csa and your daily life

csa and your daily life
I

indygal

Registrant
first i want to apologize profusely for asking this question because maybe some of you don't want to acknowledge the answer - but i really want to understand this - and i think the answer is yes, but am not sure; i just don't want to underestimate the trauma and injury that survivors have experienced.

once you recover memories of csa, whether or not you have gone thru recovery and therapy, is csa something you live with on a daily basis? that is, do you ever forget about it? i'm not asking if you can live your life and be happy sometimes and do whatever it is you do - i'm asking do you ever stop thinking about it for more than a day?

because it's such a personal trauma and from what i've read here and because i'm not a survivor myself, it's just a little confusing to me. that is, the ms website is like always in the present, not in the past. everything on this board is the here and now. people talk about events that sometimes have happened a long time ago but these events seem to be very much in the present in their minds.

is it like that for all survivors pretty much?

again, i'm sorry for this question because maybe it's a little hard. i really want to understand.
 
well, i consider myself further along than many here. i am thriving, and i am happy. i am no longer depressed, but i am still a survivor. does it own me now? no. it is still a big part of me. i do tend to think about it in some form almost daily. it would be hard not to, coming here like i do, but i dont think that is a bad thing. see, when you dont think about it, you forget to do the things you need to be doing to stay safe and happy. the difference is that it doesnt control me and own me like it used to. i can go to a picnic or whatever, and i can totally enjoy myself now. the feelings and past are so strong that they overwhelm me now. they just are what they are. once you process all the pain and stuff, abuse is like most traumatic events, they are still there, but you dont feel them so much. if you have ever lost a loved one, it is like that in a lot of ways. you never forget you lost them, but those memories become less painful with time until you can function well despite what happened.
 
do the things you need to be doing to stay safe and happy
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have also seen this more than once - what does it mean? what is a survivor supposed to be doing to keep himself "safe and happy" outside of what anyone else does to promote well- being and happiness?

i.e., my bf has cultural interests outside his professional career but it's almost like he focuses so hard on these interests they become more than fun, they become work. i always wondered about this before, now i wonder if he's trying to keep his mind focused on something besides the csa? what i'm trying to say is he seems to do certain activities sometimes more because he needs to than just to have fun and sometimes it's like no matter what he does he doesn't really enjoy himself or find joy in his life.

i can say this safely and w/o worry that it's not about me; clearly he was like this when we met and i've seen him cheer up considerably over time and attributed it to our relationship but at the same time, he can still gets so depressed, and like i said, rarely seems to have any joy.
 
for me, keeing myself right means combatting negative messages and feelings. see, after a lifetime of being down on myself, it just doesnt go away. i still get bombarded with sadness and negative inner voices that tell me i am worthless and so on, but the difference is if i am vigilant i recognize those as being false right off. i recognize them as wrong, and can combat them with possitive internal arguments and set my mind right again instead of wallowing in the depression.

part of healing for me was slowing down for a time. you have to slow down a process things as they happen to you. you have to learn to think them through in a new way instead of running to the depression, i learned to process things in a new way. in time it got to be more and more automatic until now i just think in different terms. the thing is those old ways are very engrained and if i dont stay on my toes it is easy to fall back into old habits. coming here helps keep me focused.
 
Indygirl,

Have you ever seen a gall in a big, old tree, where the tree has grown over an old injury? The injury is long healed, but the process of healing has caused irrevocable changes to the tree.

To me, my abuse is the same thing. I am fully healed from the abuse and the ensuing trauma, but the event itself, along with the healing, has made me what I am today. Therefore it is not so much that I constantly think of the abuse and healing, it is that they are both such a part of me that I don't consciously think about them. Thoughts of my abuse are like a subtext to everything I do, but they are in there with a bunch of other thoughts that are equally, if not more important.

have also seen this more than once - what does it mean? what is a survivor supposed to be doing to keep himself "safe and happy" outside of what anyone else does to promote well- being and happiness?
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In Canada, every November 11 we observe Remembrance Day. Our official motto for Remembrance Day is "Canada Remembers." Our country paid a horrific price during the World Wars, and as citizens we have a duty to 'remember, lest we forget' the terrible sacrifice that Canadians paid during those dark times.

The point that Phoster is making is that reminding ourselves of our abuse is a constant act of remembrance. I would argue that a survivor doesn't do anything different from what anyone else does to stay happy, however, survivors need to pay more attention to _ensuring_ that they are happy. As with any old injury, abuse leaves a lot of pain behind, and it is easy to succumb to this pain if you let your guard down. This doesn't mean that survivors are hyper-vigilant (although some are), but that we do make a point of being aware of our feelings.

None of this means that we can't be happy. Remembrance is not wrong, nor is it a negative thing to do. For me, it is almost an unconscious act. If I feel myself getting down, for whatever reason, I find a way to cheer myself up. So it's really not that different from what everyone else does. I think the difference is that in cheering themselves up, survivors are at the same time silently acknowledging the sacrifices they have made so that they could be happy again.

Nobby
 
very well said Nobby. you captured what i was trying to say very well. i think everyone, survivor or not has to account for thier happiness, and we all have to ensure we do the things that lead to it. that means making sure you are speaking up for yourself and taking care that your needs and feelings are accounted for. being aware of our past doesnt control us or own us as i said it, but it is there under the surface, and the more healed you are, the further below the surface it becomes, but it is always there in some form.
 
Hi Indy, Nobby and phoster.

First off, to Nobby and phoster, wow, can you guys write! These are very important issues that survivors face and you've expressed your thoughts about them so eloquently so thank you!

Like phoster, I'm thriving, happy, and over the past 14 months, since settling a civil suit against the man who abused me, have been able to add some perspective to CSA and its part in my life. It's a lot like the healing tree reference above.

Is it a daily rememberence? Yes, because I too check the DB on an almost daily basis but it's different now and I attribute that to settling the lawsuit and meeting and supporting the wonderful people here at MS. The shame, anxiety, guilt, feelings of worthlessness, etc. due to the SA are gone now. They were sent back to the abuser where they rightly belong.

As to joy and happiness, may I share the following? Your bf's joy and happiness are his responsibility, just as your joy and happiness are yours. Sometimes, with the pace of modern life, we simply have to make the time to do and experience the things that make us happy. It's a tough lesson to learn and very easy to forget when work and family pressures start to build.

That's the time, though, when a personal time out is in order. I hope you and your bf take pleasure from the simple things because it's easy to take a break to go for a 10 minute walk, or put some music on, or just sit and relax.

So, to sum all this up. You asked if you ever stop thinking about it, even for a day. For me the answer is a qualified yes. When I think of what happened to me it's to clarify the responsibility I believe I now have to advocate for survivors and to help educate the public about CSA and its prevention.

Time for a walk ;-).

Thanks for listening.

Regards,

Paul
 
Indy,

That's a valuable question and you have received some excellent answers. Here's mine.

No, I don't think I will ever forget what was done to me. It's rather like the memories of a war veteran; do they ever forget the horrors of combat?

But at the same time I don't aim for forgetting, as I guess you can see from my posting performance on this site. I want to remember, so I can use my experience and what I have learned as a tool for action against CSA in general and for helping other brothers who are experiencing the same problems I had.

I don't consider myself recovered, but I am on the path and am confident in my progress. I know the abuse has affected me in ways that have affected me permanently, but I don't consider myself damaged. When I think of recovery I think of peace. I look forward to a day when I will be able face my memories without allowing them any further power to harm me or prevent me from living a joyful and fulfilling life.

Sexual abuse is about power - the power a twisted predator has to harm an innocent defenseless child. That's what gives pedophiles their thrill - their power. For me, the ultimate victory over CSA would be to render the abuser powerless to harm me any further, and to kick the props out from under as many other abusers as possible by helping their victims to heal, just as others before me have helped me.

I think sometimes, "You should NOT have messed with this one!", but not in any spirit of vengeance. For me the name of the game is truth and justice. More needs to be done to make the public aware of the danger of CSA. Survivors need to know that they are not doomed forever and that recovery is possible. And perps need to know there are people around who are determined to make sure they are tracked down and punished as harshly as they deserve.

Much love,
Larry
 
everyone,

my goodness, i'm simply at a loss as to how appreciative i am of your openess and sharing of your wisdom and personal stories.

thank you very much.
indy
 
Thanks indygal & everyone who responded,

This thread gives hope that recovery is possible and the struggles are not in vain. I've heard it before but it's good to hear it again in a different way.

Sunny
 
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