Cross Dressing **** TRIGGERS ****
Cross Dressing **** TRIGGERS ****
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That's nothing to be embarrassed of in this setting. Thanks for taking the effort and stress of sharing this.
Understanding the basis behind your actions/reactions IS a great relief.
I struggled with 'acting out' some things because I knew that they were rooted in my abuse. I wanted to do them and didn't want to do them and thought I knew why. Then I came to the realization it was instead of being forced to do those things, I was doing them on my own choice. Then I realized that I also had the choice of not doing them. The choice was mine! Eventually I did choose to do some of them, it was a much different experiences performing xxx by force and manipulation, and by fear, and by my own free will.
I can do those things, or not do those things, by my own free will despite the framework of my abuse. The abuses I went through took a lot from me, but I will not let it take away the ability to do something I want to do, even if it is something related to my abuses.
One of those things was to have sex while crossdressing, after many years of hiding my crossdressing and suppressing in, about two months ago I finally did.
Wow Bill. I finally encountered someone here who has experience with this world. If you read more deeply into this thread you would find I'm working with this right now pretty much as you describe what served you. I don't imagine dressing in women's undergarments will lead to wearing it while having sex simply because I don't have a partner or friend with whom I'm likely to be sexual. I've reached an age where testosterone is abandoning me and my sexual ardor is much diminished. Regardless of the place crossdressing takes in my life, I seek the freedom you mention... to engage if I wish or stop if that feels true... either choice made without shame. Thanks for sharing some of your experience. I'm very happy you've found some peace of mind after years of working with the residue of trauma you carried. This is work each of us is doing in our own way.
I guess this thread is becoming a bit of a journal for how my exploration of this part of my journey is unfolding. I've been reading and posting on a couple of forums devoted to transgender matters, including crossdressing. I'm amazed how many men are exploring these matters, ranging from men who simply crossdress to men dedicated to transitioning to becoming women. I know from my fascination with transexuals that such things happen and I've seen videos on YouTube of young men transitioning, often into very beautiful young women. I definitely am captivated by it all, no doubt because of my own confusion about gender. But these websites are less populated by young people making a change than by older men who've lived their lives, often as married men who dress occasionally or even regularly. Yesterday I read a thread in which the question was asked, who among the crowd are in law enforcement. There were perhaps ten members who said yes. Everyone has a username that is feminine. So these police officers are crossdressing, perhaps by wearing panties beneath their uniforms, but definitely wearing feminine clothes when off duty. Questions about acceptance by a partner, whether to tell children, whether to go out in public... all demystify this world that has carried so much shame for me my whole life. Now it is clear that while the behavior has roots in early trauma, that fact does nothing to dissolve how my body/mind relates to my own body, my sexuality, my attraction to lingerie. I guess I need to keep exploring this world. I know I've no interest in becoming a woman... or even shaving my beard. Otherwise, it is simply play without shame.
There are 67 men on this website as I write this. There are 361 viewing the thread Male to Female Crossdressers at one of the websites I visit. Imagine that. Of course, those men are less interested in understanding their behavior than they are in releasing the shame they've carried for acting out that way. They do that in a variety of ways, sometimes sharing photos of themselves dressed and complimenting one another on appearance and taste in clothes, makeup... presentation. I also am dressing though I'm not interested in dresses or skirts or blouses or wigs or makeup. I wear a brassiere from time to time and because of my time on that website I'm not shaming myself for the behavior. But then I'm not celebrating my femininity either. I'm exploring the feeling which has been a companion since I was 12 years old and put on a brassiere for the first time. I KNOW this behavior is all about self-soothing and I understand I was led to this particular method because of the shape of trauma I experienced. There is something about feeling the band around my chest, the straps over my shoulders, the cups holding my breasts that is comforting. I can feel myself relax.
This morning I had a memory of my god daughter who is now 31 years old when she was 2 years old. I visited her mother at home and we were having a conversation. I was taking a graduate course in child development at the time. Claire was on her mother's lap as her mother and I talked. Claire unbuttoned the front of her mother's blouse and spread the panels to expose naked breasts that doubtless were available for nursing. Claire leaned back and I saw her head swing right and left as she gazed at those full breasts. My mother was full-breasted and she nursed me. Nursing was not uncomplicated for me because of my mother's anxiety and during those months and years she was doing things to me sexually that were very disturbing. How that affected my relationship to her breasts I have no idea. But is that history at play in my feeling comforted by wearing a brassiere? I don't know, but it is far better to explore this experience with curiosity than using it to shame myself.
I came upon the article below. It says that the best response to crossdressing is to find means to accommodate to the behavior since it can't be changed. It is funny to read that after reading decades ago a quote in one of the leading texts of solution-focused therapy by Milton Erickson who intervened with a man who was crossdressing. Erickson said "Isn't it time to get over this silliness?" It seems the stance being taken therapeutically has changed quite a bit.
Male Cross-Dressers in Therapy: A Solution-Focused Perspective for Marriage and Family Therapists
In reality, each of us has cobbled together a life that allows us to manage the fragmentation caused by trauma. Often the behaviors we turn to create more problems. They are typically rooted in the trauma, so acting them out perpetuates shame and confusion. We invariably find others with whom to relate and our coping mechanisms are either buried or acted out with others who carry the residue of their trauma. If we're lucky, we find a way to heal that which causes us the deepest pain, perhaps through the give and take of a relationship, perhaps with the help of a therapist or spiritual guide. Or we live lives of quiet desperation and remain trapped by what happened to us in the past. I'd like to believe the men who found their way to this website have a chance to heal... that telling the truth to men who won't judge us but who will support our efforts to change... will have a healing result. That is what I'm doing in relationship to this one particular behavior. I believe it is a template for how I can relate to everything I've done to survive... to unpack it with kindness. How I live my life going forward isn't clear, but I know I want to be gentle with myself. I've demeaned myself long enough.
This morning I had a memory of my god daughter who is now 31 years old when she was 2 years old. I visited her mother at home and we were having a conversation. I was taking a graduate course in child development at the time. Claire was on her mother's lap as her mother and I talked. Claire unbuttoned the front of her mother's blouse and spread the panels to expose naked breasts that doubtless were available for nursing. Claire leaned back and I saw her head swing right and left as she gazed at those full breasts. My mother was full-breasted and she nursed me. Nursing was not uncomplicated for me because of my mother's anxiety and during those months and years she was doing things to me sexually that were very disturbing. How that affected my relationship to her breasts I have no idea. But is that history at play in my feeling comforted by wearing a brassiere? I don't know, but it is far better to explore this experience with curiosity than using it to shame myself.
I came upon the article below. It says that the best response to crossdressing is to find means to accommodate to the behavior since it can't be changed. It is funny to read that after reading decades ago a quote in one of the leading texts of solution-focused therapy by Milton Erickson who intervened with a man who was crossdressing. Erickson said "Isn't it time to get over this silliness?" It seems the stance being taken therapeutically has changed quite a bit.
Male Cross-Dressers in Therapy: A Solution-Focused Perspective for Marriage and Family Therapists
In reality, each of us has cobbled together a life that allows us to manage the fragmentation caused by trauma. Often the behaviors we turn to create more problems. They are typically rooted in the trauma, so acting them out perpetuates shame and confusion. We invariably find others with whom to relate and our coping mechanisms are either buried or acted out with others who carry the residue of their trauma. If we're lucky, we find a way to heal that which causes us the deepest pain, perhaps through the give and take of a relationship, perhaps with the help of a therapist or spiritual guide. Or we live lives of quiet desperation and remain trapped by what happened to us in the past. I'd like to believe the men who found their way to this website have a chance to heal... that telling the truth to men who won't judge us but who will support our efforts to change... will have a healing result. That is what I'm doing in relationship to this one particular behavior. I believe it is a template for how I can relate to everything I've done to survive... to unpack it with kindness. How I live my life going forward isn't clear, but I know I want to be gentle with myself. I've demeaned myself long enough.
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The most powerful & uplifting words to read.
I've been working at it for a long time Northmale... slowly finding compassion for myself... what I call the antidote to shame. We know a great deal about shame, so learning to be gentle with ourselves isn't easy. Doing that with the behavior that created the greatest confusion and shame for me... crossdressing... feels very important. Honestly, when I arrived at Male Survivor I didn't expect I would ever say anything about that part of my journey. I recently read my introduction post and there is no mention of this... so months later when I finally decided to create this thread it was both a great risk and great relief... to simply tell the truth of how I navigated the residue of sexual trauma I carried all these years. I also had no idea when I started this thread almost fifteen months ago where it would lead me... into the many worlds where crossdressing, gender transitioning, men dealing with gynecomastia by putting on brassieres, are explored. Everyone is looking for acceptance, to move beyond the shame inherent in the ways we find to survive this human journey. I guess we're all survivors in one way or another... one form of trauma or another. I'm happy if anything I say can uplift another person. Glad you stopped by and did a bit of reading...
I realized the last few days that I've fallen down the rabbit's hole with everything I've mentioned on this thread. My intention was to give myself permission to engage with these mind states and behaviors to see how they relate both to the trauma I've carried and who I am at this point in my healing journey, or even my life journey for that matter. What I'm coming to realize is that each facet of the worlds I touch is rooted in dis-ease whose source is seldom explored or understood. I'm confident I know the crossdressing arises specifically from the piece of silk my mother used to stimulate my genitals. Regardless of what that behavior represented for her, it was profoundly disorganizing for the little boy I was. Spending time online with men who crossdress I really had no interest in joining them in celebrating their world of illusion. I greatly appreciated their support for each of us to find self-acceptance. That is something I sorely need... the rest not so much.
That carried next into coming to terms with the reality that gynecomastia is changing my body as I age. I've had a hormone imbalance from puberty so the fact it continues as I age shouldn't come as a surprise. The question was how do I respond to that reality. I met men who took that reality as an occasion to have endless conversations about breasts and brassieres. Again, there is nothing here that needs to be shamed, but like crossdressing, it can occupy significant mind space. It takes one away from the reality of the moment as effectively as porn, alcohol, drugs. I've felt that the last three weeks. As I read through what I've written here and on a number of other websites I see how it all grabbed a hold of me. I realize I don't want to spend time that way... if I really want to claim my aliveness I have to do it in THIS moment... not sometime in the future. I can love myself through all these distracted/obsessive adventures and can say it is time to move on. I'm curious about how all this will unfold in the coming days and weeks.
That carried next into coming to terms with the reality that gynecomastia is changing my body as I age. I've had a hormone imbalance from puberty so the fact it continues as I age shouldn't come as a surprise. The question was how do I respond to that reality. I met men who took that reality as an occasion to have endless conversations about breasts and brassieres. Again, there is nothing here that needs to be shamed, but like crossdressing, it can occupy significant mind space. It takes one away from the reality of the moment as effectively as porn, alcohol, drugs. I've felt that the last three weeks. As I read through what I've written here and on a number of other websites I see how it all grabbed a hold of me. I realize I don't want to spend time that way... if I really want to claim my aliveness I have to do it in THIS moment... not sometime in the future. I can love myself through all these distracted/obsessive adventures and can say it is time to move on. I'm curious about how all this will unfold in the coming days and weeks.
Dissociated1
Registrant
They walk a very different path; we are a threat to their illusion.
The folks in the world of crossdressing certainly weren't interested in any of the possible explanations for the behavior I presented in my posts, so doubtless you're right.
Interesting coming back to this thread after two months and reading my last post. I said i was curious about how the shift I was experiencing at that time would unfold. Right now I'm pretty much in the same place... claiming my aliveness in this moment. I haven't been resisting any feelings that would lead me into these behaviors and they simply aren't arising. I'm so glad I visited every place I did over those three months of exploration and I would never suggest I'll not go back to one or another of them. But I don't seem to need them at this moment. I'm experiencing a sense of peace in myself that I don't wish to leave. Hypervigilance doesn't seem present and the anger that has been the other constant companion of my life has pretty much dissolved. I feel an occasional contraction but I simply witness it coming and going. There is no need to attend to it beyond that.
I think I've been so in the grip of shame because of my sexual proclivities that I was trapped in the residue of trauma. Dissolving the shame by embracing the behavior and standing in self-compassion changes the game completely. What a remarkable process. I make no claim about anything... but I am enjoying the peace of this moment. A funny thought crosses my mind. When I completed a year long group process in graduate school the instructor gave me a stuffed lion and said she had a sense of me as a lion finding his place to settle. That was 34 years ago. It feels as though I've finally found that place... brings tears to my eyes.
Interesting coming back to this thread after two months and reading my last post. I said i was curious about how the shift I was experiencing at that time would unfold. Right now I'm pretty much in the same place... claiming my aliveness in this moment. I haven't been resisting any feelings that would lead me into these behaviors and they simply aren't arising. I'm so glad I visited every place I did over those three months of exploration and I would never suggest I'll not go back to one or another of them. But I don't seem to need them at this moment. I'm experiencing a sense of peace in myself that I don't wish to leave. Hypervigilance doesn't seem present and the anger that has been the other constant companion of my life has pretty much dissolved. I feel an occasional contraction but I simply witness it coming and going. There is no need to attend to it beyond that.
I think I've been so in the grip of shame because of my sexual proclivities that I was trapped in the residue of trauma. Dissolving the shame by embracing the behavior and standing in self-compassion changes the game completely. What a remarkable process. I make no claim about anything... but I am enjoying the peace of this moment. A funny thought crosses my mind. When I completed a year long group process in graduate school the instructor gave me a stuffed lion and said she had a sense of me as a lion finding his place to settle. That was 34 years ago. It feels as though I've finally found that place... brings tears to my eyes.
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@Visitor thank you for the update. I have anguished this evening as I continue to wrestle with residue of my trauma. Your post brought me joy and peace.
I love your focus on the moment. My T continues to advocate for a better appreciation of now and the reality that it is all any of us really have.
I loved what you said that "embracing the behavior and standing in self-compassion changes the game completely". I experienced that after years of shame about my SSA fantasies. When I considered earlier this year that I might be heterosexual I realized that i didn't really care. It is ironic that when I finally embraced my SSA fantasies for the role they have played helping me respond to my CSA, it seems like their power over me diminished. My sexuality is what it is. I sometimes feel drawn back to the shame but also have more moments of self-compassion about the difficult road my sexuality has been.
Though the circumstances of our lives are different in so many ways, across Male Survivor we have much in common as throw off the shackles of our past to live in the here and now. Thank you for sharing so much of your journey with us. My life has repeatedly been blessed because of your willingness to live your life among us.
I love your focus on the moment. My T continues to advocate for a better appreciation of now and the reality that it is all any of us really have.
I loved what you said that "embracing the behavior and standing in self-compassion changes the game completely". I experienced that after years of shame about my SSA fantasies. When I considered earlier this year that I might be heterosexual I realized that i didn't really care. It is ironic that when I finally embraced my SSA fantasies for the role they have played helping me respond to my CSA, it seems like their power over me diminished. My sexuality is what it is. I sometimes feel drawn back to the shame but also have more moments of self-compassion about the difficult road my sexuality has been.
Though the circumstances of our lives are different in so many ways, across Male Survivor we have much in common as throw off the shackles of our past to live in the here and now. Thank you for sharing so much of your journey with us. My life has repeatedly been blessed because of your willingness to live your life among us.
Morgan McCall
Registrant
(((Hugs)))
That's very kind of you to say Greg. I spent the middle of the day today with my former wife. We had a very painful separation shortly before I began posting here early last year. I'd told her I hadn't used porn in four or five months thinking it was great accomplishment, but she felt betrayed, believing I'd stopped twenty years ago after we'd separated and divorced. Our relationship is generous, kind, loving but different. She cut my hair this afternoon while I did my laundry at her home... and we talked about how amazing these two years of recovery have been for both of us. She's been dealing with her trauma that wasn't sexual but certainly significant, while I began unpacking the sexual trauma I'd touched twenty-five years ago but never understood or resolved. I continued to dissociate by using porn, alcohol and food. It was intermittent but I was never able to stay in the present moment, despite the hundreds of books I read on Buddhism and psychology. During this time I've shared everything with her, including all I talk about on this thread.
Blessedly, I stumbled on Male Survivor in 2017, though I didn't spend any time here for two years. But when I returned early in 2019, I was really motivated to do this work. The most important relationship in my life had just shattered and I had no idea how I was going to survive. My willingness to live my life among all of our MS brothers came more from desperation than generosity. I was inspired by the truth tellers here, enough so that I began telling my truth. As I mentioned above, I didn't tell the truth about crossdressing until I'd been here a few months. (Granted it had been perhaps forty years since I last indulged that behavior, but it was there in my psyche.) What I learned from others is that there is no possibility of healing if I can't tell the truth. That was the wedge that began to break open the shame that had consumed my whole life, which eventually led to the exploration I write about above. As we've both come to understand, when we stop rejecting aspects of ourselves, the power of those fixations diminishes. The old adage... what resists/persists seems clear.
There really isn't anything about any of us that matters more than finding relief from the pain we carry because of sexual trauma. We support one another as best we can. None of us has to do any of this alone. Having spent my life pretending to be okay while carrying secrets I couldn't share with anyone... I know what it is like to feel alone. I don't feel that any longer and I'm grateful beyond words.
Thanks Greg. Thanks Morgan. I'll see you on the board.
Blessedly, I stumbled on Male Survivor in 2017, though I didn't spend any time here for two years. But when I returned early in 2019, I was really motivated to do this work. The most important relationship in my life had just shattered and I had no idea how I was going to survive. My willingness to live my life among all of our MS brothers came more from desperation than generosity. I was inspired by the truth tellers here, enough so that I began telling my truth. As I mentioned above, I didn't tell the truth about crossdressing until I'd been here a few months. (Granted it had been perhaps forty years since I last indulged that behavior, but it was there in my psyche.) What I learned from others is that there is no possibility of healing if I can't tell the truth. That was the wedge that began to break open the shame that had consumed my whole life, which eventually led to the exploration I write about above. As we've both come to understand, when we stop rejecting aspects of ourselves, the power of those fixations diminishes. The old adage... what resists/persists seems clear.
There really isn't anything about any of us that matters more than finding relief from the pain we carry because of sexual trauma. We support one another as best we can. None of us has to do any of this alone. Having spent my life pretending to be okay while carrying secrets I couldn't share with anyone... I know what it is like to feel alone. I don't feel that any longer and I'm grateful beyond words.
Thanks Greg. Thanks Morgan. I'll see you on the board.
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Sossity
Registrant
You are strong friend, your story is trueing inspirational. As I sit with the fragments of my inner self and start a dialogue with the pieces that need to be heard. You have given me hope that each piece of my past can feel the compassion they need to be able to heal and be at piece. Thank you once again Visitor.
TMel
Registrant
From 5th grade on, I always had a female wardrobe (hidden in the bunks we built in the woods). My grade school playmate was a female, she introduced me to sex (she learned from videos she watched at an aunt's house). We had sex regularly with me dressed as a girl. I accepted the trans part of me when very young, although I didn't know what I was until I was 16.
I also accepted my promiscuity, and when I merged that with the crossdressing (going to crossdressing parties), I found a whole new pool of partners; first other CDs and then men.
While I don't blame my transgenderism on my trauma, I have seen many who feel that way. Perhaps it is a less severe of DID?
Along with all this baggage I also have ADHD. My best friend was an educator (with ADD) who worked with the most severe autistic children. We have discovered that ADD/ADHD is a spectrum disorder, we both exhibit spectrum symptoms beyond ADD/ADHD. For her, she likes tight body suits, thigh highs, trisuits, etc. These are all sensory stimuli associated with spectrum disorders.
She said at her school, they had weighted vests that calmed the autistic children. My best friend is mentally male, but she fully transitioned her body to female because she liked the clothes. I always say, women have more choices in clothing. I always enjoyed sex wearing high heels, silky thigh highs, tight corsets, and sheer panties. Women's clothing has a strong sexual stimulating quality to it.
This is something that men's clothing lacked. For me, female clothes feel natural. I am attracted to the feminine. I can easily have sex with 20 men in one night (and I have on more than one occasion), but I can not have the intimacy that I can with women (including transwomen) with men.
Where I am at now, living full-time, has taken away one stressor that I had to deal with. I feel like me. I am not a woman, I am nonbinary, gender fluid, and alpha (as in alpha male/female), and I prefer to present as female. Transgender is the simple answer.
I don't know what this adds to the conversation, but I am finding I am understanding myself better being on MS. Thank you all for sharing, and I hope that I have added to the healing.
I also accepted my promiscuity, and when I merged that with the crossdressing (going to crossdressing parties), I found a whole new pool of partners; first other CDs and then men.
While I don't blame my transgenderism on my trauma, I have seen many who feel that way. Perhaps it is a less severe of DID?
Along with all this baggage I also have ADHD. My best friend was an educator (with ADD) who worked with the most severe autistic children. We have discovered that ADD/ADHD is a spectrum disorder, we both exhibit spectrum symptoms beyond ADD/ADHD. For her, she likes tight body suits, thigh highs, trisuits, etc. These are all sensory stimuli associated with spectrum disorders.
She said at her school, they had weighted vests that calmed the autistic children. My best friend is mentally male, but she fully transitioned her body to female because she liked the clothes. I always say, women have more choices in clothing. I always enjoyed sex wearing high heels, silky thigh highs, tight corsets, and sheer panties. Women's clothing has a strong sexual stimulating quality to it.
This is something that men's clothing lacked. For me, female clothes feel natural. I am attracted to the feminine. I can easily have sex with 20 men in one night (and I have on more than one occasion), but I can not have the intimacy that I can with women (including transwomen) with men.
Where I am at now, living full-time, has taken away one stressor that I had to deal with. I feel like me. I am not a woman, I am nonbinary, gender fluid, and alpha (as in alpha male/female), and I prefer to present as female. Transgender is the simple answer.
I don't know what this adds to the conversation, but I am finding I am understanding myself better being on MS. Thank you all for sharing, and I hope that I have added to the healing.
I've seen your avatar on the board and thought perhaps there was something there of note. Welcome Mel. It would be nice if there were a clear explanation for how we end up being the people we are and for the choices we make. My own journey of exploration has been very unsettling but I've been learning how to accept myself as I am. We survive in precisely the ways we do... I've no idea whether there is a link between what happened to you as a boy and how you are navigating your life. I mention the sexual abuse by my mother using a silk petticoat to massage my genitals in the crib. I also have a memory of the perpetrator who raped me when I was seven saying that if I told anyone what happened he'd tell them I was "really a girl."
I haven't given any thought to transitioning, though I've read quite a bit about it on a number of websites devoted to crossdressing and transgender issues. But I still find comfort in wearing a brassiere from time to time. I no longer interpret it as "acting out behavior" but rather as a familiar way of soothing myself. Perhaps that was what you were doing as a boy. I'm glad you posted a comment on this thread. I'm not especially focusing on these issues at the moment, but I'm glad I told the truth about this experience. I believe I understand it now... there is no shame in what I'm doing... any more than there is shame in you taking the path you're following. I wish you well. Take exquisite care of yourself.
I haven't given any thought to transitioning, though I've read quite a bit about it on a number of websites devoted to crossdressing and transgender issues. But I still find comfort in wearing a brassiere from time to time. I no longer interpret it as "acting out behavior" but rather as a familiar way of soothing myself. Perhaps that was what you were doing as a boy. I'm glad you posted a comment on this thread. I'm not especially focusing on these issues at the moment, but I'm glad I told the truth about this experience. I believe I understand it now... there is no shame in what I'm doing... any more than there is shame in you taking the path you're following. I wish you well. Take exquisite care of yourself.
TMel
Registrant
My avatar is me today.
As I stated, female attire looks and feels so much better than men's wear. Just look at jeans: man's straight leg, relaxed fit or women's skinny jeans with tall boots or wedge heel booties. Just sexier.
I have also identified with so many of your posts. Being here has validated my feelings and helped me understand myself MORE. As you say, we may not figure out the "why," nut I will take it.
Thank you for your contributions.
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That's kind of you Mel. I know being on Male Survivor for the past two years has helped me come to terms with the trauma I experienced as a boy. A large part of that has been the willingness of men here to speak about uncomfortable things. Telling the truth is liberating because it is in secrets that our shame flourishes. Of course, it took me a great many years before I could look squarely at what happened to me as a boy and only then was I able to make sense of it all and find compassion for the journey I've taken. This is important work AND we each approach it in our own way. Glad you're finding something here that speaks to you.
I have been dealing with these same issues of wanting to act out in the form of crossdressing. I find it embarrassing, because my incident of abuse was a Halloween night when I was wearing a yellow dress. I have IDed a neighbor woman who had taken me down a hall so I could use the bathroom. When I struggled getting the tights I was wearing back on, she kneeled next to me and fondled me saying, "girls don't have these." I felt dirty, ashamed and I just wanted to get home and take off the dress.
When feelings of sexual abuse come over me, I find myself retreating to the zone of crossdressing safety. I actually want to take part in the activity, but the me I am now knows that my wife would be offended and that I really would not feel better. Still there are the desires to take this route.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I can only hope and that we all get through this.
When feelings of sexual abuse come over me, I find myself retreating to the zone of crossdressing safety. I actually want to take part in the activity, but the me I am now knows that my wife would be offended and that I really would not feel better. Still there are the desires to take this route.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I can only hope and that we all get through this.
You're fortunate DPM to be able to make that connection. It took me a long time to understand where that urge came from, which meant, of course, that I lived with a great deal of shame when I indulged in the behavior. I know from the exploration I did last year in the crossdressing world that it is rare a wife or partner is willing to support their partner in pursuing this behavior. Since it clearly is connected to the trauma, another way to approach it is to simply acknowledge the part of yourself that wants to do this with the recognition that there is likely something triggering the early feeling of shame you experienced before. In truth you have one part that wants to indulge in the behavior and another part that feels the shame. If you can stand apart from both of them and explore the feelings underneath you may find relief. That is essentially what I'm doing at the moment. I know the behavior is rooted in trauma and laced with shame and fear. I'd like to be able to bring a bit of kindness to myself here rather than act out in some way that produces additional shame. We've had enough of that for one lifetime. Thanks for sharing your experience and welcome to MS.