years. I'm a slow learner sometimes. She was so in denial then without any details even. I was in denial about the hopelessness of our so-called relationship. But no longer!

John, we've both made some good boundary setting survival moves. Since we can't pat each other on the back, perhaps we can each pat ourselves on the back.

OK 1-2-3...forget the pat--group hug!

Victor