curious

curious
F

fhorns

Registrant
I am hesitant to say this, but I found it true last week. I have this mixed bag of emotions and thoughts, but I felt excited when memories came out last week. I was terrified during them, but it was like I could remember. There's been this roadblock all my life as far as memories of my past, and the feelings were stuck there too.

Last week when they came up I felt a little excited because they were MY emotions, not everyone else's. I pay attention to what other people are doing, saying, and maybe feeling, but seeing myself has required more solitude than open sharing.

Please reply on this one. I know some are tortured by memories and flashbacks constantly, and I haven't. I don't know what the future holds. I've just always thought that the closer I get to my feelings, good or bad, the closer I am to being free, to healing.

I guess the real question is "Do those with extreme memories and flashbacks have hope in the middle of it?"

Thanks,
Alfred
 
Hey there... I wonder if it is the holidays and family and stuff, but there seem to be a ton of questions about memory lately. That is all that I have been dealing with for the past two weeks.

I am constantly struggling with the concept of memory. My therapist is having me read a book about it just because it is causing me so my hell right now.

My experience with memory is that because I can remember so little and they are usually just brief images like snapshots, that I envy others who can remember in entire segments. I always imagine the feeling you are having... of the "Ahhh... finally! A memory!" But then when I actually have a strong memory trigger or flashback, I wish that I never had to remember at all. And then I start to self-doubt and think that my mind is just making that up to fill in the blanks, and I feel like I'm back to square one. There have been very few memories that I haven't doubted.

Congratulations on finding not only these memories, but the feelings as well. The feeling that they are truly yours and you can own them and heal from them must be amazing.

-Sean
 
Alfred,

I always remembered what happened, I was never able to forget. But I remembered it from the perspective of an eleven year old with all the guilt, shame, self-blaming and self-doubt. Now I can look at it from an adult perspective and it changes everything. Those memories will always be part of my life but they no longer rule my life.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve
 
Alfred,

A unique view for me, because when my memories first came back, they were horrible and a form of torture. Especially the more violent episodes, because I had repressed them so completely that it was LITERALLY like it was happening at the time. Physical response, raw emotions, everything. I had the first attempted murder flashback right in front of my therapist who was afraid I was going to stroke-out/cardiac on the spot!

Now, with time, I can honestly say that, since the extremes have passed and I've had a chance to process them, the memories don't have the same power as they once did. Am I glad to have them back? Yes and no, because these things should NEVER happen to anyone, much less a child, but they have answered a lot of questions and have made me complete.

There is hope, I guess I'm saying. It's worth the pain of having them back because they have "completed" me. The 11 and 12 year old parts of me are back (almost!) where they should be and I've had a chance to make peace with them.

I hope this helps, because looking at what I wrote, it's almost "stream-of-conscious" stuff that would make sense only to William Burroughs. :rolleyes: :p

Peace and love, Alfred.

Scot
 
Alfred,

The memories I've had are just bits and pieces. After all, I was only a little guy, somewhere between two and four years old. There is an emotional immediacy to them that can't be faked. I've also experienced them in ways that I seldom do other memories. Am I glad they're coming back? No and yes. No, because this should never happen to anyone. No, because I don't want to believe that a family member was capable of such hideous acts. But yes, because I finally have an explanation for those life-long feelings of shame and guilt and "less-than" and unworthiness and failure, an explanation which does not heap more of the same old emotional self-abuse upon my head. Yes, because now I know more of the truth and I can take steps to heal.

Tom
 
The memory of what happened to me never went away. It was always there, but came out really big through a dream and dream work I was doing with my therapist. There was more what I would call realization than remembering. And I would echo that it caused great shame and guilt for many, many years. In fact, I attribute to SA some of the "cause" of my alcoholic and addictive behavior. I think what the big realization was the feeling that came with the dream of the memory. I got to feel the anger that I was never permitted as a child. Also, that it was not safe to go home and tell my parents what happened. I resented that at least as much as the SA itself.

I feel there is hope everywhere.

RickB
 
I actually appreciate the flashbacks, the really good ones that have me cowering in your boots. I don't like them in the least, but I do appreciate them. They have so much to tell.

I had always thought that I had remembered all there was to remember about my SA. A flashback corrected me. That same flashback also showed me the fear I had that first time, now I know why I was silent for so long, even when I was in T just months after that first incident. The next 3 months are still missing.

So to answer you question; yes, there is great hope within those flashbacks. Look at them, understand what they are telling you, and learn what needs to be done. I don't look forward to a flashback and I don't enjoy having them, but I am appreciative of the information (the feelings, the circumstances, the truth of it) that those damn flashbacks provide.

Bill
 
Alfred
I'm like Steve, I remember nearly everything. Although after four years of nearly daily abuse it's inevitable I forgot a lot of detail.
But sometimes a tiny detail returns. A smell or a sound will rocket a memory back into my mind and I feel floored by it.

It's not the detail of the sex acts that floor me now, it's the emotions that come with it.
For many years, until I started therapy and healing, I surpressed the emotions as they returned and turned the flashback memories into fantasies.
That was my coping mechanism. When I remembered a detail I concentrated on the sex and glorified it, used it.

Bad move.

Now I concentrate on the emotionial part.
I fix onto what it's making me feel now, the negative, sad feelings and wonder if that's how I felt back then as a young teenager.
And I have concluded that I did feel that way back then.
I have NO good memories of that shithole of a school - none at all. So why would I have felt that the sex, and the beatings I took to make me cooperate, would have been something I felt good about ?

I know that I've written in the past that I felt that I was "special, because I did things other boys didn't, thought things others didn't" - and that feeling followed me into adulthood.
But it's a false feeling, it's the lies they told us. I wasn't special.

I was a perfectly ordinary boy, who became the object of others debased desires. I didn't volunteer.
So the emotions I would have felt back then were ones of desertion, betrayal, fear, and all those negative emotions. The same ones I feel when a small flashback suddenly floors me.

I appreciate that now, I'm finally getting in touch with the genuine young David, not the fake 'they' created.
My David did feel emotions, and so do I.

Dave
 
I have memories that I have never forgotten. Over the last year, I have "thrown-up" memories of things that I have long forgotten. It actually feels as though I am throwing up when they appear. I also have memories which I have never forgotten but have never explored until therapy.

I also struggle at times with what is true.

Harry
 
I have patchwork memories of the sexual abuse when I was a teenager. Always had them. Actually I believed that I remembered everything about that in great detail, until I tried to remember it in detail.

I have shards of memories of life at home when I was younger. I'm getting memories of the earlier sexual abuse I didn't even suspect until I started trying to deal with the stuff I did know.

Very little emotion attached to any of the memories. Horror and fear in the worst of the flashbacks, but really no emotion in the memories. At least not yet.

I guess if the flashbacks help me come to know who I am then they do bring hope.

Thanks,

Joe
 
I remembered some abuse from three of the perpetrators.

I think my grandfather abused me, because I loath and am actually afraid of men that look like he looked, that remind me of him. I remember being terrified and trying to hide when my mother said we were going to visit him. I feel like I "know" what he did, and that feeling has been constant over the years. Typing this makes my heart beat faster. But because I have no visual memories of anything, I have trouble believing that its real. Humans are visual creatures, I guess.

It rang a bell when Dave said he felt like he was getting back to the real Dave when he could feel the emotions related to the events. That seems to be the case here. It seems like I have more going on inside than I did before, not so empty anymore.

Jim
 
Jim
I couldn't surpress the memories no matter how hard I tried, but I could - and did - surpress my emotions for over 30 years.

The last 5 or 6 years have seen them flooding back, some so painful I could hardly bear them, some are just wonderful. But they all have their place, and I don't fight them any more.

Dave
 
Dave,

I know exactly what you mean. After I get through a really intense time, then I actually feel lighter, physically more energetic. All that dammed up energy comes out, and then its easier to feel my actual personality.

Jim
 
Hey.

I have lately just begun to remember some of the crap that happened to me decades ago. I mean, I always kind of knew it, at some level, but never focused on it for even a second. Too painful, I suppose.

Now that it is all spilling out, a bit at a time, odd details seem to come, mostly at night if I can't sleep, or if I am really stressed out about something.

I remember hiding under my neighbor's car to avoid being seen by the abuser. I see the oil spots, what the abuser was wearing, Duncan's freckled, puzzled face as he asked what I was doing under his dad's car...

I remember telling my mom that he was not a very nice guy... but telling her nothing else. I remember talking with my dog, Blackie, about it, because he just listened...

I remember horrid details involving other kids.

These memories have made me cry so hard I thought I was going to suffocate. Harder than I have ever cried before in my life, over anything. I screamed "I HOPE YOU ARE IN HELL" and wondered if the abuser could hear it, thousands of miles away. I have wondered if he is in jail, and fervently hoped that he can't hurt anybody else, because if he isn't in prison, or dead, he will.

And all of this the night before a Biochemistry exam. I guess it's pretty obvious how well I did on that exam. Or not. Still, I think this new semester will bring a lot of changes, since I have anti-anxiety strategies, pharma help if I need it, people with whom to work, a website with fellow survivors who say good things, and I just feel better prepped for everything.

Whatever it is we are doing in life, if we are prepared, we need not fear, as the Book says.

The memories are here, and I am not stuffing them down again, but they will not keep me from my dreams. I will have a great relationship with my wife, dammit, and I will become what I have set out to become... and it will be my own personal part of the victory for all MS's.

I hope we all create good memories, and victories, since we have survived and we have the chance.

Hoo-freakin-Rah.

Kurt
 
Hey.

I have lately just begun to remember some of the crap that happened to me decades ago. I mean, I always kind of knew it, at some level, but never focused on it for even a second. Too painful, I suppose.

Now that it is all spilling out, a bit at a time, odd details seem to come, mostly at night if I can't sleep, or if I am really stressed out about something.

I remember hiding under my neighbor's car to avoid being seen by the abuser. I see the oil spots, what the abuser was wearing, Duncan's freckled, puzzled face as he asked what I was doing under his dad's car...

I remember telling my mom that he was not a very nice guy... but telling her nothing else. I remember talking with my dog, Blackie, about it, because he just listened...

I remember horrid details involving other kids.

These memories have made me cry so hard I thought I was going to suffocate. Harder than I have ever cried before in my life, over anything. I screamed "I HOPE YOU ARE IN HELL" and wondered if the abuser could hear it, thousands of miles away. I have wondered if he is in jail, and fervently hoped that he can't hurt anybody else, because if he isn't in prison, or dead, he will.

And all of this the night before a Biochemistry exam. I guess it's pretty obvious how well I did on that exam. Or not. Still, I think this new semester will bring a lot of changes, since I have anti-anxiety strategies, pharma help if I need it, people with whom to work, a website with fellow survivors who say good things, and I just feel better prepped for everything.

Whatever it is we are doing in life, if we are prepared, we need not fear, as the Book says.

The memories are here, and I am not stuffing them down again, but they will not keep me from my dreams. I will have a great relationship with my wife, dammit, and I will become what I have set out to become... and it will be my own personal part of the victory for all MS's.

I hope we all create good memories, and victories, since we have survived and we have the chance.

Hoo-freakin-Rah.

Kurt
 
I truly hope that there is hope to this. I hate refeeling things again, but if it will help me finally, if it will be something that ends up to be good for me, then it would be easier to deal with it. I hope that it does have hope, yes.

Leosha
 
What Dave said about the emotions connected to the abuse really struck home with me too. That's what I feel now. I buried those feelings for so long. When I first went in to see the therapist and just non-chalantly told him what happened to me when I was a kid he asked me the classic T question "How did you feel about that?". I thought he was joking. I didn't feel anything, I didn't have any emotions except anger, outrage, self-contempt. After the feelings started coming out then I could deal with them. Until then when I would feel all sorts of negative feelings, get really anxious then I'd act out, be a jerk or just withdraw. I never connected the feelings that I had or the things that I did with the abuse. I just thought that I was a worthless piece of crap and I deserved every thing that ever happened to me.

That's changed now. I'll never forget what happened and I shouldn't, but as I said earlier on, all of the occurances in my life, good and bad, shaped me into the person that I am today. I'm feeling better about who I am. I know that I'm not able to change the past all that I can do is live today.

Take good care of yourselves my friends,

Steve
 
I am glad that it is good for you to remember, and that you felt your own emotions, that is a big step. FOr me, I am one of those who is tortured by memories and flashbacks, but I hope sometime it can be for me as it has been for you.

scott
 
Scott

I am one of those who is tortured by memories and flashbacks, but I hope sometime it can be for me as it has been for you.
Click to expand...
That's how I was for 31 years, I remembered it. All too clearly.
So I tried to change it , to rewrite my past, to escape the torture of it.
And all during that time I can never remember feeling anything about those memories. I never cried, felt sad, angry or betrayed. I forced myself to be neutral about. I didn't even feel disgusted or ashamed - because I'd told nobody, so who was going to judge me and confirm the shame ?
I 'altered' the memories by hyping up the sex and fantasising about what happened, which just kept them alive.

It's only since I've allowed myself to attach emotions to the acts and the memories of them that I've begun to deal with them in a way that makes the memories feel insignificant.
When I was 11 I was raped by a gang of older boys, and for 31 years that was a high point in my fantasies. I would modify the memory to make the sex something that I wanted, both back then as a kid and again as an adult.
The FACTS were that I was beaten, raped until I bled, forced to do oral sex and TOTALLY betrayed by the headmaster who found out what had happened and covered up.

It's only by appreciating the pain I suffered, mentally and physically, as an 11yo boy, and allowing myself as a 50yo man to cry and shake, and tell people about it - people who listen, understand, and support - that I've been able to remember and talk about episode ( and the others ) without any problem. I wrote that description of what happened with all the emotion of writing a shopping list. I've done the emotion for that now, and if it needs a bit more in the future I'll gladly find some more crying, rage, or whatever it takes.

I'll have to go back to young David to experience that level of emotion again. But we're cool with each other now.

Dave
 
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