Crosspost - 1st relationship in years, confused.

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Crossposted from the general channel. Up Front, there's some sex talk in this post, so I want to make sure you all are aware - I don't want to trigger anybody!

To start, I am in the first sexual relationship I have had since I was 18. I am now 33 going on 34. I had other sexual encounter since I was 18 , but they were all one night things.

I have, for many years, enjoyed my time mostly alone, but also wanted to try having a relationship, and certainly felt like some sexual companionship would be nice too. Coincidentally, a mutual friend of mine got me in touch with a woman I'd met and been interested in years ago, and hadn't pursued.

I'm at odds - before we got sexual with each other, she'd stay over, and my heart would occasionally start racing when I saw her. The first time she stayed the night, I felt like I was going to make a mess in my shorts completely unprovoked (she hadn't intended to stay, but fell asleep on the couch while we were watching a movie, and I wasn't comfortable with her making an hour plus drive home).

Fast forward to last weekend, and we got intimate with each other for the first time. We talked about a lot of stuff before hand - I told her I felt like I didn't really know how to be sexual, and that I needed a lot of direct and obvious signals from her. She knows the reason I restrain myself or won't know what to do in bed is that fundamentally, my view of sex is that it can be "fun", but also something shameful or aggressive, and that I felt like I was doing things to her I shouldn't. I also told her how it feels like I can't allow the sexual side of my personality to be a larger part of my personality right now, just because I never had a chance to let that BE a part of my personality, so it's only in certain situations that I feel comfortable being that way and need really clear signals that that's desired.. She's also aware of my abuse and how that POV is a result of it.

No intercourse that night, but pretty much everything else. Neither one of us finished that night, but I got her off the next morning. We cuddled, I made her breakfast, and then she went home.

She ended up coming back later that night because of a fight she got into with her family, and so I offered to let her stay the night. She was pretty shook up, so no sexy stuff. It felt nice to know I could be of some comfort.

She stayed two nights this weekend - Friday I was exhausted from Thanksgiving and went to bed early. I got confused because she started touching me, and I was very obviously aroused but also exhausted. She said I didn't have to do anything and to just relax and close my eyes, and that she was just doing it because she found me sexy and wanted to touch me, and that she'd stop if I wanted her to. I didn't want her to stop, but also told her I wasn't in the mood to do anything to reciprocate, and again, she just told me to relax and I eventually fell asleep.

The next day was just hanging out around here, both of us doing work stuff. Later that night, we watched a movie and ended up in bed again. Still, no intercourse, but she gave me the first orgasm I'd had with another person in 10 years. Again, I asked if I could reciprocate after, but she said she just wanted to snuggle and that she'd had her fun just playing with me and watching and listening to how I reacted to what she did. Again, we fell asleep.

This morning we had all morning to mess around, but she didn't seem to be in the mood at all - I offered if she wanted to join me in the shower, etc, and she passed. Then when she went to leave, she lingered like she wanted to stay. I got really confused by this, and it started to feel like I was kicking her out, which I didn't like.

I'm a bit confused and anxious about things right now - first, I feel like she's developed feelings that are stronger for me than mine are for her. 2nd, we've both talked about how we're busy people and also introverts who need down time. 3rd, we've had so many conversations about communicating ESPECIALLY around anything sexual. I do like spending time with her, but today I felt like after two days together and me being clear that I had a lot to do, and then her acting like she wanted me to take her upstairs but not saying anything (and I did ask), she made things really confusing for me, and that in turn made me want her to leave even more.

I feel like a huge asshole for feeling that way, too, because we have been intimate (only thing we haven't done is intercourse) and obviously feelings are going to develop around that, but I just felt like some boundaries or expectations we'd set got crossed and it did not leave me feeling good .

I enjoy it when she touches me and love it when we're in bed and she "takes charge". We laugh a lot together. I enjoy being able to be emotionally supportive. I am starting to feel like I'm leading her on by not being head over heels about her when it seems like she feels that way about me. We've talked about what it means for us to be in a relationship and had both said we were two busy people who lived far away, just enjoying each other's company, but I am starting to feel like we're getting to the "I love you" territory, and I don't feel that way, at least not now.
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