CSA, disability, shame
August 1994, 3 major events took place:
-I joined AA (sober since then)
-I acknowledged for the first time that I had been sexually abused as a child,teenager and adult
-I was diagnosed with incurable sight loss, a slow degradation of my sight (retinitis pigmentosa)
It has become clear to me over the years how CSA has affected all areas of my life including the way I deal with losing my sight and how coming to terms with my sight loss is influencing the way I feel about CSA.
CSA has riddled me with shame and I feel shame at my sight problem. I am ashamed to talk about both of them.
Because my sight loss is incurable it has made me think about CSA as if I had lost a leg and if I live my life pretending nothing's wrong I fall on my face straight away, but if I ackowledge daily that I have a problem then I can take the necessary steps to live the life I want. Obviously some days I delude myself (I need to sometimes, a bit of denial now and again helps) and I get angry and frustrated as soon as I get reminded that I am emotionally/sexually impaired or visually impaired.
My sight problem will be with me for the rest of my life and I believe the same with CSA, it's how do I live with both of them, how do I take care of myself, stay on my side, which needs constant work.
I have learned that when my sight goes down I don't have to stop doing things but learn to do them in a different way and this has help me realize that it applies to my CSA. It's like I have lived in a cage, trapped by CSA when in fact there are ways of gaining independence.
In a way this site is a bit like my white stick, if I want to go out at night I need it, and if I am feeling lonely, ashamed, dirty, inspired etc etc I use this site to regain a perspective on my life.
In a "funny" kind of way my sight problem has been the catalyst for my sobriety and dealing with my abuse and accept my abuse in a way I might not have been able to otherwise.
I could not sleep last night because all this was on my mind so hopefully I am going to have a good night sleep tonight!!!
Heart
-I joined AA (sober since then)
-I acknowledged for the first time that I had been sexually abused as a child,teenager and adult
-I was diagnosed with incurable sight loss, a slow degradation of my sight (retinitis pigmentosa)
It has become clear to me over the years how CSA has affected all areas of my life including the way I deal with losing my sight and how coming to terms with my sight loss is influencing the way I feel about CSA.
CSA has riddled me with shame and I feel shame at my sight problem. I am ashamed to talk about both of them.
Because my sight loss is incurable it has made me think about CSA as if I had lost a leg and if I live my life pretending nothing's wrong I fall on my face straight away, but if I ackowledge daily that I have a problem then I can take the necessary steps to live the life I want. Obviously some days I delude myself (I need to sometimes, a bit of denial now and again helps) and I get angry and frustrated as soon as I get reminded that I am emotionally/sexually impaired or visually impaired.
My sight problem will be with me for the rest of my life and I believe the same with CSA, it's how do I live with both of them, how do I take care of myself, stay on my side, which needs constant work.
I have learned that when my sight goes down I don't have to stop doing things but learn to do them in a different way and this has help me realize that it applies to my CSA. It's like I have lived in a cage, trapped by CSA when in fact there are ways of gaining independence.
In a way this site is a bit like my white stick, if I want to go out at night I need it, and if I am feeling lonely, ashamed, dirty, inspired etc etc I use this site to regain a perspective on my life.
In a "funny" kind of way my sight problem has been the catalyst for my sobriety and dealing with my abuse and accept my abuse in a way I might not have been able to otherwise.
I could not sleep last night because all this was on my mind so hopefully I am going to have a good night sleep tonight!!!
Heart
