Curious*triggers*

Curious*triggers*
I am new here at MS.org and I am leafing through some of the posted messages trying to find me. Almost at every turn, some of your statements and comments have been mine internalized for many years silently. The first question from lostone I feel compelled to address. Most dismiss that there is no difference between one perp and many. Well, I think that is wrong.
From the age of 3 until I was 5 both my mom and dad sexually, physically, and verbally abused me. Then the courts stepped in and took me away from them and put me in a Children's Home. I now belonged to the state and could not leave until after I was 18.
Well, as a result of my earlier memories, as they never left me, I had very bad nightmares.
Waking up screaming and pounding on the walls. The smaller boys (under 15) were in one dorm and the older boys in another. Well, "They" thought I was too much too handle where I was and made the choice to move me to the older boys dorm much too soon. From the age of 9 to 17 I was raped by 28 different older boys. Mind you, some of the SA experiences with these older boys were multiple, but: 28 different times with someone else. It does make a difference. I was afraid so much of my life to leave my apartment for fear that I would run into one of them. If it is only one, you look for one. For me I was looking in 30 differnt directions (including my parents). I moved all the time, running away, supressing it all saying I don't feel safe here so I'll go there. From the east coast to the west coast hiding from what might happen to me again. I never learned to fight, still can't. I just run. As a consequence I am alone and isolated.
I came to this sight by the recommendation of Mike Lew whose book my therapist asked me to read. I never knew other men felt like me. I have been so lost and so lonely. I am only now, in the down hill turn of my life just beginning to deal with this. I was a workaholic and escaped my life in books.
I can't hold back the pain and anguish any longer. I have to tell someone. Someone who really "knows" what this feels like. Please no patronizing cliches. I know them all. I just want to have a voice finally. I have been invisible and without a voice far too long and am very very tired.
Ric
 
Asking "why me" became important to me when I was having 1 to 1 therapy because I was abused in an envionment where abuse was common, although it was obviously a hidden thing, if that makes sense.

My main abusers were well known as 'bum bandits' to the pupils ( and the teachers probably ) so they were shunned by the majority of pupils. When we met up to have sex I would not walk through the school grounds with them, I would meet them at a pre-arranged place. I didn't want to be associated with them in public, and that's how it stayed.

But I do know that these two abusers did try to groom and abuse other boys without any success, they would talk about their success and failures quite openly with me there. And I know fellow pupils who whould say "A & B tried to have sex with me, but I told them no" - and they remained unmolested.

So this caused me great problems, I wanted to know "why me". And to find out I had to examine very closely what kind of boy I was as an 11yo, what made me different to the boys that said no and were left alone.

Dave
 
I'm sorry, but what has this to do with what I posted? Sure, your story sounds harsh, but a boarding school and an orphanage are quite distinct comparisions. Maybe I am angry, maybe I am bitter about it all, but did you ever feel what I did? Every day of my life I wondered when? Everyday of my life I wondered who? Everyday of my life I wondered when? I don't get it? What was so wrong with me that people felt it was okay to do "that" to me? I wws just a scared and lonely boy and still am.
 
Lloydy,
You said:
So this caused me great problems, I wanted to know "why me". And to find out I had to examine very closely what kind of boy I was as an 11yo, what made me different to the boys that said no and were left alone.
Click to expand...
Can you share with us what you found out?
 
I've been thinking about the "why me" question. I really had a problem with the "why me, what if I, what if he/she, maybe..." questions from those still extremely angry with a perp. I don't see much benefit to the victim to engage in those questions when it shifts the anger away from the perp. The why me questions direct the anger inward. Instead of directing the anger where it belongs, for the why me questions direct it at ourselves.
One thing Lloydy's post made me realize is that there is a time to ask why. I'm over the anger and want to understand more about my self. Maybe it's ok to ask why at this point.
Thanks for helping me to see that Dave.
 
Wow, so much of this makes me shiver. I'm batling with trusting my memory right now. And I recognize that my mother did lots to me from when I was really little. When the male boarder moved next door, I was about 9 or 10, I'm now starting to recognize what happened and what he did to me. My first thought is -- did I give off an aura, was there a scent, was I seductive in some way? And maybe what Mom did made me like that. I was a loner, an only child, I remember feeling almost girly at that age; he obviously heard her say again and again, don't hurt him don't be so rough when he got to know us and would roughhouse. Maybe that opened the door for when I was alone with him. Between trying to trust my memory and this feeling, it's very difficult to reconcile all the emotions today. And I also realize now why I spent so much time at theaters and peep shows and made myself available. Was I that way at age 10 too? Just unknowingly. More questions for the therapist. LOL
Larry
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top