Crossroad

[Kieran1]

Yesterday was a long talk with my therapist,the day before my Affective Disorder Case Worker and Monday my psychiatrist. This has been one hell of a long week! To say the least I feel really tapped out. My energy level is low thus making me feel very vulnerable right now. There has been a lot of work with this Gestalt therapy still going on and I have reached the biggest "crossroad" so far I think. Underneath all the shame and guilt feelings(yes they are unfortunately still there,my therapist and I got to the topic of me questioning my own sexuality in terms of my feelings of confusion over my sexual orientation after the sexual abuse,which went on for a year. Because it went on for what I deemed such a long time there was and still lingers thoughts that somehow this was sex in a consensual way. Now I know you will all say that this is not so,but tell that to a 12 year old,who deep in his mind and soul was completely convinced of this! I have this trapped so deep inside that I link this to my problems over my fear of approaching members of the opposite sex when I was a teenager,certainly when I was in my later teens and early twenties. I was actually terrified that a woman would ask me for sex,especially some of the more aggresive ones I knew. I had at least one occassion that I was put into a situation where sexual intercourse was initiated by a woman of my age. Of course,I could not attain an erection and ran out of the room crying and apologizing at the same time. From then on at least for awhile I avoided intimate sexual situations,but it seemed that because I was in a large group of friends both male and female,the women seemed to realize I was a virgin and continued to try to seduce me(at least that was how I seemed to interpret it).I feel so certain that my loss of innocence as a boy who was abused contributed to all this. My therapist also feels that I created a wall around me,so well defended that I was going to let no one in and try to take more of that missing part of my normal sexual growth that I would normally have experienced had not the abuse occured. As I mentioned at the beginning I am at this"crossroad" as I perceive it to be where I can't choose what I am,what went wrong,am I normal?,am I somehow flawed(personality wise) or am I still carrying this sexual identity confusion thing. I really am confused now,more than I ever was.In fact,I still have that "wall" around me now,refusing to let everyone who is trying to help me in,the only one I can seem to reach is my younger self and he is still a screwed up kid. I look at his picture every day now!This is not a great pace to be.

 

[michaelb]

I feel your pain and confusion all too well...it sounds like you are kind of stuck in sexual limbo as am i....i've been told that most people develop a sense of sexuality at about age 5, so your's should be in there, you just have to find it...

my abuse began at 3-5 years old and then reoccurred when i was 11 and 15....from what my therapist tells me i was never able to develop a sense of sexuality or independence, because the timing and consistency of the abuse....then with the reoccurrances, and sense of sexuality or peace i experienced was ripped away....she said psychologically it was like reliving all the abuse over and over.....in fact guess i do that now, every day, every hour.....

do not know if sex will ever be possible for me, but my therapist tells me i'm making progress in altering my thought processes, so, who knows???? though i know sex is not that big a deal, it is really the intamacy i crave.....and am unable to obtain......take care......michael

 

[Mike Church]

Kieran; MichaelB makes a lot of sense.

I too have had trouble with it all my life. Sex with my wife of 35 years plus has been very difficult to say the least. Additionally I continued to act out my abuse until I was 56. I craved it and the violence that went with it like a drug addict or alcoholic. I am also a recoverd drug-addict (heroin) and a member of AA for the past 26 years.

You talk about intimacy. I always equated sex with winners and losers, and power. I now realize that intimacy is caring, sharing and being open an honest with someone. Everyone needs that; especially ourselves. Intimacy in a sexual context means sharing each other openly and freely. Now we were not given that were we: no matter how good it felt.

It is like we are starting over. As my P keeps saying to me " Do not let an action in the present immediately drag the past into the present. Easy to say but hard to do. Right? But I think that it takes practice and practice and then more practice till it becomes second nature like breathing.

Be gentle with yourself Kieran. The little boy inside is frightened. But I think the thing we fear the Most is fear itself. Then we are also afraid of the unknown and normal sexual intimacy is totally unknown to us. We have to practice

Hope this helps a bit. Remember we are all here for you.

 

[The Dean]

Hi Kieran,

If the little boy is screwed up we can all sure understand. But I think that what he might have mis-interpreted badly is that what he liked or enjoyed was the fleeting feeling of being special, or the rush of the secret stuff or things other than the abuse itself.

POSSIBLE TRIGGERS

I will tell you Kieran, that as I looked back, I realised some things that at first made me feel very bad about myself. The main perp I had was a guy who was a perfect 10 as a man. I really admired him and wanted to be like him. He treated me as very special when he was not brutalizing me. I wanted to be special to someone so badly that I think I was willing to be raped to feel that I was special to him.

My brother was 11 years older than I so he was off to the second world war before I much knew who he was.When he returned he was shell-shocked and very nervous the rest of his life. He lived 2000 miles from me--I really never got to know him. My Dad was a kind man, but he did not know much about being a father to me. So Alan, my perp stepped right in there for me. I darn near adored him.

Sure, I was so afraid and confused when after I had the iintimate act of giving him oral sex he then turned on me and beat the crap out of me and sodomized me, then strangled me. I truly felt he was going to kill me and I was so afraid when he hit me because it hurt so badly.

But, I think I convinced myself that I deserved it because I must have been a terrible disappointment to him.

My llittle kid deserves all my love and respect. I Suggest that yours does too. When you look at him tell him what a precious kid he is and how much you love him and promise to protect him as best you can. Assure him
Kieran, that he grows up to be a fine man--because that is the truth. I am willing to bet that you will change how you feel about yourself both as a kid and as a man.

Bob

 

[Kieran1]

Bob,

I have thought about what you and the others have said,and I am beginning to see where a lot of this is coming from now. You know that my abuser seemed to fill a gap in my life that maybe I didn't,in truth have at that time. Thinking back I feel that because I felt in one way special as you have put it,having a secret no one else knew,has influenced me more than I realize. Yes,there was all the stuff he did to me,oral sex,anal sex and I on one hand was scared to death of him,but because I trusted him was able to allow my self to let him do it. I don't have enough time right now to finish this,will get back to you later,but does what I am saying put more of this into perspective?