Curious, Unaware and Unequipped

Curious, Unaware and Unequipped
B

BelovedSon

When I was a kid, my brother was into Venus flytraps. They put off a pleasing scent that draws the flies toward them. The fly is curious but unaware of the danger as it moves into the plant. With the barbs pointing inward the fly is able to move forward but not back. Once it realizes the danger it is too late and it is unequipped to deal with the danger and escape.

That was the image that came to mind this morning as I met with my rent-a-friend. I am struggling with “why?” Why did I allow the perp to do that to me? Why didn’t I fight back? Why didn’t I run? Why didn’t I at least say “no”?

I was curious. I was curious if this cool older kid might really want to be my friend. But like the fly, I was unaware of the danger the first time I said hello to him and started hanging out with him.

And when I was finally alone with him at his house, I was unequipped to resist. In fact, my family had groomed me to be agreeable and go along. “Greg is so easy going. He never gives us any problems. He never creates waves”. To whatever degree my perp groomed me, he was helped by my crazy family that didn’t equip me to stand up for myself and to fight back. In fact they groomed me to be passive, compliant and to go along.

I am not there yet, but after today’s session with my T, I am finally open to the possibility that it wasn’t my fault. Though I am not where I want to be, my T is teaching me to be content with baby steps. So for now I will choose to feel good about that.
 
For me, your title says it all -- curious, unaware, and unequipped. Of the three, unequipped is probably the most significant.
 
greg, you have children. do you remember what they were like at the age when you were groomed & abused? all of us keep forgetting that we were children when horrible things happened to us. children! there's a reason why there are people who specialize in child psychology - children are not just shorter adults, they see the world with completely different eyes. they have different brains than us! they are infinitely more vulnerable & susceptible to manipulation; their brains are simply incapable of calm, rational analysis & decision making. they are utterly lost without parental love, protection & guidance. for god's sake, even older teenagers, despite all their bravado, are still extremely insecure, easily influenced & clueless in so many ways...
 
SinkBackIntoTheOcean said:
greg, you have children. do you remember what they were like at the age when you were groomed & abused? all of us keep forgetting that we were children when horrible things happened to us. children! there's a reason why there are people who specialize in child psychology - children are not just shorter adults, they see the world with completely different eyes. they have different brains than us! they are infinitely more vulnerable & susceptible to manipulation; their brains are simply incapable of calm, rational analysis & decision making. they are utterly lost without parental love, protection & guidance. for god's sake, even older teenagers, despite all their bravado, are still extremely insecure, easily influenced & clueless in so many ways...
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So well said....
 
Greg123 said:
To whatever degree my perp groomed me, he was helped by my crazy family that didn’t equip me to stand up for myself and to fight back. In fact they groomed me to be passive, compliant and to go along.
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I did the opposite to my kids. Taught them to be free-thinkers, even if it means disagreeing with me (which they now do often as adults!). I am proud of them.
 
NC-Survivor said:
I did the opposite to my kids. Taught them to be free-thinkers, even if it means disagreeing with me (which they now do often as adults!). I am proud of them.
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Yes, my wife and I too. We took a class years ago called Growing Kids God's Way. One technique we learned and adopted was teaching our kids to "appeal" if they don't like a decision we made or felt like we had treated them unfairly. So, for example, if we told them to turn tv off to come to eat they could appeal and say "there is only 5 more minutes can we finish the show?" It was a way to teach our kids to stand up for themselves and challenge authority in a way which is respectful.
 
Greg123 said:
;). Yes that is what I call him behind his back :)
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Thanks for clarifying. I first thought you meant prostitute instead of therapist when you mentioned "rent-a-friend."
 
@Greg123 Kids can only respond using kid intellect and kid physical strength. As adults we often wonder why we didn't respond to our abuse/abuser as we would now as an adult. I've spent way too much time doing that. It's simply not possible. To me, it became self abusive and counterproductive to my recovery. I now remind myself many times a day that I am no longer that terrified little boy and that the abuse/abuser is no longer a threat to me. I am safe now. I now live in the present. BTW, do you realize how well you are doing in your recovery? Your posts reveal a strong sense of growth and peace. Kudos man.
 
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