CSA affect on marriage & sexual behavior

[westsidej]

Hi everyone! First off, I wish all of you and your family, friends, therapists and others invested in your healing a Merry Christmas.

I've been on and off here for several years with many positive and some less than stellar interactions. Overall, this is a great tool for those seeking anonymous and even those out with their CSA and recovery. Here's my situation and hope there's others who can add some information and resources to this problem with my CSA healing and marriage.

I'm married to a very understanding wife who has put up with me since my CSA flashbacks started in 1999. Our marriage has been very tough to say the least on both of us and our sex life has been terrible due to my CSA and other triggers from childhood. While most of them have been addressed over the past decade in marriage and personal therapy, there's still one huge trigger from my abuse that is interfering with intimacy due to PTSD from so many failures with ED before or during sex.

For some reason, my abuse has caused me to have a very strong desire to see my wife have sex with other men. Even after all of the counseling and therapy over the years, it will not go away and has had some disastrous consequences on our marriage due to poor attempts to bring in another man. Does anyone else with CSA have these problems in their marriage? If so, how did you both work it out? Has anyone successfully opened up their marriage and still married?

While not seeking a bi-male specifically, due to my abuse I don't care if he is and have no problem with incidental contact or even a little more if all three of us are okay with it as long as my wife remains the primary focus. Thank you all for reading this thread and for the information and feedback. On or offline is okay for a response.

I hope all of you are calm, present and at peace (as much as you are able) this holiday season.

Yours in brotherhood,

J

 

[Sterling]

Its too bad , this is going on.
I hope you are good to yourself
and wish you have a pleasant weekend J.
Sorry I cant offer more; I lack experience in relationships.

Merry Xmas.

James

 

[Severe stammer]

Hello Westside
Please to meet you and yes what you are talking about wanting to have group sex or a threesome ruined my relationship and marriage and I lost everything , I would ask my wife to role play in the bedroom talking dirty which made us both climax , I was also addicted to adult porn to the extreme if I had taken cocaine , I don't know but in a way I didn't feel good enough to be with her and with being severely abused as a child mentally sexually and physically I was very mixed up and I also have a very severe stammer , so I tried to act confident but in social situations I felt rather ashamed ,I was molested by an older male from the age of 12 till I was 16 , he befriended me acting like a father figure , I was traumatised by my abuse by my own family and did not have a father figure , my mother had a brute of a boyfriend who,s only way of being was to bully me attack me and ridicule me , I lived in my bedroom or on the streets , I was easy prey , anyway the molesters sisters would ask me to baby sit , while they where out , he would come round drunk and with beer and he would get me drunk , he started to touch me and I ended up his sex toy not anal sex just oral and masturbation , I was lost I had no where to turn , I tried to have the odd girlfriend in the time but always to mentally ill ,
I had to stab him at 16 to stop the abuse , I stabbed him in his bedroom in his back , I was warned not to tell anyone as no one would believe me , when I left that situation I tried to have a few relationships with woman but I always suffered ridicule with my speech impediment of there friends and parents .
I could go on and on .
But that's why I had a very dysfunctional marriage , I di try to explain to my ex and her friends and family but was offerd no hep or understanding just ridiculed humiliated an interrogated .
I don't blame my ex now as she was as just as lost as me .
Im rebuilding my life im genophobic and I can not have a relationship with woman as it just turns to disaster .
I wish you all the Best with your future and I hope you keep up your therapy and you are so lucky to have a such loving understanding wife .
One other thing I enjoyed to use sex toys on my wife which she enjoyed and also gave me pleasure .
Hope what ive said can help you in some way .
Take care SS

 

[Severe stammer]

I also seen some of my abusers faces in my exes face while having sex , that freaked me out aswell .
I also went to high class prostitutes and one night stand to feel normal after we married something happened , and it turned into a living nightmare .

 

[Severe stammer]

I dodnt know ive tried to escape reality all my life , ive got an addictive personality , I felt dirty cheap , always tried to smile but inside I was ripped to pieces , im learning to stay positive , I live a healthy life style ,its nothing perfect .
I was driven round the bend , I have a very good compassionate understanding mental health team now .
Im learning to socialise properly ,
To meet other adults with mental illness and spend painting , , im going to cycle 5 times a week , im joining the gym .
Im going a conference to meet other people who live with stammers , ive got positive plans for change to help other adult males who are trapped in a living nightmare confused , ridiculed humiliated persecuted for having the balls to disclose , we did not choose our upbringing your childhood shapes who you become ,
It taken me 46 years to get the right help and support , there needs to be more early intervention society to say this man needs help this woman needs help this child needs help , Im disabled aswell I have a very severe stammer , don't want pity I want to heard and the only way I will do this is by standing up .
Have a Happy Holiday x
Therapist and mental health teams should give better support , I just wantd to sit in a room with my ex to someone who we could trust and let it all out without anyone laughing or taking you as a freak xxx
My ex wife was a very loving caring protective mother I can never deny that , but I was also a very loving caring protective father .
Im happy she has found love and someone not broken she deserves it and so do my children .
Im look at like a piece of shit xxx
The one with the only sin lol
I will rise again not for me money for change x

 

[Bowierocks]

I'm finding oddly my sex drive is out the window with the sudden uncovering of CSA. I do feel dirty and when I feel this way I don't want to spread it to my wife of 17 years . We often get at fights at night . She triggers me by the feeling she doesn't care or won't hear me , or tries to run my life so I feel powerless . Last night I suggested she doesn't really get it as I did not get it until 36 yesrs later . It must be hard for her to see her husband who she views as strong and provides for her in this weakend state . I suggested she might want to talk to other spouses in the same situation or survivors . She said no, she has a good grip on it . Yet she continues to trigger me , and a form of gaslighting, she is a good person but I am hurt and pissed .. When I feel dirty I want to go with an escort . But I am too paranoid about disease or getting thrown in jail and being exposed . It's almost like I am in trance . But sex is intense , I thought PTSD killed ones sex drive . I find myself flirting all the time . Anyway that's me .

 

[westsidej]

Severestammer,

Thank you very much for the reply and the insight. I also have a speaking problem and never associated it with my abuse until seeing your post. I wonder if my inability to speak clearly stems from my CSA? Without going into much detail, I did oral many many many times.

I wonder if it affected my ability to speak well along with the abuse itself?

But enough about me. That's a very tough way to end a relationship. I hope that your healing as well as possible. Take care and have a great weekend. Thank you for sharing your experience with me and ms.

J

 

[Armanix]

I always feel dirty,shame,guilt,fear. And I always do something to feel this feelings. Its ABSURD?