CSA is everywhere

CSA is everywhere
T

thetraveller

Registrant
I recently confronted my mother about her sexually abusing me and she is just denying it which is exactly what i expected. She was abused horrifically by her father which she told me about when I was still a little kid. All my life I've had the dark shadow of CSA over me.

I have now just found out the my dad was sexually abused as a child too but I'm the first person he has told. I knew he was beaten by his parents as a child but not the CSA. I now feel so guilty because I always thought my dad never cared about me as he never hugs me and I can only remember him telling me he loved me once in my entire life. I always though he was a hard, un-caring, piss head bastard but he was just trying to survive and provide for me. We just aren't close because we are both so emotionally closed off. I feel robbed of the chance of having any relationship with my parents and I feel absolutly gutted about it. He is now making an effort to build some bridges between us but I just don't feel anything for him. whats wrong with me that I can't even feel love for my dad? I feel empty and uncaring. I wish I could just turn it on but something inside me won't let me feel anything. It sucks and makes me feel like I'm evil inside with no capacity to love.

It feels like CSA has corrupted every aspect of my life and has defined who I am and I hate it. I feel like I was born to be a victim and destined to have this horrible thing in my life.

Sorry for going on feeling pretty low at the moment.
 
Both of your parents have totally let you down.
They should have known the impact they would have on their kid, if they have been through it themselves.

Right now, you must be feeling like a double grief thing inside.

He is going up a steep hill building bridges, and would you now want to do it!
The answer is always, the kid loves his dad no matter what.

Can you find the strength to get the whole family into counselling.
Maybe that is the only way around this particular problem.

If not, take a big step back, look at it from all angles, and choose whether you can accept him,

ste
 
perhaps eventually your father and you can repair your relationship, but you dont just start loving someone overnight. there are a lot of hard feelings there, and i confront the same thing. my parents are trying, but they were so distant and cold for so long, it will take a lot of time. i wouldnt force it. just let whatever happens happen.
 
Traveller,

As Phoster says, love isn't built in a day. It's a great thing that your father has opened up to you about this; it must have been terribly difficult for him.

His distance from you probably had a LOT to do with being abused as a boy. As an adult he was probably terrified at the thought that he might become like the abuser and hurt you, and that woudl explain why he was emotionally unavailable. This emptiness (you describe it very well!) is something that can be fixed, but it will take time. The fact that it exists doesn't mean you are evil or incapable of love.

You end with a sentence that describes how many survivors feel:

It feels like CSA has corrupted every aspect of my life and has defined who I am and I hate it. I feel like I was born to be a victim and destined to have this horrible thing in my life.
Click to expand...
That's how we so often FEEL, but it isn't true. Abuse doesn't define us; it is a crime committed against us by someone else. And yes, many of us feel doomed and doubt that we will ever get past these feelings. But that just shows how terrible and powerful the feelings are.

Recovery isn't easy, but it is possible, and I am convinced it is possible for ALL of us. It's a rough path, but surely worth the effort. What you get is your life back.

Much love,
Larry
 
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