csa wins again??.....

csa wins again??.....
M

md4e

Registrant
So it is the wee hours and I am alone in the dark.....
3 decades of marriage and it can still run my/our life
I know it isn't me but damn it hurts, I just want to feel safe.
How can he give this to me when he can't give it to himself,, the million dollar question.
All I know is that I hurt so bad, my soul hurts. I try so hard and know this isn't about me.
His story.... damn that's all I want. His personal version. He starts....but it seems to be a check list. No emotions, not first person.
I try so hard to listen, be there for him, I have questions tho....
I matter....it is not me. I love him have been there for him thru thick and thin...
I just wanted it in return. Emotional intimacy....
BUT NO....CSA and its damn leftovers
I want to scream at the top of my lungs.
I have grown learn....him????
I guess/know him and his love for me....but is it real....when the chips are down will he show up? I will show up for myself... that's what counts.
But when you want comfort.......
CSA has stolen that from both of us.
Sucks....
I'm just sad
 
md4e,

I'm not sure if I can say anything to help, but as someone who experienced CSA myself, so much of it is not only the physical, but it's the secrecy, the shame, feeling blame - BEING blamed. It's very hard to go against that ingrained behaviour and openly talk about it, even with loved ones - sometimes ESPECIALLY with loved ones.

Often too, the full story is buried so deep even from ourselves, for decades. I think I read somewhere on here that the average time for someone who has been through CSA to really become aware of it, is 20 years. It's been nearly 30 for me and what happened - what ACTUALLY happened, not just the version that my mother likes, of what really happened is only just clicking into place and making a bit more sense now.

The version of what happened that I told my now-wife before we were married, is different to what I would say now, and that can be hard too - it probably seems like I'm changing my story of what happened, but that's because I'm still remembering new details about what happened because only now, after all this time, am I strong enough, and the life I've built now allows me to feel safe enough, to open that box in my memory and clean it out a bit more. I don't even have control over that - I can't just fling it open and say "here - here it all is, now you know!" because it just happens - sometimes it might be something completely innocuous that triggers maybe even just a fleeting memory, and that might just linger in the back of my mind for a few days before opening to reveal a bit more.

Emotion is hard for a lot of us, our emotion was one of the key things that was preyed upon by those who hurt us, and it's very hard to open those walls when sharing what happened.

It's hard. It's hard for me, it's hard for my wife, and while I'm sure your situation is different, there are likely similarities, and no doubt it's hard for you and your husband too, but you have stuck by him and you are looking for answers, and that is good. If your husband isn't on this site, maybe see if you can encourage him to join. This is one of the greatest things that has happened to me in my healing.

Anyway, sorry I've rambled quite a bit, but I hope there's something in there that helps you and / or your husband.
 
Dear OgO,
Thank you so much for sharing. As always things look better in the light of day. I think grief gets the best of me and my showing emotions usually is a trigger for him to dissociate. Questioning him also does it, so having more than an ask and answer is rare, the want/need of a intimate conversation is overwhelming at times. But I have years of therapy to know I matter and my emotions are a result of a situation. Living with a survivor who dissociates makes for a lot of self talk that I'm not crazy(CSA is) and my needs matter.
He is amazing tho.....decades of abuse and everyone describes him as the nicest most caring man they have met....so me at home without intimacy is a challenge. And every now and then I don't do it 'pretty'. And I get it...I don't feel shame but he is seeped in it.
I get what you say about sharing, I get hung up on wanting to feel that he wants it better that he wants to share. It would help with my fears....now a day fears and the fear that comes with not knowing the secrets.....if they are to be kept secret it must be ?????
At this stage in life, after all the kids and work. I want what I thought both of us were working for. He says he does but the inaction is maddening.
Damn the damage this causes not only to him but all of us is crazy.
And I can't change any of it...just me
So up an at em and don't let this steal my day. Cuz I allowed it most of the night
And thank you again
 
Md4e - I feel it. I am riding on that same boat in those same terrible waters. CSA is robbing me of intimacy, romance, support, affection, emotional connectivity with the man I love more than life itself. And there isnt a single thing I can do to change it.

Ceremony - You have been so kind, and so supporting to us spouses here in this forum. Reading how you are not getting the support you deserve from your wife just hurts me deeply inside. I dont understand it. I just have to imagine that there was so much turmoil before things came out into the open that maybe she is still struggling with the reality of it all. I hope that she does get that therapy help, both for her and with you. You show such bravery and love....


Reading both of your posts got me thinking. 99% of the spouses are here on this forum because they WANT to support and help their CSA survivors, and it seems that a good 80-90% of the CSA survivors on this forum long for that dedicated support from thier spouse (or if they do not have that kind of relationship, have the desire and hope for one). I sure wish that I had a magic wand that would grant everyone what they want. I would open the hope and hearts of the CSA survivors who are living in a world of emotional denial because of fear and self loathing - so that they could feel the warmth of hope and real love. And I would open the hearts and minds of significant others who are in denial about the significance of CSA effects so that they can feel empathy, respect and that deep love "no matter what" that the SO's feel who are on this forum.


I would give anything for my husband to find that hope and belief in himself. But I am afraid that he will need to hit that rock bottom before he makes the decision to get the help he needs, and to rise up again. Its what the therapists have said, its what his mother has said... but you know, its very hard to watch someone you love so much make such bad decisions that harm not only those around them, but themselves.

I have begged and pleaded... I too have cried Md4e... so many tears. I wish to have that connection, that emotional support so badly from him. I hate what happened so much... and I have successfully been able to separate the real him, the gentle, kind amazing man inside versus the mask he wears of meanness, callousness, withdrawn, rude behavior. I dont know if you can do that or not with your husband, but maybe it will help you get through? For me, I have found that its easier to cut the emotional ties when I view it as separating from the mask. If and when that mask goes away - the man inside, the real man that my husband is (brave, kind, strong, gentle, loving - all the good things) will always be welcome in my life.
 
@Md4e 3 decades of marriage is amazing and such an inspiration to read...that you've been alongside your husband through so much, see the value of your own selfcare but also know that we all need a space to scream out at the effects of csa! No matter how strong we are for our so's we're affected too and need to vent unconditionally. Thank you for sharing, it's grounded me enormously to know that we're not super women, I had a massive melt down yesterday, so much anger towards his perpetrators hypocrisy in my head, I just wanted to scream... I shouted at the window cleaner instead for leaving the side gate open whilst our bunny rabbit was loose in the garden. How ridiculous to project at that poor soul. But today I've reflected, realised my triggers and as you say back up and at em! The abuse will not win.

@wontgiveup, I wish we had that magic spell too, it seems so ironic as you say that so many so's who have healed seem to say that to have partners who are alongside inspite of the effects has helped, others who's partners don't offer that unconditional love & here we are craving that our so's could trust us and know they are loveable.
 
From the day I said "I do" I made the decision to stay. No matter what. It has been so lonely and difficult - an I'm the survivor, not my wife. I imagine it has been lonely standing at my side, too. No, we don't know what it means to be intimate or to romance someone - those words spell F E A R and S H A M E to us. It can come back on us in a flash.....then vanish just as quickly. Then re-appear just as we think it's handled and as a special guest, you get to ride along and scream your self hoarse because you can't get off the ride, and it always looks like we're doing nothing to quell your fears because we're paralyzed with fear ourselves and we just sit tight until the ride slows down enough for us to bail out....but the damned seatbelt won't unlatch and the scary man who runs the ride laughs and presses the 'accelerator' button and off we go again - around and around and around and you and he cannot get off no matter how hard you try....its a cruel ride at a frightening carnival with the scary clowns and spooky people milling around laughing at us....I know, its an odd metaphor, but its one I use when attempting to explain the awful 'ride of life' when hooked up with a CSA survivor. Imagine living with that in your head 24/7.
Guess what I would have to say is - THANK YOU for staying. Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for being the faithful one on our lives. I've been married 35 years with 3 great children who have become terrific adults. They all know - most of the story anyway, the too-weird-for-words parts they do not need to know....but they know enough. Stay strong. Lose it if you need to. Cry when you need to, talk when you need to with safe people. Get what you need so you can stay grounded in what you need to do for your life.
As HealingHope said -The abuse will not win.
 
WG,
Thank you for what felt like a warm hug to my soul!
What and how you said it explains this "ride" so well. I think the hardest part is when...the time before you re-remember that you are on that ride, the confusion, sadness and ache for a connection.
That your husband loves you so much, but is so triggered that the lions share of the time he is dissociative. And that part of him wants/needs isolation. That means he reacts in ways towards me that push me away. And some days I'm so tired from not taking it personally, and the days that I want/need to be scooped up and taken care of tenderly...reassured that I will be OK. Because all the while I'm the spouse of a csa survivor, life is still happening and kicking my ass somedays. And like you said, if he looks over and I'm scared on the ride...poof he's gone. Which for me means that I have to look elsewhere for comfort and in our situation has an added ouch cuz my guy has a chronic illness that is also acute so I live very much in the present. Wow as I write that I see what an awful joke that is on me. Talk about polar opposites.
So I get up everyday and remind myself of all the great people and things I have. But I also know that if I don't do it pretty on any given day, it's not because I'm bad. I just got overwhelmed by my feelings, which are real. (Cuz that scary man hit the accelerater button)
Then it's....like I said on my 1st post
Up en at em
Thank you again, the help it gives me/us to 'hear' from a survivor is huge because i imagine it is what my husband would say if he could stay present and share!
D
 
WG,
Thank you for what felt like a warm hug to my soul!
What and how you said it explains this "ride" so well. I think the hardest part is when...the time before you re-remember that you are on that ride, the confusion, sadness and ache for a connection.
That your husband loves you so much, but is so triggered that the lions share of the time he is dissociative. And that part of him wants/needs isolation. That means he reacts in ways towards me that push me away. And some days I'm so tired from not taking it personally, and the days that I want/need to be scooped up and taken care of tenderly...reassured that I will be OK. Because all the while I'm the spouse of a csa survivor, life is still happening and kicking my ass somedays. And like you said, if he looks over and I'm scared on the ride...poof he's gone. Which for me means that I have to look elsewhere for comfort and in our situation has an added ouch cuz my guy has a chronic illness that is also acute so I live very much in the present. Wow as I write that I see what an awful joke that is on me. Talk about polar opposites.
So I get up everyday and remind myself of all the great people and things I have. But I also know that if I don't do it pretty on any given day, it's not because I'm bad. I just got overwhelmed by my feelings, which are real. (Cuz that scary man hit the accelerater button)
Then it's....like I said on my 1st post
Up en at em
Thank you again, the help it gives me/us to 'hear' from a survivor is huge because i imagine it is what my husband would say if he could stay present and share!
D
 
You are most welcome.......as for the re-posting...if that's the worst thing that happens this week, you're doing pretty well.....
 
Md4e, You certainly have described so well how things can be sometimes. I do think that when you are a spouse to a survivor, you cant do pretty every single day. Just like you said - life is still happening all around you, and it kicks my ass too - big time. And when I am breaking under the pressure and stress, I turn around to get help and support from my husband and he is no where to be found because its "too hard" to be there for me.

So - I soldier on. I keep pushing forward because its all I can do. I was doing it for both of us because he said we were working towards a better, happier, healthier future in recovery. But just when it seemed things were falling into place for us, he is bolting. Again.

It feels like a joke to me too. Its so very hard to not take things personally. But every day, like you, I wake up and try very hard to remind myself that its the mask of fear, self loathing and shame that I am facing and not the man who my husband truly is.

I hope one day he can take off that mask for good. If only he could see him the way I see him.
 
At this point, I won't have family on MS. I have no friends.

At this point, I'm imploding, and running with inward anger toward myself, a failure, the worst husband. Wanting, and unable to be a provider, to be the 'white man in my own privileged country, taking care of my family like a man should!'...

At this point...'you're a failure', 'this is all you're victim mentality, can't you just stop?!'

At this point...i'm begging strangers for love...


My home is toxic stress beyond my ability to endure, but endure it I must?! How the f am i supposed to endure it. my choice, so shut up idiot!!
 
It's interesting reading these posts from spouses who have the same problems my wife has with me. We've been together for 10 years and married for 6. I only discovered my own history of sexual abuse when our marriage was crumbling and we went to therapy together 3 months ago.

I always assumed my inability to connect with her or any of my past girlfriends when we had sex was because of my porn addiction. It certainly didn't help things but that wasn't it. As I started to tackle that problem more came to light. My therapist diagnosed me as having a dissociative disorder. We tried probing my memory to see what trauma had caused it. I assumed it was when I repeated the first grade. That hurt but there was something deeper. Random mental images and memories started coming to me over the course of a month or so. Finally I remembered what had happened to me. I was sexually abused by my neighbour when I was 4. She was 12.

The first time in my life it felt like I actually made love my wife said I looked terrified. I still am terrified. I've been seeing a counsellor all this time but it is still a process. I'm less dissociative now and more in tune with my body but I still have fears of disappointing her and hurting her when we have sex.

All I can tell you is that your spouses need to get therapy because the only way for them to ever heal and or open up emotionally is if they deal with the pain and trauma of what happened to them. Otherwise the prospect of intimacy is too much for a survivor as they associate it with the pain of what happened to them.
 
Hang in there Ceremony! I know the feelings of failure and worthlessness and self loathing. I had friends growing up with rougher childhoods than my own and generally had a loving family. I was privileged in many ways. It made it harder for me to acknowledge how fucked up I was from what happened to me. Since I've done the EMDR therapy I've felt more capable of living and less like a failure. Not sure your specific story but you should seek out a therapist to help you process the guilt and shame.
 
Hey my friend, you ARE loved. You may not understand how, but I believe there is a world of people that are looking for someone to just be kind and I know you are. I wish I was there with you we could meet for coffee and some lefsa. ( I developed a fond appreciation for it in school). But since Im here, just take my word for it, you my friend are loved. (((((Ceremony))))
Zoo
 
Ceremony - I am truly sorry you are experiencing the emotions you are experiencing. I wish that there was something I could do to show you that you DO have friends here. You for sure have me. I know that we have never met, but your words and kindness here have impacted me and HELPED me. That is what a true friend does - and you have been one to me, and I hope that I can be one to you as well.

I hope that you will reach out and get help with a therapist, they will know how to guide you through this road you are on. I can tell you that I am cheering you on, and wanting you to find that joy and peace you so deserve. EMDR is pretty amazing, my husband was doing it and it seemed to help (I think had he continued we would not be in the situation we are in now).

Just dont give up on recovery. You are worth it!

I wish your home life was not so toxic. :-( Maybe separating for a little while to find some grounding would help? I know for sure that your spouse should get therapy to understand better whats happening. Educating herself will be a gift not just to you but to herself.

Hang in there Ceremony - you are respected and cared for here even if we cannot express that in person.
 
Thank you WontGiveUp.

An inspiring moniker if there ever was!

My confusion, where I have trouble keeping my thoughts in line, or whatever that is, can be linked to the stress I endure from my wife.

I chose it, and keep choosing it. I've left twice in the past 10 years, and one of those times I filed for divorce. It failed when she refused to open the door to the summons, and then promised me marriage counseling. In my torment to help our young son, be there and endure her to be around our son, I have stayed. I'm a financial failure, and she's always been able to bring money in.

I am not to benefit from this, as it's "her money and I'm using her by not being a or the provider. She should have had it easier, for not being with her family. She is after all not from The U.S. and I am to blame for us not visiting them more. The derision is unbearable sometimes. She nor I have gotten along with my mom, and somewhat my sister. And I don't like to burden my dear brother. I haven't told him any of this, in fact almost nothing of anything.

My mom got some out of me, and I don't like telling her things. She can seem like she knows things, or acts it, and then makes it seem I don't, like I would figure things out as long as she helps me? My wife can seem to do the same, like I don't know things, so I am told . It's dominance, and I allow others to walk all over me.

I wrote about it just now in that other Forum.

Well, thanks for being here, to let me read the joy of women who support others. I cry about knowing, not having, feeling sorry for myself. Though, it is good to know, good to see, good to hope.
 
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